Is Three a Magic Number?

Is it true that good (and bad) things happen in threes? The results of a previous post, My Chess Board, have finally come to fruition. As I mentioned in that entry, a coworker reaped a few of her own benefits.

Now, just as the news I was waiting for finally came through, another coworker is seeing a potential opportunity that came out of nowhere.

While I have learned to expect the unexpected (lesson from Big Brother), is it really true that things happen in threes? What do you think?

While you are pondering this concept, feel free to enjoy a little flashback from Schoolhouse Rock.

Is It Just Me?

Am I the only person who has coworkers who don't work?

I actually have coworkers who don't show up for work or are known to disappear for hours at a time. They leave the lights on in their office to create an appearance of being there. They complain about being so busy yet never do their jobs.

Aren't these the people who are supposed to be fired?

I wish I had the guts to put posters around the office like this......

MISSING! BIG REWARD!

DOB: 29 again
Missing: All the time
Sex: With everyone
Hair: Bad dye job
Eyes: Never open
Missing From: Work
Last Seen: Payday

The reward doesn't need to be money. I would settle for watching these slackers being escorted out of the building.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

If anyone ever takes up a collection for me, it should be for a gag.

While I can bullshit with the best of them, I also have a tendency to speak too much of the truth when tired, aggravated, or generally pissed off. Of course, this isn't a good thing most of the time.

Case in point was today. A coworker was talking about something that annoyed me. My reaction should have been "Who cares?"

That would have been too easy.

Instead, I shot off a sarcastic comment about a third party that, while evasive, was fairly cutting.

Not only do I feel like a complete ass, I also gave her something to think about with the comment.

So much for my cunning strategy.

My Chess board

I know this is totally evasive and somewhat narcissistic, but let me have my moment.

Work is a chess game requiring a lot of strategy.

I finally put mine into high gear and thankfully it is paying off.

Isn't it funny how things have a way of coming together when you least expect it yet in such a way as to benefit you the most?

It feels good to be the Queen. I am also sharing this honor with a coworker. She wasn't expecting it either yet it all came together.

Checkmate

Supervisory Incompetence

How do bad supervisors keep their jobs? When you mention a bad supervisor, people tend to think of those who scream, the tyrants.

What I am referring to is the majority of supervisors today. These are the supervisors who collect a bigger paycheck, have a title, and do little else. Here is a list of characteristics these so-called supervisors share:

• Appear sympathetic to concerns yet don't act on them.
  
• Love to throw their title around.
  
• Act like they are everyone's boss.
  
• Tend to shut the door to their office to have long personal phone conversations.
  
• Wait for opportunities to screw employees over in the name of "supervisory responsibility."
  
  Round them all up and fire them all! Of course this won't happen but let me dream.
  
  On a side note, people who talk on their cell phones while driving deserve to be shot. Have a nice day!

Tagged

I promise I will have a new post soon, but in the meantime, I was tagged by Middle Manager so here goes:

Three people who make me laugh:

Kenny
My coworker/partner in crime who reads this blog
Any woman with huge fake boobs

Three things I can do:

Bullshit just about anyone
Detect bullshit
Function on minimal sleep

Three things I can’t do:

Fly the space shuttle
Drive a car with a manual transmission
Kiss ass

Three things I’m doing right now:

Watching tv
Trying to kill a fly
Breathing

Three things I want to do before I die:

Travel all over the world
Skydive
Win the lottery

Three things I hate the most:

Liars
Mushrooms
Diet soda

Three things that scare me:

Spiders
Losing my family
Big Brother not being renewed one of these years


Three things I don’t understand:

Child abuse
Animal abuse
Why I am not rich

Three skills I’d like to learn:

How to play craps
How to forgive (just kidding)
How to drive a manual transmission

Three ways to describe my personality:

Determined
Humorous
Vengeful

Three things I think you should listen to:

Me
Myself
I

Things you should never listen to:

The majority of my coworkers
The majority of my family
Religious fanatics

Three favorite foods:

Pizza
Hamburgers
Cookies

Three beverages I drink regularly:

Soda
Juice
Water

Three shows I watched as a kid:

Different strokes
The Brady Bunch
Name that Tune

Loyalty?

Whatever happened to loyalty and real teamwork? People throw around "teamwork" but few actually demonstrate it.

We had a little scenario at work that illustrates my point exactly. A member of our group was attacked by an outside department. Big shocker? No but what pissed me off was that this complaint was given to another member of the group who basically sold her coworker out. Oh well, it it's not about her, why bother defending another coworker. I only have on word to describe my feelings on this. BITCH!

While it was not me that was stabbed in the back, I am impacted because this tells me a lot about trust. Sadly, this stupid bitch doesn't even realize there is something wrong with this. She will find out and it won't be pretty. Coworkers have a way of making like bearable or miserable.

I wish these situations didn't happen. At the same time, I do enjoy watching vengence at it's best. Batter up!

Nasty Information

This is completely off topic for me but I was so shocked I had to mention it. A friend and I were talking about the nastiest things we have found on the Internet. I am not talking about porn or beastiality here. These are things that are meant to be informative but are really more information that anyone needs to know.

Case in point, the Bristol Stool Scale. Who knew there are seven types of poop? Of course I couldn't mention this and not include the scale.

Nurses really don't earn enough money if they are expected to use the scale on their patients.

After this topic, anyone who reads my blog will be begging me to talk about my crazy workplace.

Big Brother No Stars

I am a Big Brother addict. This season is an all star cast so it has been enjoyable. I was watching it the other night and realized there are employees at my company who could be on this show. Of course it would need to be called "Big Brother No Stars" but it would still be amusing.

The whole idea of plotting against people you are stuck with makes it comparable to work. We don't get to choose our coworkers, right?

Here is my list of how work is like Big Brother:

• Alliances. Choosing a good one is the difference between winning at Big Brother and work. If you don't think there are alliances at work, you must be self-employed. This is the difficulty when starting a new job...figuring out who is aligned with who. While I wish they weren't necessary, I do have a few alliances. These are people I know I can depend on to brainstorm with. They know who they are and a couple read my blog.
  
• Crappy food. The food options at my company are horrible. Basically vending machines full of fat and calories. There is a direct correlation between my job and the size of my ass. On Big Brother, some of the houseguests have to eat slop. Slop is what we have for our biannual department meetings.
  
• Manipulative women. I used to believe women got a bad rap for being manipulative. Then I started working. Women are the worst people to work with. They are petty, underhanded, catty, and downright nasty at times. I should have chosen a male-dominated profession. Big Brother is full of manipulation but at least you can win $500,000 for your trouble. If I could make that kind of money for three months of work, I would jump at it.
  
• Surprises. The motto of Big Brother is "Expect the Unexpected." This should be the screensaver of every computer in Corporate America. Just when you think you know what is coming, something (or someone) knocks you on your ass.
• Sleeping arrangements. On Big Brother, the contestants sleep in the same room and often, the same bed. Offices are becoming rare these days so welcome to the maze called cubeland.
• Competition. Teamwork is a misnomer. While you can work with a team and be a productive member of it, everything IS a competition of sorts. If you don't realize work is a chessboard you are constantly moving on, you will find yourself knocked off before you can say "Checkmate."
  

In closing, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Also, if you drive in the fast lane and are passed by more than one car, I hope your transmission falls out.

Resurrected

Sorry for my absence. Contrary to popular belief (my email), I did not die.

Getting away (briefly) from my horrible yet amusing work stories, I saw an interesting thing today. Now it may not be interesting to anyone else, but it did impact my day.

I was getting a pedicure (exciting huh?). This was a family-run place that hasn't been open very long. I was sitting there when one of the women came over near me. A man who worked there turned around, looked at her, and winked.

I know it sounds strange, but there are ways of winking at someone that can be very different. This time, I could tell it was genuine and said a lot of things.

Watching people is a pastime of mine and I am always amazed at how much people communicate without speaking.

His wink was acknowledgement, reassurance, and love, all wrapped together. Do I know that? No, but it was obvious.

There a times in life you don't forget. For some reason, I won't forget seeing that.

