Sunday, February 19, 2006

It's the Little Things

So the lottery failed me again last night. Am I the only nut who actually believes the phrase, "I have just as much of a chance of winning as anyone else?" This belief of mine is really a sign of desperation versus the start of a gambling addiction.

I was out doing errands today and got to thinking about many things that annoy me. I am not talking about the person in the 10 item lane with 12. I can handle that. They may be little to others but these things really piss me off.

  • People driving and talking on their cell phones. Really people, who do you need to talk to that badly? These people fall into two categories: roamers and slow-pokes. The roamers are usually men. They are erratic and have a tendency to edge into the lane next to them. Unless they want me to push their asses into their own lane, they better watch it. The others are the slow-pokes and are usually women. These mini-van driving hags drive about 20 miles an hour and are prone to ride the brake the whole time. Just when you think someone MUST be having a medical emergency in this car, you pass them and see the cell phone. This is when a tow truck or a police car with a pushbar would come in handy. I would love to push their distracted asses right off the road. Instead of an HOV lane, let's have a cell phone lane and let them take each other out. Natural selection my friend.
  • People in fast food restaurants who insist on paying for several orders separately. Split up the change on your own time dipshit. Along these lines are the bastards who order enough food for an army through the drive-thru window. They really have a death wish.
  • Religious freaks coming to my house. While I respect the right to individual beliefs, keep them off my porch. I have a TV so if I want to be saved I can turn on Jerry Falwell.
  • Seniors who think longevity makes them entitled to rudeness. I have seen this in restaurants when they cut in front of me, times when I open the door for someone and they act like I am the doorman (no thank you, fuck you, or kiss my ass), and on the road. With osteoporosis, I could break their necks quite easily.
  • News reporters. Are their news stations that actually have real people as reporters? All of them look like actors with bad makeup and pasted hair. They love to act humored when their co-anchor says something mildly amusing. Giggle giggle, I have a feather up my ass.
  • Neighbors who let their dogs crap on my lawn and leave it. Yeah, you'll get it back and it won't be on your lawn.
  • Newspaper delivery. It's not a big deal to me that it is practically in the street. The tip is directly related to the distance it lands from my door. I feel better already.
  • SUV drivers who lack the capacity to park. It's like an amusement park...if you're not big enough to handle the ride, stay off. On a side note, door dings lead to a psychotic frenzy for me. When and if that happens, you can expect a key job. I take great care not to ding or scrape anyone else so I practice what I preach.
  • Telephone solicitors. I don't care if they aren't selling something. I am not interested in participating in a poll, listening to how they can save me money, etc. I used to have mercy on these people, listen to their whole script, and politely say, "No thank you." Not anymore. Now I either say no as soon as I can or mess with them. Here is an example of an exchange I had with a person trying to get me to change my long-distance carrier:

Caller: We can save you money on your long-distance.

Me: Doesn't really matter because I don't make long-distance calls.

Caller: None?

Me: No.

Caller: Even if you don't regularly make calls, we can save you money.

Me: Really, I don't make calls, I don't have friends.

Caller: :::Pauses:::

Me: I am sensing judgement.

Caller: Ahem, no but I think we can save you money and want to give you a free gift as thanks for switching.

Me: But I don't make calls. Actually, I don't receive calls very much either.

Caller: Ok.

Me: It's great that you called because I could use someone to talk to. Maybe you could call me again. I need to get off the phone because I feel a panic attack coming on and my medication is in the other room. Can you hang on long enough to make sure I reach it? I might need you to call 911 if I don't make it.



Another "Team" Player said...

I saw you posted again...and made a fresh pot of coffee to read this with.

The Cast was spot on.
I would add the intern/coop university student hire.

This Fresh Faced Youngster is usually underestimated and finishes the given lame assignments in half the time the "boss" expects. The rest of the day is spent using the company Email as a Chat line with their other friends at other jobs where their potential is also not being utilized.

I was one of them.

And this articulated my thoughts exactly on this group:
"The next couple are reformed bar whores who don't have a clue."

Idea: Play Buzz-Word Bingo in a meeting with your other overachievers. Include anagrams Ie.TPS reports ala Office Space. It's industry specific.
The hardest part is not laughing.

Post the results.

MDUB said...

Hey thanks for the comment. All I needed was the one. I loved this post I was damn near in tears over "With osteoporosis, I could break their necks quite easily"

I've been reading some of your old posts too, I like your style. Not that I could add any readers for you since you're my only one, but would you mind if I put a link on my blog?