Translations

I am tired and can't think of a good topic so here is a list of the qualities companies are looking for, what applicants list as skills, and what all of it really means.

Apply in Person: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

Career-Minded: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Casual Work Atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Duties will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

I am Adaptable: I've changed jobs a lot.

I am On the Go: I'm never at my desk.

I Take Pride in my Work: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'm Extremely Adept at all Manner of Office Organization: I've used Microsoft Office.

I'm Extremely Professional: I carry a Day-Timer.

I'm Honest, Hard-Working and Dependable: I pilfer office supplies.

I'm Personable: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

Join our Fast-Paced Company: We have no time to train you.

Must be Deadline Oriented: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Must have an Eye for Detail: We have no quality control.

My Pertinent Work Experience Includes: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

No Phone Calls Please: We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Problem-Solving Skills a Must: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Requires Team Leadership Skills: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Rude

Lately I have been encountering extremely rude people. Did I miss the mass mailing for classes on this behavior? What happened to treating others as you want to be treated? Apparently that went out with VCRs.

The first example of this is holding doors open. I hold doors open for people. Lately, I am getting no response for my effort. Although I do not dress like a doorman, I am apparently confused for one.

Women are the worst at this. I would like to yank their ponytail out of their head while pulling them back out the door. I have said, "You're welcome" yet I have never gotten a response. I would like one of them to say something in response to me calling them on their rude behavior but so far I have been deprived of the confrontation.

One can only hope.

The next is my road rage. I have been diagnosed as suffering/perpetuating road rage by nearly every person who has ridden in my car. Like many other fine drivers, I have been driven to this illness by idiots on the road.

Perfect example was today. I was driving along when I realized there was a broken down bus in my lane. Would someone let me merge into next lane? Oh no. Would these idiots prefer to be in my lane? It's not like I am asking them to slam on their brakes to let me in.

I am not one of these people who drives in a lane I know has an accident, obstruction, or bus just to pass everyone. Shit happens people so why not be part of the solution versus being an asshole? All that gets you is my horn and a psychotic look when I catch up to you.

This behavior tends to scare my passengers so have a heart.

Psychotic Women

What is the problem with women? Being one, it may sound odd for me to criticize other women but they tend to get on my nerves.

There is one woman in particular in upper management at my company who runs around like a chicken with her head cut off whenever she gets stressed.

Silly me thought effective managers realize they need to trust employees they delegate projects to. Instead, this woman runs around questioning everything and expects to hear all the details of projects she wasn't involved in on a daily basis. Instead of solving problems, all this does is create chaos.

It also pisses people off.

When I see this woman act like this, two thoughts come to mind. First, any shred of respect I had for her disappears immediately. Second, I'd like to smack her....hard.

Horribly inappropriate (and potentially illegal) comment ahead....

If menopausal hags can't keep it together, they should retire.

The Bitch is Back

While that is the title of an Elton John song, I am referring to a woman in my office. She was working in another department for almost a year but she is back.

It was like a honeymoon when she was gone. The stress level in the office was less... I could actually feel it. So now she is back and so it the palpable stress in the office.

Here is her general MO:

• This is a woman who loves to boss everyone around. It is not unusual to have to tell others what she thinks they should be doing.
  
• She thinks she knows how to do the job of everyone in my department and isn't afraid to say so. She repeatedly questions how people do their job and chimes in frequently about things she doesn't know jack about.
  
• She doesn't supervise any of the employees mentioned above.
  
• She is prone to emotional outbursts of "Nobody appreciates me."
  
• She is known throughout the company as a nasty shrew so the chances of her leaving are slim to none.
  
• Personal hygiene is NOT on the top of her list.
  
• Upper management knows her MO yet does nothing about it. Somebody please tell me why.

I have found myself humming "The Bitch is Back" when she walks by. I will probably end up in sensitivity training. At least she can do my job while I am gone.

Bad Karma?

Driving home yesterday, I pulled a Fabio with my car.

Yes, I have committed the ultimate sin of murder.

I was driving down a two lane road. Two birds were sitting in the other lane. When the car in the other lane approached them, they flew into my lane and BAM!

I didn't see anything in my mirror but of course it sounded like one of them probably got propelled to the next city.

Thankfully I didn't have any bird remnants on my car. I still felt bad.

At least it over quickly. And the bird's friend had quite a story to tell.

I wonder if they have post-traumatic syndrome counseling for the bird community. Something to help survivors cope.

I am going to hell.

Confession Time

What makes you decide what blogs to read?

The blogs I read tend to have something in common. Not the topic, but that the authors are good writers. If you look at the blogs I have listed, most of them are about very different things. Most of them are interesting writers who make me laugh or tell a story in such a way that I want to go back to see how things are progressing.

I have noticed many people tend to have links to other blogs that share themes with them while others (like me) have links to many different things.

Along those lines, what makes someone add a link to their page? I add what I read. It makes it easier for me to get to the blogs and hopefully encourages others to read them since I think they are worth reading.

I have been wondering if some people add links to their blog out of pity or mutual respect (I linked you, so you link me). I don't have that expectation but would like to know if others do.

Ever see a blog with tons of comments and wonder why people think it's so great? There is one in particular that is very popular that is ok, but I don't see the cult-following allure others see.

Confess!

"We're Gonna Make Our Dreams Come True"

Would you be willing to give up the credibility and respect you may have to carry someone else?

This is a reality in many situations at work, but one pair in particular stands out.

This pair is two men who are as thick as thieves. Mutt and Jeff. Laurel and Hardy. Abbott and Costello. Barnum & Bailey. Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid.

The reality....if they were women they would resemble Laverne & Shirley. Totally inept and goofy.

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight! Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!"

In thinking about it, they actually physically resemble Lenny and Squiggy.

"On Your Mark, Get Set and Go Now"

Back to my story.

This pair has many things in common. Both are womanizers. Both are professional ass kissers. Both are all talk, no action. They are a joke in the company.

One has risen through the ranks much quicker than the other but the top guy can always be counted on to carry the lower up with him. WHY? Why would top guy destroy his reputation to carry the little guy? Especially one not worthy of such an effort.

Why do I watch Nick at Nite?

Pickles

There is a guy at my company who a few of us refer to as "Pickles." He is the stereotypical lazy, ineffective employee. Pickles was given a job many years ago because he had connections to a manager. Nepotism.

He is overpaid and completely incapable of doing the job he is paid to do. Sadly, most of the company knows of him and his lack of abilities.

I was on a committee with him for a couple of years so I got to see his general ineffectiveness up close. Among of his most annoying habits is his love for Dale Carnegie. He was always quoting Dale Carnegie.

Need I say more?

If you are not familiar with Dale Carnegie, his most famous book was "How to Win Friends and Influence People." Years ago, it was common for companies to send their employees to the Dale Carnegie Course.

No matter what we were discussing during the course of the committee, Pickles found a way to throw in Dale Carnegie. "Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are."

Yeah, we get it, old Dale turns you on.

Pickles other annoying habit was continually changing his job title. The project we were working on was quite complex, so there were times we had people from outside the company attend our meetings. It never failed, Pickles changed his title and what his role was at the company. It became a running joke. What will Pickles be today?

What has become of Pickles? Nothing. He is still there, still ineffective, still overpaid. I think he realizes how incapable he is but does not realize everyone else knows, too.