Sometimes it's that simple.

See what happens when I try to relax?

Grow a Pair

Why is it that those who whine seem to prosper? At my company, there is an odd phenomena that gives a neverending audience to whiners.

These are the people who find things (or people) to complain about. They manage to convince someone that they are the wronged party.

Why is this tolerated from some but not others? It is usually the boy who cried wolf who gets away with it.

I have a radar for manipulative people. Yes indeed, I can spot them from a mile away.

My theory is that these people either have great blackmail material or have simply programmed management to expect this kind of behavior from them.

Is either acceptable? The result of this tolerance is pissed off employees.

If you haven't guessed, I am one of those pissed off employees.

I don't want to drone on like a professor in a philosophy class, but what has happened to accountability? Why do we spend our lives being told we need to grow into responsible adults only to find a job and be surrounded by pseudo-adults who act like toddlers?

I am tired of it. I am tired of stereotyping that creates an expectation of unequal behavior....some are accountable, some just show up. While this is going on, both are paid the same. While I support equal pay for equal work, the incessant whining of some means very little work is being done.

Some may say a pay for performance system would fix this problem, but like any problem, there has to be acknowledgement that a problem exists. This is missing in my company.

Let's just say an employee was motivated to speak out (bitch, rant and rave, etc.) about the tolerance of this behavior. The result would be that management has an open door policy so hearing the concerns of employees comes with the territory. Furthermore, the employee who couldn't take it anymore would be seen as a troublemaker. Why would anyone stick their neck out for that?

It is obvious this would be the reaction because management is aware that they pick and choose the idiotic rantings they entertain. How do I know this? Because it continues.

In meetings to discuss these "concerns" raised by whiners, management looks slightly embarrassed to be discussing these issues. While I don't care how much time management spends listening to his crap, I do care when I have to spend my time sitting in meetings as a result of it.

Generally, I am not a specific target of whiners. I believe it is because I make it pretty clear that I will deal with it. I bite when provoked....hard! Regardless, there are times I am impacted simply because I work there. Policies are changed, allegiances are formed, and a hostile work environment ensues.

My response? Grow a pair and tell the whiners to shut up and do their real jobs. Of course this response is only shared with coworkers or my inner self. I actually have shared my response to management but of course I can't name names. I speak in broad terms related to organizational issues and they nod their heads like it all makes sense. Of course it does. Why don't you try executing it?

I'd settle for executing these types of employees but that doesn't fall into my job duties.

The problem with balls is that management tends to use them at the wrong time. Maybe I should become a consultant and offer a management class entitled "How to Use Your Balls Effectively."

Brothel or Business?

There are a few women at my company who dress like whores. While the appropriateness of sexy clothing in the workplace could be debated until the end of time, this is something entirely different.

What I am referring to is women, in upper management, who must have afterhours jobs in a brothel. I would love to have an excuse to take pictures of these women to demonstrate my point but, as I have said before, I am not looking to get fired.

Picture this....

40 something women in mini-skirts who have difficulty walking because their skirts are so tight.

If they could bend over, a porno could be filmed immediately.

In some cases, add to this picture a bad boob job, 80's hair, and too much make-up.

Not pretty is it?

I need a vacation.

Translations

I am tired and can't think of a good topic so here is a list of the qualities companies are looking for, what applicants list as skills, and what all of it really means.

Apply in Person: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

Career-Minded: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Casual Work Atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Duties will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

I am Adaptable: I've changed jobs a lot.

I am On the Go: I'm never at my desk.

I Take Pride in my Work: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'm Extremely Adept at all Manner of Office Organization: I've used Microsoft Office.

I'm Extremely Professional: I carry a Day-Timer.

I'm Honest, Hard-Working and Dependable: I pilfer office supplies.

I'm Personable: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

Join our Fast-Paced Company: We have no time to train you.

Must be Deadline Oriented: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Must have an Eye for Detail: We have no quality control.

My Pertinent Work Experience Includes: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

No Phone Calls Please: We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Problem-Solving Skills a Must: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Requires Team Leadership Skills: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Rude

Lately I have been encountering extremely rude people. Did I miss the mass mailing for classes on this behavior? What happened to treating others as you want to be treated? Apparently that went out with VCRs.

The first example of this is holding doors open. I hold doors open for people. Lately, I am getting no response for my effort. Although I do not dress like a doorman, I am apparently confused for one.

Women are the worst at this. I would like to yank their ponytail out of their head while pulling them back out the door. I have said, "You're welcome" yet I have never gotten a response. I would like one of them to say something in response to me calling them on their rude behavior but so far I have been deprived of the confrontation.

One can only hope.

The next is my road rage. I have been diagnosed as suffering/perpetuating road rage by nearly every person who has ridden in my car. Like many other fine drivers, I have been driven to this illness by idiots on the road.

Perfect example was today. I was driving along when I realized there was a broken down bus in my lane. Would someone let me merge into next lane? Oh no. Would these idiots prefer to be in my lane? It's not like I am asking them to slam on their brakes to let me in.

I am not one of these people who drives in a lane I know has an accident, obstruction, or bus just to pass everyone. Shit happens people so why not be part of the solution versus being an asshole? All that gets you is my horn and a psychotic look when I catch up to you.

This behavior tends to scare my passengers so have a heart.

Psychotic Women

What is the problem with women? Being one, it may sound odd for me to criticize other women but they tend to get on my nerves.

There is one woman in particular in upper management at my company who runs around like a chicken with her head cut off whenever she gets stressed.

Silly me thought effective managers realize they need to trust employees they delegate projects to. Instead, this woman runs around questioning everything and expects to hear all the details of projects she wasn't involved in on a daily basis. Instead of solving problems, all this does is create chaos.

It also pisses people off.

When I see this woman act like this, two thoughts come to mind. First, any shred of respect I had for her disappears immediately. Second, I'd like to smack her....hard.

Horribly inappropriate (and potentially illegal) comment ahead....

If menopausal hags can't keep it together, they should retire.

The Bitch is Back

While that is the title of an Elton John song, I am referring to a woman in my office. She was working in another department for almost a year but she is back.

It was like a honeymoon when she was gone. The stress level in the office was less... I could actually feel it. So now she is back and so it the palpable stress in the office.

Here is her general MO:

• This is a woman who loves to boss everyone around. It is not unusual to have to tell others what she thinks they should be doing.
  
• She thinks she knows how to do the job of everyone in my department and isn't afraid to say so. She repeatedly questions how people do their job and chimes in frequently about things she doesn't know jack about.
  
• She doesn't supervise any of the employees mentioned above.
  
• She is prone to emotional outbursts of "Nobody appreciates me."
  
• She is known throughout the company as a nasty shrew so the chances of her leaving are slim to none.
  
• Personal hygiene is NOT on the top of her list.
  
• Upper management knows her MO yet does nothing about it. Somebody please tell me why.

I have found myself humming "The Bitch is Back" when she walks by. I will probably end up in sensitivity training. At least she can do my job while I am gone.

Bad Karma?

Driving home yesterday, I pulled a Fabio with my car.

Yes, I have committed the ultimate sin of murder.

I was driving down a two lane road. Two birds were sitting in the other lane. When the car in the other lane approached them, they flew into my lane and BAM!

I didn't see anything in my mirror but of course it sounded like one of them probably got propelled to the next city.

Thankfully I didn't have any bird remnants on my car. I still felt bad.

At least it over quickly. And the bird's friend had quite a story to tell.

I wonder if they have post-traumatic syndrome counseling for the bird community. Something to help survivors cope.

I am going to hell.

Confession Time

What makes you decide what blogs to read?

The blogs I read tend to have something in common. Not the topic, but that the authors are good writers. If you look at the blogs I have listed, most of them are about very different things. Most of them are interesting writers who make me laugh or tell a story in such a way that I want to go back to see how things are progressing.

I have noticed many people tend to have links to other blogs that share themes with them while others (like me) have links to many different things.

Along those lines, what makes someone add a link to their page? I add what I read. It makes it easier for me to get to the blogs and hopefully encourages others to read them since I think they are worth reading.

I have been wondering if some people add links to their blog out of pity or mutual respect (I linked you, so you link me). I don't have that expectation but would like to know if others do.

Ever see a blog with tons of comments and wonder why people think it's so great? There is one in particular that is very popular that is ok, but I don't see the cult-following allure others see.

Confess!

"We're Gonna Make Our Dreams Come True"

Would you be willing to give up the credibility and respect you may have to carry someone else?

This is a reality in many situations at work, but one pair in particular stands out.

This pair is two men who are as thick as thieves. Mutt and Jeff. Laurel and Hardy. Abbott and Costello. Barnum & Bailey. Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid.

The reality....if they were women they would resemble Laverne & Shirley. Totally inept and goofy.

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight! Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!"

In thinking about it, they actually physically resemble Lenny and Squiggy.

"On Your Mark, Get Set and Go Now"

Back to my story.

This pair has many things in common. Both are womanizers. Both are professional ass kissers. Both are all talk, no action. They are a joke in the company.

One has risen through the ranks much quicker than the other but the top guy can always be counted on to carry the lower up with him. WHY? Why would top guy destroy his reputation to carry the little guy? Especially one not worthy of such an effort.

Why do I watch Nick at Nite?

Pickles

There is a guy at my company who a few of us refer to as "Pickles." He is the stereotypical lazy, ineffective employee. Pickles was given a job many years ago because he had connections to a manager. Nepotism.

He is overpaid and completely incapable of doing the job he is paid to do. Sadly, most of the company knows of him and his lack of abilities.

I was on a committee with him for a couple of years so I got to see his general ineffectiveness up close. Among of his most annoying habits is his love for Dale Carnegie. He was always quoting Dale Carnegie.

Need I say more?

If you are not familiar with Dale Carnegie, his most famous book was "How to Win Friends and Influence People." Years ago, it was common for companies to send their employees to the Dale Carnegie Course.

No matter what we were discussing during the course of the committee, Pickles found a way to throw in Dale Carnegie. "Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are."

Yeah, we get it, old Dale turns you on.

Pickles other annoying habit was continually changing his job title. The project we were working on was quite complex, so there were times we had people from outside the company attend our meetings. It never failed, Pickles changed his title and what his role was at the company. It became a running joke. What will Pickles be today?

What has become of Pickles? Nothing. He is still there, still ineffective, still overpaid. I think he realizes how incapable he is but does not realize everyone else knows, too.

Seashells

My company has biannual meetings to celebrate our "successes" in the first and last part of years. Most of you are probably thinking these are great opportunities to network and relax a bit huh? Actually, these meetings are the closest thing to torture that exist.

These meetings are not optional. My calendar MUST be clear for them. Additionally, vacation is strongly discouraged for these days. Sick? Unless I am dying, I better be there. Death in the family? Produce a corpse. Get the picture?

The meetings are held in a local hotel in a banquet room. I enter the room and hope it is open seating. Odd isn't it? Like a wedding, there are times these meetings have had assigned seating. A vain attempt to integrate employees in our department when it is widely known that many employees loathe each other. Ten years of hatred is going to be fixed by a teambuilding exercise? When hell freezes over.

We start with a catered lunch but no liquor of any kind. While I secretly wish for booze, it would remove the last shred of restraint I have so it is probably a good thing.

There is typically a theme to these meetings so it is wise to notice the theme and compliment whoever was responsible for it. This goes something like this: "Great surfboards, I love the beach theme."

What I am really thinking is, "Where is the sand for this beach because I would like to bury my head in it until this torture is over."

I find my seat and proceed to twirl the drink umbrella stuck in the cup of jelly beans sitting on the sun-shaped placemat at my seat. The middle of the table has shells for all of the people at my table. This can only mean the shells mean something. Yes indeed, these meetings resemble craft hour at a nursing home. Picture seventy-five professionals stuck in a room waiting for the HR Manager to tell us how these shells represent us and the work we do.

It doesn't take long.

He takes his place at the podium and asks, "By now, I am sure all of you have noticed the shells."

Most of my coworkers force a smile and chuckle in a way that implies enthusiasm.

"Pick a shell that represents you and wait. Those shells will play an integral part in our meeting today."

I was afraid this would happen. A shell that represents me? Is he suggesting a shell that represents the shape of my body? Mood? How can a shell represent me?

Is there a shell large enough for me to crawl inside? Of course not. I decide there is no point in trying to understand his logic and pick the shell with a sharp point on it. My choice is twofold. It represents my mood and could be used to gouge my eyes out if the meeting becomes unbearable.

He talks about goals, successes, and how the CEO is happy with our progress. We make things happen, this company would flounder without HR activities, etc.

Get to the damned shells.

As he continues to talk, all I can do is stare at my shell and try to imagine what is coming.

I got a masters degree for this?

The meeting did take me back to my childhood. No, I didn't frequent beaches looking for seashells. I was thinking about that episode of the Brady Bunch when Cindy has the lisp. "Seashells, seashells, by the seashore."

He gets through the usual banter and finally mentions the shells again.

"We are going to go around the room and have each of you tell us why you picked your shell. We will learn about each other and have a lot of fun in the process. "

Are you out of your freaking mind? How is this happening? Is this a case of bad karma? What did I do to deserve this?

I catch the eye of a couple of my coworkers who have the same look of horror on their faces that I do. At the same time, there is also an unspoken understanding that we have to do this.

So we sit and wait. Coming up with an explanation for our shell choice is not difficult. As I have said before, HR professionals are in their element when a little bs is needed.

Now, if this situation wasn't bad enough, it gets worse. Some of my coworkers actually believe this is great fun. What do they do? Take this seriously and ramble on for a few minutes about their great epiphany with their shell.

We have 75 people to get through. Can I blow into my shell to amuse myself?

These meetings are scheduled for two hours but in reality they end when we are done. If we are busy doing these humiliating teambuilding exercises, we don't stop. This means watching the clock is pointless.

Batter up! It's my turn. I stand up, cradling my dagger-like shell. I am tempted to say, "My name is Ms. Pink Slip and I'm an addict" but I put on my happy face.

I picked my shell because it's durable. Like this shell, I am protective. Like this shell, there is a lot on the inside you cannot see.

I'm sound like such an idiot but I like to keep them guessing. Besides, I wasn't going to drone on about beautiful colors and ridges signifying the stages of my life like others did. Shells can be full of sand. Like so many of them are full of shit. Sand is gritty and annoying, like so many of them.

It may not seem that bad to ensure this crap twice a year but it's not that simple. You see, whatever trinket, like the shell, I get at a meeting must be strategically placed in my office. To not display these items would be comparable to not standing during the National Anthem. Every time one of these meeting items catches my eye, I am forced to relive the moment. Some of my coworkers get a good laugh from this (including those who read my blog).

I will finally admit it. I laugh, too.

Inside Joke

Know-It-All

"The trouble with being in a rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."

My company is not unique in having numerous know-it-alls. These are the people who deserve a swift kick to the ass on a daily basis. I have been stuck with one from another department who has annoyed me to no end. She is loud, obnoxious, abrasive, and generally unpleasant. Topping off her nasty personality is her belief that she knows HR's job better than the HR professionals responsible for HR activities.

Some may call her a know-it-all, I settled for horrific bitch and called it a day.

Mutual Admiration Society

There's an odd type of behavior by some employees at my company that intrigues me. I call it the "Mutual Admiration Society." Basically, this is two or more employees who continually kiss each others' ass. This is not to be confused with typical ass kissing many employees do to the boss. It is also not the behavior of employees who are flirting. No, this is the most twisted display of mutual ego stroking I have ever seen. It is rampant so somehow I think I slept through the section on this in training.

Here is how it goes:

Moron A: How did that problem turn out?

Moron B: Thank you for asking. If it wasn't for you, I couldn't have handled it.

Moron A: Sure you could. I am glad I was here for you.

Moron B: You're always here for me.

Moron A: If only everyone knew the struggles we endure.

Moron B: At least we have each other.

See the pattern here? Not only is the passive-aggressive banter totally fake, it actually turns into a "us against the world" mentality. This happens on a daily basis with several groups of employees. In fact, my office is full of these people. People who don't know how to have relationships with coworkers any other way.

I have actually heard coworkers in my office say, "I love you" to each other. This is a professional HR environment? While I don't care if anyone has a close relationship, there is a line at work. Additionally, all of this bantering is bullshit. I cannot think of one person who is a part of a mutual admiration society who wouldn't stab the other in the back if it suited them.

This is what happens when you work in a predominately female field.

?

I really need someone to tell me why people who bitch and complain get what they want. There are two different groups of people who do this. The first group bitches and complains privately to friends or through a blog, but still does their job (hint, hint). The other spends the majority of their time trying to wrap as many people as possible into their imaginary victimization. See what I mean?

It never fails, those who whine get their way. This happens with employees at various levels in the company. This leads me to believe it has nothing to do with "I'll scratch your back.." Nope, I have reached the conclusion that it is simply easier to pay these drama queens off versus telling them to shut the hell up.

If it was all about getting my way, I could accomplish the same outcome with the right plan. The problem for me is twofold. First, I am not willing to whine to get my way. I am one of those idiots who actually believes hard work pays off. I have learned that the "Payoff" is really more work and higher expectations.

Anywho, the other reason I can't do this is because, even though management caves and gives in to these bitches from hell, those bitching are left with no credibility. I am not willing to give that up to get my way. Of course I could write a book and title it, "How I Bitched My Way to Success." I have many case studies right in my office.

What I really should be doing is blaming my parents for stressing morality and values. What the hell were they thinking? They should have taught me, "Kill or Be Killed."

Update

The bitchy, foot stomping coworker I mentioned yesterday still doesn't get it. Apparently she doesn't understand the concept of following the direction of her supervisor. When a supervisor recommends an employee participate in a task, would any reasonable person take that to be a choice? Well folks, apparently this idiot didn't take the hint. She is still trying to pawn it off on me. For clarification, I am NOT her supervisor. If that was the situation, I wouldn't be hinting.

While I can relate to the concept of just wanting a paycheck versus a job, I am not going to do tasks a coworker doesn't like. Bite the bullet (or take one for the team) or get the hell out.

The icing on the cake? She is the least experienced of our team. It pisses me off that she sits back and tries to stay out of potentially challenging situations. Most employees in this situation work twice as hard to prove themselves. Apparently mediocrity is acceptable to some people.

Since our team is paid to be perceptive and carry around a bullshit detector, doesn't she realize we are aware she is trying to play us? I love encountering extremely manipulative people and watching them try to work me. While I don't typically make egotistical statements, I haven't met my match yet. Besides,I use my bullshit skills for good, not evil.

Anyway, like a slow moving car on the highway, she will get pushed out of the way.....soon!

Odd Day

I had a very odd day. Here's a summary :

• Went to work only to have a coworker stomp her foot at me. My first thought was to laugh and of course I did. When did work become a preschool? If those are the new rules, I wish someone had told me. Like a three-year old, I would have responded with a good smack, pulled her hair out, and maybe pinched her to really make my point.
  
  
• When did it become acceptable to bitch and moan about the parts of your job you don't like doing AND pretty much refuse to do them? Anyone who reads my blog would understand merely bitching and moaning might lead to a bonding experience with me but the idiot in question made a crucial mistake. She tried to pawn off the work she didn't want to do on me. Carrying on like that only gets you one thing from me .....determination to make you suffer. I'll leave the details out but I accomplished my mission. Moral of this story is not to fuck with people smarter than you.
  
  
• Driving home, I witnessed a pathetic sight. On the side of the road, I see a young teenage girl sitting on her bike on the sidewalk. Standing next to her is a cop with his motorcycle parked nearby who is obviously giving her a stern talking to. Sure, she was probably doing something stupid but I found it amusing that a car passed me probably going 65 mph in a 45 zone while all this was going on. On a side note, why is that I cannot help humming the theme to CHIPS when I see a cop on a motorcycle? I have also been known to sing the Love Boat theme while on cruises but I digress.
  
  
• The final straw was some idiot at a four-way stop who blew right through the sign. While I was tempted to drive up behind him and ram his ass, I didn't. Of course the police are entirely too busy lecturing helpless teens to be bothered with this.

Cruel & Unusual Punishment

Is it possible to endure this at work? Many times, while I sit in meetings, I think about prisoners sitting in their cells with no responsibility. They have a TV and a cushy cot while I am sitting in a hard chair listening to some idiot rant and rave about meaningless things. During such times, I generally focus on a spot on the wall or someone's face and find my happy place. It's all I can do not to scream at the top of my lungs or lay my weary head down on the table and take a nap.

To keep this charade going, it is important to follow these steps:

1. Choose a seat out of the limelight, preferably away from the person leading the meeting.
   
   
2. Appear genuinely interested in the meeting. You can accomplish this by nodding once in a while. Bonus points for actually making a comment or asking a question.
   
   
3. Appear to take notes. If you really want to look good, nod your head and smile while taking those notes. No one has to know you are creating a shopping or hit list.
   
   
4. Perfect the art of watching the time. Again, your seat choice can be crucial here. I tend to pick a seat with a view of a clock. Looking at your watch can be difficult to go unnoticed.
   
   
5. Try to avoid sitting across from friends. Many times I have been caught rolling my eyes or giving a look to a friend that says, "Can you believe that idiot?"
   
   
6. Be careful when making suggestions. Good suggestions have a nasty way of becoming projects......for you!
   
   
7. If you can't take it anymore, try to work a comment like this in....."That's a great idea, since time is getting short (actually my patience), maybe we can discuss that at the next meeting."
   
   
8. If your attempt to end a meeting fails, don't be ashamed to leave the room for a few minutes. Sure, people might think you have bladder issues, but at this point, do you care? If someone verbalizes such a thought, feel free to sue the company for discrimination based on a health condition.

Still Kicking

While I am aging, apparently it's too soon to put my foot in the grave. I didn't get a lot of answers but I also didn't get a bad speech regarding my health either. We'll see. Mysterious, huh? I am a complicated little woman.

On the upside....hmm, I know I can find one....guess not. Here is a general recap of my day:

• Went to work
• Got pissed off
• Too many people wanted something NOW
• I didn't care
• I watched my coworkers suffer the same cycle
• So it's not me
• Its the job
• I left with relief and a renewed sense that tomorrow will be a better day

Do I need to be medicated or should I jump straight to the shock therapy?

I see TomKat's baby girl was born. I feel better already.

Top Ten Employee Rules

Since it is ridiculously depressing, I can't have my last entry be at the top of the page so here is another list:

Top Ten Employee Rules

1) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
2) If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
3) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
4) For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5) Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
6) Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
7) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
8) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
9) Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
10) If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

Random Thoughts

I can't pick one topic to write about so here are my random thoughts.

• Easter was boring. I think Easter should not fall on Sundays since they are really pre-Mondays.
  
• Despite my previous complaining about the "Next Blog" button being useless, I recently found a couple worth reading that way.
  
• I need a nap, a million dollars, and a vacation ..... in that order.
  
• I am preoccupied with a health problem. I will find out tomorrow if I am falling apart due to age or if death becomes me.
  
• Elton John's "Crocodile Rock," while annoying, seems to jolt me out of bad moods.

It's probably obvious by now, but I am in a funk. No motivation whatsoever. How does this happen?

This isn't really motivating anyone to keep reading is it?

Cow Tipping

Surely anyone with a job today has heard of sacred cows. These are the untouchable people, things, or processes that should have been dealt with a long time ago. If the cow is a person, typically the constant milking turns them into spoiled brats who demand the very best.

Here is the contradiction. Everyone talks about sacred cows and how we shouldn't have them. They are discussed with scorn and resentment. At the same time, the end result is never the slaughter of the damn cow. Oh no, the cow continues to be exalted. It's a classic love/hate relationship.

Of course I do have personal experience with this. What continues to amaze me (actually piss me off) is how sacred cows tend to be the least worthy of being exalted. These people (and things) are truly the waste of most organizations.

So, if you see a sacred cow, do me a favor and tip it over. The milk went bad a long time ago.

Immigrant Rights Rallies

I wasn't going to bother blogging about the events yesterday, but I rarely hold anything back so here goes. Before anyone sends me any hatemail, this is America so I can say whatever I want. Additionally, not supporting this cause does not equate to me being racist. Those are two separate issues so spare the comments or nasty e-mails.

In a nutshell....it's all bullshit. If you are in this country illegally, you have NO RIGHTS. End of story.

Those in this country illegally should count themselves lucky that, for the most part, the police leave them alone and their lives must be improved for them to remain here. What's the problem?

I could take it a step further and say the rallies would have been a great opportunity for an INS sweep but that would be obnoxious wouldn't it?

Next Blog

Probably everyone has hit the button in the top right corner, right? Is is just me or is that a futile effort? What I usually find is blogs selling things, blogs in languages I cannot read, or very strange topics that make me shudder at the idea that such people exist. Still, I hit the button from time to time, hoping to find a great blog.

Has anyone actually found one they continued to read? I sure as hell hope so.

Workers Creed

Here is another list a reader sent me. Can you tell it's Monday?

Workers Creed

• As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my inner sociopath.
  
• I have the power to channel my imagination into ever soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
  
• I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
  
• I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
  
• In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
  
• Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
  
• My intuition makes up for my lack of good judgment.
  
• I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
  
• Joan of Arc heard voices too.
  
• I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
  
• I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
  
• As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
  
• When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
  
• The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
  
• As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
  
• All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
  
• I am at one with my duality.
  
• Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
  
• I will strive to live each day as if it were my 29th birthday.
  
• Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
  
• I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
  
• Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
  
• False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
  
• A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
  
• I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
  
• Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
  
• Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
  
• The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
  
• I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
  
• Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
  
• To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
  
• I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Competition

Is competition unavoidable? I do not consider myself to be competitive at all and this seems to put me in the minority. I was discussing this with a friend and she was of the opinion that everyone is competitive. According to her, you cannot survive in this country without being competitive on some level. While I was tempted to laugh, she got me thinking.

As I said, I am not competitive with others yet I do have high expectations of myself. Shocked aren't you? This friend believes I am competitive. Huh? My idea of competition is a winner and a loser, settling for nothing less than top dog, or reveling in crushing someone else. Am I wrong?

I was the kid who was happy to participate. Winning didn't matter to me. As an adult, I am not one of those people who gets obsessed with winning a board game at a party. In fact, those who are happy playing the rule-enforcer and who MUST win piss me off. For the love of God, it's a game.

I have achievements because I worked hard, not because I beat someone else. There are times that I would like to beat others but not in a competitive sense. It would be more along the lines of smacking a few people in the head who annoy me. Most of those who come to mind are coworkers.

Goading a Goat

Accountability, or the lack of, has been on my mind lately. What is so difficult about taking responsibility for mistakes? Why do people find it necessary to look for the nearest scapegoat when faced with such a situation?

At my company, this type of behavior is spreading like herpes on a prostitute. While I have not been immune to attempts at tagging me the scapegoat, I have a tendency to come out fighting when these situations occur. Those who have tried this tactic on me have learned that goading me doesn't go over well.

I have an exceptional memory and do not forget those who have attempted to screw me over. In fact, this is an area I excel in when it comes to patience. I have patiently waited for opportunities for revenge on several occasions. As a bonus, it doesn't appear to anyone (except the idiot receiving my revenge) that I am being malicious. It's not too difficult to wait for a good opportunity when these type of people continually pull this kind of shit. I just sit back and laugh. Of course I share these situations with select people who also revel in sweet revenge. While that may sound a little psychotic, these are people who deserved my sweet revenge. Like a goat, I have used my horns to defend myself.

What bothers me is the people who don't fight due to their level in the company or because they don't have an aggressive bone in their body. While I am not the mother or bodyguard of these scapegoats, it pisses me off when it keeps happening. Sure, these people should defend themselves but where is the accountability for this behavior when management knows they are taking a fall they do not deserve?

Screw it. I played the lottery tonight. If I won, I will adopt a few goats from the zoo and train them to attack.

Clarence and Felix

This story says it all about the difference between a manager and an employee. If you get through this and say, "I don't get it, " you are probably a manager. Before you jump out a window (or get pushed), just remember you can change your spots. That's a leopard but you get the point.

The world of work, from a frog's perspective...

Once upon a time, there lived a man named Clarence who had a pet frog named Felix. Clarence lived a modestly comfortable existence on what he earned working at Walmart; but he always dreamed of being rich.

"Felix!" he exclaimed one day, "We're going to be rich! I'm going to teach you how to fly!" Felix, of course, was terrified at the prospect. "I can't fly, you idiot! I'm a frog, not a canary!" Clarence, disappointed at the initial reaction, told Felix, "That negative attitude of yours could be a real problem. I'm sending you to class."

So Felix went to a three day class and learned about problem solving, time management and effective communication.... but nothing about flying.

On the first day of "flying lessons", Clarence could barely control his excitement (and Felix could barely control his bladder). Clarence explained that their apartment had 15 floors and each day Felix would jump out of a window starting with the first floor eventually getting to the top floor. After each jump, Felix would analyze how well he flew, isolate on the most effective flying techniques and implement the improved process for the next flight. By the time they reached the top floor, Felix would surely be able to fly.

Felix pleaded for his life, but it fell on deaf ears. "He just doesn't understand how important this is..." thought Clarence, "but I won't let naysayers get in my way." So, with that, Clarence opened the window and threw Felix out (who landed with a thud).

Next day (poised for his second flying lesson) Felix again begged not to be thrown out of the window. With that, Clarence opened his pocket guide to "Managing More Effectively" and showed Felix the part about how one must always expect resistance when implementing new programs. And with that, he threw Felix out the window. (THUD!)

On the third day (at the third floor) Felix tried a different ploy. Stalling, he asked for a delay in the "project" until better weather would make flying conditions more favorable. But Clarence was ready for him. He produced a timeline pointed to the third milestone and asked, "You don't want to slip the schedule do you?" From his training, Felix knew that not jumping today would mean that he would have to jump TWICE tomorrow. So he just said, "OK. Let's go." And out the window he went.

Now understand that Felix really was trying his best. On the fifth day he flapped his feet madly in a vain attempt to fly. On the sixth day he tied a small red cape around his neck and tried to think "Superman" thoughts. Try as he might, though, Felix couldn't fly.

By the seventh day, Felix (accepting his fate) no longer begged for mercy. He simply looked at Clarence and said, "You know you're killing me, don't you?" Clarence pointed out that Felix's performance so far had been less than exemplary, failing to meet any of the milestone goals he had set for him. With that, Felix said quietly, "Shut up and open the window". He leaped out, taking careful aim on the large jagged rock by the corner of the building. And Felix went to that great lily pad in the sky.

Clarence was extremely upset, as his project had failed to meet a single goal that he set out to accomplish. Felix had not only failed to fly, he didn't even learn how to steer his flight as he fell like a sack of cement. Nor did he improve his productivity when Clarence had told him to "Fall smarter, not harder."

The only thing left for Clarence to do was to analyze the process and try to determine where it had gone wrong. After much thought, Clarence smiled and said, "Next time...... I'm getting a smarter frog!"

Changes

Taking many of my entries into consideration, it may come as a complete shock that I am not looking to get fired.

With that in mind, I decided to change the title of my blog. My preference would have been to also change the URL, but I don't want to lose any of my readers so I will keep that. I don't think there is anything overly specific in my blog, however it's also smart to think ahead, right?

Lie to me

I have many pet peeves and I am not afraid to bitch about them. The latest is people who seemingly ask for advice and then ignore it or get angry. If the preference is that I simply smile and lie to your face, let me know these expectations for the start. Why anyone would expect me to lie to them is beyond me. I am not known for having a poker face so I don't even need to speak to make my feelings known.

Anyway, back to my rant. There needs to be a new word created to describe the act of asking for a lie covered in ego stroking yet presented as the truth. Oh yes, the word already exists...bullshit? How insecure can people be to actually expect someone to lie to them when they asked for an opinion?

The insult to this injury is how many people react to my honesty. While I typically demonstrate an appropriate level of tact, I do give my honest opinion. Often times, this is met with dirty looks, looks between people, uncomfortable silences, and dramatic gasps of "How could you say that?"

While many people may respond to such situations with an apology, I don't. In fact, it is not unusual for me to call others on their lack of honesty. I say what others think. Now, before anyone gets the idea that I am one of those overbearing people to avoid like a plague, keep in mind.......people are still asking my opinion so I must be doing something right.

Sexual Harassment

Everyone who has a job has either conducted or attended sexual harassment training but like you, I get tired of the usual type of training.

Check out this video for an interesting perspective on the subject.

Here's another video. Equally as funny as the first yet is more instructional in nature.

Never forgetting about my South Park fans, here is one for you.

I didn't win the lottery......AGAIN so maybe this is the answer to my eternal search for an early retirement. Is it wrong to hope I might be accosted by a coworker like the people in the videos? If you saw most of my coworkers, you would tell me it isn't worth it.

On a side note, I tried to snag the videos and put them directly into my blog, but I kept getting errors that my html tags were not closed. I don't know what the hell was wrong but if anyone knows, please enlighten me.

Classic or Old?

I have the feeling I am considered old. Gone are the days when I knew who the band was when a new song came on the radio. I'd even go so far as to say most of it is junk. Not like the music I like.

When I have to explain to someone that "Classic Rock" isn't 90s music, I feel old. Doesn't anyone listen to the Beatles, Van Morrison, the Eagles, Queen, Pink Floyd, or early Yes anymore? Yes, I believe they are called old people. I admit it, I like to listen to ELO, Rush, and Led Zeppelin. Does that mean I am a fossil? Apparently so.

The other day, I was talking about Jimmy Buffett. A friend asked me if he was the stock investment guru.

Me: Warren Buffett? Wrong Buffett. Come on, you know the song Margaritaville?

Miss Youngpants: I think my mom likes him.

At this point, I was tempted to do one of two things. Start singing a little Margaritaville or call her a bitch. I did both......in my head.

Hell Pays Off

A search for books on dealing with coworkers from hell yielded some interesting results. Here's a list:

• Coping with Difficult People: The Proven-Effective Battle Plan That Has Helped Millions Deal with the Troublemakers in Their Lives at Home and at Work
  
• Dealing with People You Can't Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst
  
• A Survival Guide for Working With Humans: Dealing With Whiners, Back-Stabbers, Know-It-Alls, and Other Difficult People
  
• Jerks at Work: How to Deal With People Problems and Problem People
  
• 201 Ways to Deal With Difficult People (Quick-Tip Survival Guides)
  
• Since Strangling Isn't An Option
  
• Working With You is Killing Me : Freeing Yourself from Emotional Traps at Work
  
• Tripping the Prom Queen : The Truth About Women and Rivalry
  
• I Can't Believe She Did That! : Why Women Betray Other Women at Work
  
• The Girl's Guide to Being a Boss (Without Being a Bitch) : Valuable Lessons, Smart Suggestions, and True Stories for Succeeding as the Chick-in-Charge

Apparently there is a market for these types of books. Since the lottery hasn't paid off, maybe I will start working on a book. I will have to split the profits from this book three ways. Two of my blog readers (the South Park fans) are also coworkers who share my bitter ways. For me to succeed (by selling books or winning the lottery) and leave them there would result in a Jimmy Hoffa ending for me. There are two of them and I have a feeling they could be very diabolical together.

Freedom

I haven't said this very often, but today was a great day. I had the day off work so it was all about me. I got eleven hours of sleep so that alone impacted my mood. As I was driving to Target this afternoon, I was listening to Michael Buble on the radio singing "Feeling Good."

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And
I'm feeling good

As you can see, normal amounts of sleep result in me feeling overly optimistic and somewhat delusional.

So there I was...slowly pushing a cart through Target without a care in the world. Sadly, it made my day.

Aside from a great shopping experience, it was nice to NOT hear the following from anyone I encountered today:

Do you have a minute? This always means a minimum of twenty minutes of my time is going to be wasted. This cycle will be repeated several times per day.

I have a question. How shocking. One question? Could this be my lucky day? You actually have fifty questions and lack the ability to answer any of them alone.

I have a problem. You sure do, but I have a feeling you aren't referring to your personal issues.

Do you think...? I do but apparently you don't.

I like things to be black and white. While this place resembles a zoo and many of my coworkers act like animals, I don't see any zebras. How did I get the job of pulling off Mission Impossible...teaching someone to use judgment?

And, my personal favorite:

Why? Because I said so. To quote Cartman, "Respect my authority!" It's not that I have any authority, but stupid questions piss me off.

With that in mind, none of that exists right now. Well, until Monday......

Huh?

I got an early start at work this morning. I listened to several employees attempt to justify their inappropriate behavior and general incompetence all morning. Just when I was contemplating a jump from a high building, I was told that I am indeed the wind beneath someone's wings.

One of my coworkers told me another coworker considers me to be her mentor. How did that happen? This also leads me to ask...exactly what example am I setting? Is this what celebrities complain about when they are considered a role model? If so, where is the big paycheck for my trouble?

According to the dictionary, a mentor is "A wise and trusted counselor or teacher." Now I feel the need to sit up straight and present a polished image at all times. Not likely.

Howdy-ho!

This post is for a couple of friends from "real life" who are stopping by for the first time. What they have in common is a love for South Park, therefore a picture seemed appropriate. It seems nerve racking to have people who really know me reading this but somehow it got worked into a conversation. I might need to have tape placed over my mouth in the future.

Monday Humor

A reader of my blog sent this to me. I have seen it before, but it is worth repeating.

Things you wish you could say at work:

1. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. I'm sorry, you must be mistaking me for someone who cares.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.

25. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

26. Do I look like a people person?

27. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

28. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

29. You!...Off my planet!

30. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

31. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

32. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

33. Allow me to introduce my selves.

34. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

35. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

36. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

37. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

38. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

39. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

40. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

41. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

42. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

43. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

44. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

45. I thought I wanted a career; turns out, I just wanted the paycheck.

Seriously

In keeping with the match theme of my previous entry, this picture is a perfect example of my attitude lately.

The site I got this from appeals to my sarcastic personality. I wish I could actually hang these in my office.

I do have a couple of the "real" ones about teamwork and hard work. There have been so many days that I look at them and imagine sticking them in various orifices of those who piss me off.

If you have a few minutes, check out the videos. They are hilarious "how-to" videos about how to deal with employees.

So, what's the whole point of my ranting? Why does everything have to be so serious all the time? This is particularly difficult in HR. HR is supposed to be serious. Next to librarians, we project the most boring, anally retentive personalities known to man. In my vain attempt to disprove this myth, I am going to open my own consulting firm and plaster the walls with these demotivators. My letterhead and business cards will feature them, too.

Of course this will be after I win the lottery and set fire to my office.

Got a Match?

For the past couple of weeks, I have been giving presentations regarding our leave policy. Today, I had a group of employees that resembled an angry mob. Is the concept that I am merely the messenger foreign to people? I felt like I had a "kick me" sign on my ass. Here is a general summary.

I arrive in their conference room, do the social niceties, and wait to begin. Moving through the agenda, it is now my turn. I review the changes, how it impacts them, etc. There is always one in a group but the asshole today is a perfect example of why I haven't exercised my right to obtain a concealed weapons permit.

"I don't think this is appropriate. They should just rename this place "Big Brother." Am I allowed to make any decisions for myself."

I took a deep breath and asked," What part of the policy do you have a problem with?"

The whole thing. What gives you the right?

Me? Are you referring to the person sitting here who has a million better things to do that argue with you? The person who knows your disciplinary record? Who has sat in a room and witnessed you begging your manager to keep your job after screwing up numerous times? That would be me. If I had the power to make these policies, your ass would have been gone a long time.

So, I replied, "To be accurate, this is not MY policy." This is a company policy and as an employee, you are required to comply with it. If you have an actual question I can address, by all means, please ask, otherwise we should probably move on.

So he calms down, says he knows it's not my "fault" and shuts up. While I realize there are lions that need to roar from time to time, they really need to find someone else to bitch to. While I always maintain professionalism, I won't be the sacrificial lamb for this kind of crap.

I forgot to play the lottery so I am stuck with this job until Saturday. I am planning to win the lottery and set my office on fire Monday morning.

Giving back

I am not talking about giving back as in charity. What I am referring to is giving everything back I thought I wanted. Since I am a list kind of gal, here is tonight's list of what I wish to donate to the God of responsibility:

Bills

As a kid, I wanted mail. It seemed like such an honor to get mail. The reality: Most of it is junk and, unless you consider bills or solicitations for money to be an honor, is destined to be one more thing I have to do.

Job

As a kid, this was a huge sign of being an adult. The payoff for all those years in college. The reality: I am tired, uninspired, and generally sick of being perpetually behind. Yeah, take this job and shove it.

House

This is a twisted thought. Like most people, I dreamed of owning a house and making it a home. How can I be excited about the largest debt I will ever incur? It's not like someone gave me an extreme home makeover (with a maid) and handed me the title to paradise.

In retrospect, all the things about being a kid were great. I have decided I want to live at home with my parents. I want to sit on the floor and watch the Brady Bunch while eating freshly baked cookies my mom made.

Having to get up to turn the dial on the console TV and adjust the rabbit ears on the antenna would be a small price to pay for the simplicity of childhood.

Random Ramblings

Here is a recap of the latest thoughts churning through my mind:

• I read a few blogs from the start over the weekend.
• While at a store on Friday night, the guy standing behind me in line said, "You had me at hello." My response, "You lost me at goodbye." Why do some men think it is cute to quote chick flicks? I happen to be one of those women who thinks most chick flicks are pathetic displays of ridiculously dependent women so clearly that is the wrong way to attempt to connect with me.
• Why do people think it is acceptable to let their children wipe snot on their sleeves?
• I wish St. Elsewhere was still on TV.
• Patrick Dempsey needs a nosejob to have any chance of being attractive.
• Why can't I get the links title on my blog to match the font of the other titles?
• TIVO is the best thing ever made.
• How many people actually read my blog?

Call me Sybil

I am a walking contradiction. Wait, don't run off yet. Allow me to explain. While I have a sense of humor, I also have a serious side that doesn't know when to quit. I was surfing around today and found this list. Would anyone actually take this seriously? While reading it, I found myself responding to it. Yep, MPD is back isn't it? Instead of talking to a webpage that won't respond, I figured I would put them here.

12 Ways to Lighten Up

Whoever wrote this must live on a small island in the South Pacific and smoke some great stuff frequently.

Try these techniques until you find one that lightens you up.

1. Deliberately turn a molehill into a mountain. Make a big deal out of a little problem. "I would feel much better if these papers were stacked exactly like this! Not like that! Like this! Not this! This!"

The first paragraph of this article said these tips would result in a long life. Who would be around to enjoy it with if I follow tip #1? If I took this advice and applied it to work, security would be called within an hour and I would be sitting in a padded room by now. The reality of this is that I am usually the one telling others to calm down. Freaking out is not my problem. Thinking too much is what gets me into trouble.

2. Ask yourself, "Is getting serious about this situation really going to improve it?"

So, the answer that has been staring me in the face all this time is to talk to myself in a condescending voice?

3. Focusing on the positives. Repeat these questions until you feel lighter, "What is right about this picture?" "What else is right?" "What else?"

What if the answer Sybil gives me to these questions is "Not a fucking thing?"

4. Consider a complete, major change. Why not go back to school? Why not move to Idaho? Why not retire for a few years or start a new career?

Let me answer those one at a time:

A. School? At this point, my next option would be a doctorate and nobody needs another nut to call Dr.
B. Idaho? While I am sure Idaho has more than the potatoes I buy, I can't see myself remaining sane when surrounded my farm animals.
C. Retire? Unless this article includes a check for the few years I won't be working, that is a useless suggestion. A new career is also off the table. Why the hell would I want to start over when I have paid my dues in this one? Besides, I love my job (you knew that right?)

5. Ask yourself, "When I am on my deathbed, will I be glad I was so serious about _______?"

That's the oldest line in the book. When I am on my deathbed there better be drugs being injected to avoid me thinking about such ridiculous questions. Besides, at that point, my sixth husband, a young twentysomething stud, will be stroking my face while I wither away.

6. A challenging game is much better than no game at all. So consider losing all aspects of the problem. Examples: You feel serious about family problems. You ask yourself, "Well, what if I had no family at all?" You feel serious about your investments. You ask yourself, "What if I had no money to invest?"

That's right, during times that I actually NEED to think, I should be trying to lose all sense of focus. Brilliant!

7. The size of your problem may match the size of your game. So get a bigger game. For example, if you get uptight about paper clips being in the wrong drawer, your game size is tiny. Double your amount of responsibility. Set some huge goals. Succeed by thinking much, much bigger.

Not applicable. If I ever met someone who considered paper clips their biggest problem, I would be in jail. Yes indeed, my problems would become minor because I would then be facing a murder charge for ramming those paper clips down that person's throat.

8. Stop trying to solve the problem that is making you so serious. Certain types of problems solve themselves if you leave them alone. Your problem may be one of those.

In the workplace, I believe this falls into the "failure to to your job" category." If I actually took this advice, I would get fired. Picture this.......Monday morning comes and I sit at my desk arranging my paper clips. When my boss come by, I'll tell him, "I am just waiting for customers to solve their own problems." My paperclips and I would be out the door in about five minutes.

9. Compare what you are doing to other careers. Imagine being a septic tank drainer or an IRS agent.

Don't be hasty with the job titles. Some people would say I am a professional cleaner of shitty situations. Remember the vomit in my previous post?

10. Make everyone around you lighten up. You will soon feel more cheerful.

Alienating the few I people actually like is not part of my plan.

11. Look at bizarre solutions. What is the craziest way you could solve your problem? What solution, if it worked, would make you laugh out loud?

The craziest way I could solve my problem and laugh out loud is illegal. Enough said.

12. Act stupid for a minute. Let down your hair. Stop being so darn important for a while. Be a goof!

This one proves to me that this list should have been called "12 Easy Ways to get Fired."

After reading that list, my suspicions have been confirmed. I am sane and the rest of the world is crazy. I feel better already!

Stop the World, I Want to Get Off!

After a particularly horrible day yesterday, I have decided this is my new motto. I came home and went to bed at 8:00. It has been years since I did that. All I wanted was to pull the covers over my head and stop thinking. Of course that couldn't last. My mind keeps going so now it is the middle of the night and I am awake. I read a few blogs and tried to get life off of my mind.

I am usually better at this. By "this" I mean putting things in perspective. In the grand scheme of life, why should I care about work or the little problems that my day brings that probably won't seem so big in a few days? Knowing that makes it all the more annoying. I am my biggest critic and right now I am giving myself a hard time. That really sounds like I have multiple personality disorder doesn't it?

Indulge me here, but when I get in this kind of funk, I tend to overthink. Today's epiphany is the difference between loyalty and obligation. For years, I have functioned under the pretense that I am a loyal employee. I keep the secrets, sacrifice, and plan my life around work. Is it really about loyalty? Are these decisions based on making "good career choices?" What I realized tonight is that loyalty feels good. It really is a choice. What I am experiencing is an obligation and it feels like crap.

The good news? I can't stand pessimism and self-doubt so this mood won't last long.

Stupid is as stupid does........

I need to face it. I am surrounded by stupid people at work. Just when I think I've heard and seen it all, another idiot pops up. Here is today's issue...blogging. Do people realize they have to be very careful when blogging about work? Not at my company.

So a couple of idiots got together and decided to post several entries bashing the company. Too bad they forgot to avoid providing details that pointed to them. It's time for one of my tips:

TIP: Don't tell everyone and their brother how you feel about an issue, name names, tell them how you are never going to forget this "ordeal" then post in on a blog. It tends to point to you. Just for good measure, it's probably not wise to use a variation of your name either. Idiots A and B didn't follow any of this advice.

I used to think there were a lot people who were considerably more intelligent than me. This job has proven me wrong. Before you dash my fantasy, I realize I should consider the people I am around when making such an assumption but don't take this little joy away from me.

Bored

Sundays are not what they used to be. Instead of feeling like the weekend, it feels like the preview to Monday. I don't like feeling that way, but I do. If I didn't have so much to do, I would take vacation time instead of facing the dreaded Monday morning. It's not that I don't like my job. I do. There is too much to be done and I am tired of feeling behind all the time.

Have you ever noticed the difference between men and women with taking time off? Women will take time off because they want to. They don't necessarily need a reason. Men need a reason. They are going somewhere, need to do something, etc. They just don't take time off to be away from work. Unfortunately, I am like a man in this sense.

Anyway, back to my boredom. I have plenty to do around the house and it is getting done but I am bored. Maybe I will take a nap....

Clueless

What is it with employees who don't have a clue? Lately, all I hear is "Why me?" "It's not fair." Am I the only person who remembers what mom said about life? No one ever said life was fair. As I have said in a previous entry, I feel like everyone's mother.

Do I actually have to explain the realities of life to people? If employees actually listened when I inevitably have to explain why life isn't fair, I could take it. Oh no, that would be too easy. Whine whine whine. This is particularly difficult to stomach when they cause their problems. Here is a general list, that you would think would be obvious, of things to avoid at work:

• Don't sexually harass your coworkers. This means touching them, commenting on their body parts, and repeatedly telling them you love them. An advanced stage of this is stalking. It may be a free country but following them home, sitting in your car while parked on their street, and keeping a log of their activities doesn't bode well for your continued employment AND freedom from prosecution.
  
• Wearing a slacker sign. Show up to work and make an attempt to at least look like you are doing your job. Too many people make it obvious that work is really a social setting that is meant to meet their needs. Try having a few good cover stories versus the typical, "Everyone does it, you are just picking on me." Those of us in HR need something to work with to even attempt to save your lazy ass.
  
• Don't play the discrimination card. This is the most overused "Crying Wolf" tactic I see. People, do your homework. Unless you fall into a protected class, you don't have a hope in hell of using that one. Employees believe HR cringes at the mere mention of that word, but we are so used it being thrown around that we often laugh.
  
• Oh the hostility. Here we have the second overused phrase "Hostile Work Environment." Usually the employee claiming to be a victim of it is actually the one perpetuating such an environment. The legal requirement for what constitutes a hostile work environment is substantially higher than the dirty look your manager gives you for coming in late again.

Why people believe these things work never ceases to amaze me. I have been told employees share tips on how to avoid getting in trouble. Guess what? It doesn't work.

It's the Little Things

So the lottery failed me again last night. Am I the only nut who actually believes the phrase, "I have just as much of a chance of winning as anyone else?" This belief of mine is really a sign of desperation versus the start of a gambling addiction.

I was out doing errands today and got to thinking about many things that annoy me. I am not talking about the person in the 10 item lane with 12. I can handle that. They may be little to others but these things really piss me off.

• People driving and talking on their cell phones. Really people, who do you need to talk to that badly? These people fall into two categories: roamers and slow-pokes. The roamers are usually men. They are erratic and have a tendency to edge into the lane next to them. Unless they want me to push their asses into their own lane, they better watch it. The others are the slow-pokes and are usually women. These mini-van driving hags drive about 20 miles an hour and are prone to ride the brake the whole time. Just when you think someone MUST be having a medical emergency in this car, you pass them and see the cell phone. This is when a tow truck or a police car with a pushbar would come in handy. I would love to push their distracted asses right off the road. Instead of an HOV lane, let's have a cell phone lane and let them take each other out. Natural selection my friend.
• People in fast food restaurants who insist on paying for several orders separately. Split up the change on your own time dipshit. Along these lines are the bastards who order enough food for an army through the drive-thru window. They really have a death wish.
• Religious freaks coming to my house. While I respect the right to individual beliefs, keep them off my porch. I have a TV so if I want to be saved I can turn on Jerry Falwell.
• Seniors who think longevity makes them entitled to rudeness. I have seen this in restaurants when they cut in front of me, times when I open the door for someone and they act like I am the doorman (no thank you, fuck you, or kiss my ass), and on the road. With osteoporosis, I could break their necks quite easily.
• News reporters. Are their news stations that actually have real people as reporters? All of them look like actors with bad makeup and pasted hair. They love to act humored when their co-anchor says something mildly amusing. Giggle giggle, I have a feather up my ass.
• Neighbors who let their dogs crap on my lawn and leave it. Yeah, you'll get it back and it won't be on your lawn.
• Newspaper delivery. It's not a big deal to me that it is practically in the street. The tip is directly related to the distance it lands from my door. I feel better already.
• SUV drivers who lack the capacity to park. It's like an amusement park...if you're not big enough to handle the ride, stay off. On a side note, door dings lead to a psychotic frenzy for me. When and if that happens, you can expect a key job. I take great care not to ding or scrape anyone else so I practice what I preach.
• Telephone solicitors. I don't care if they aren't selling something. I am not interested in participating in a poll, listening to how they can save me money, etc. I used to have mercy on these people, listen to their whole script, and politely say, "No thank you." Not anymore. Now I either say no as soon as I can or mess with them. Here is an example of an exchange I had with a person trying to get me to change my long-distance carrier:

Caller: We can save you money on your long-distance.

Me: Doesn't really matter because I don't make long-distance calls.

Caller: None?

Me: No.

Caller: Even if you don't regularly make calls, we can save you money.

Me: Really, I don't make calls, I don't have friends.

Caller: :::Pauses:::

Me: I am sensing judgement.

Caller: Ahem, no but I think we can save you money and want to give you a free gift as thanks for switching.

Me: But I don't make calls. Actually, I don't receive calls very much either.

Caller: Ok.

Me: It's great that you called because I could use someone to talk to. Maybe you could call me again. I need to get off the phone because I feel a panic attack coming on and my medication is in the other room. Can you hang on long enough to make sure I reach it? I might need you to call 911 if I don't make it.

:::Click::::

Welcome to Walmart

Days like this make me long for a simple job like a Walmart greeter. How difficult can it be to say "Hi" and push a cart at someone? Maybe my expert people skills would make me a "Head Greeter." There is nothing like starting at the top.

Anyway, my days are long, long, long. I have discovered a huge job duty that was not in my job description.......helping managers figure out how to do the simple things they are supposed to know how to do. I used to think this was a problem with male managers but I have come to the conclusion that the females are just as bad. They are different though.

Women have a tendency to take things more personally and second-guess themselves endlessly. Do these morons realize their lack of confidence makes it bad for the rest of the women in the workplace? It reminds me of the feeling many women have about women degrading their gender by posing for Playboy. Personally, I think women who say that wish they looked like Playboy models. Yep, that would be a problem, wouldn't it? I wonder if Walmart would mind if I posed for Playboy with a strategically placed Walmart vest and a smile? So tempting but for as many weird offers as I have had lately, none have included money for a picture of my chest. Oh well, tomorrow is another day..........

Does it ever end?

For the past few years, there has been a lot of discussion about work/life balance. That isn't happening with my job. Sure, it's talked about, but the actions don't add up. It's hard to appear upbeat to employees when I am burned out.

I played the lottery tonight but, like all the millions of other suckers, I will need to show up to work on Monday.

I need a maid and a personal assistant. Actually, I could also use a personal shopper. When I go to work, it's dark. When I get home, it's dark. It's a good thing online banking exists. Without it, my bills wouldn't get paid because the outside world does not exist during my work hours. I thought a benefit to being salaried was flexibility. NOPE! It basically means I make less than minimum wage if my salary was broken down to an hourly wage. The good news? I am too busy to spend any of it.