Seashells

My company has biannual meetings to celebrate our "successes" in the first and last part of years. Most of you are probably thinking these are great opportunities to network and relax a bit huh? Actually, these meetings are the closest thing to torture that exist.

These meetings are not optional. My calendar MUST be clear for them. Additionally, vacation is strongly discouraged for these days. Sick? Unless I am dying, I better be there. Death in the family? Produce a corpse. Get the picture?

The meetings are held in a local hotel in a banquet room. I enter the room and hope it is open seating. Odd isn't it? Like a wedding, there are times these meetings have had assigned seating. A vain attempt to integrate employees in our department when it is widely known that many employees loathe each other. Ten years of hatred is going to be fixed by a teambuilding exercise? When hell freezes over.

We start with a catered lunch but no liquor of any kind. While I secretly wish for booze, it would remove the last shred of restraint I have so it is probably a good thing.

There is typically a theme to these meetings so it is wise to notice the theme and compliment whoever was responsible for it. This goes something like this: "Great surfboards, I love the beach theme."

What I am really thinking is, "Where is the sand for this beach because I would like to bury my head in it until this torture is over."

I find my seat and proceed to twirl the drink umbrella stuck in the cup of jelly beans sitting on the sun-shaped placemat at my seat. The middle of the table has shells for all of the people at my table. This can only mean the shells mean something. Yes indeed, these meetings resemble craft hour at a nursing home. Picture seventy-five professionals stuck in a room waiting for the HR Manager to tell us how these shells represent us and the work we do.

It doesn't take long.

He takes his place at the podium and asks, "By now, I am sure all of you have noticed the shells."

Most of my coworkers force a smile and chuckle in a way that implies enthusiasm.

"Pick a shell that represents you and wait. Those shells will play an integral part in our meeting today."

I was afraid this would happen. A shell that represents me? Is he suggesting a shell that represents the shape of my body? Mood? How can a shell represent me?

Is there a shell large enough for me to crawl inside? Of course not. I decide there is no point in trying to understand his logic and pick the shell with a sharp point on it. My choice is twofold. It represents my mood and could be used to gouge my eyes out if the meeting becomes unbearable.

He talks about goals, successes, and how the CEO is happy with our progress. We make things happen, this company would flounder without HR activities, etc.

Get to the damned shells.

As he continues to talk, all I can do is stare at my shell and try to imagine what is coming.

I got a masters degree for this?

The meeting did take me back to my childhood. No, I didn't frequent beaches looking for seashells. I was thinking about that episode of the Brady Bunch when Cindy has the lisp. "Seashells, seashells, by the seashore."

He gets through the usual banter and finally mentions the shells again.

"We are going to go around the room and have each of you tell us why you picked your shell. We will learn about each other and have a lot of fun in the process. "

Are you out of your freaking mind? How is this happening? Is this a case of bad karma? What did I do to deserve this?

I catch the eye of a couple of my coworkers who have the same look of horror on their faces that I do. At the same time, there is also an unspoken understanding that we have to do this.

So we sit and wait. Coming up with an explanation for our shell choice is not difficult. As I have said before, HR professionals are in their element when a little bs is needed.

Now, if this situation wasn't bad enough, it gets worse. Some of my coworkers actually believe this is great fun. What do they do? Take this seriously and ramble on for a few minutes about their great epiphany with their shell.

We have 75 people to get through. Can I blow into my shell to amuse myself?

These meetings are scheduled for two hours but in reality they end when we are done. If we are busy doing these humiliating teambuilding exercises, we don't stop. This means watching the clock is pointless.

Batter up! It's my turn. I stand up, cradling my dagger-like shell. I am tempted to say, "My name is Ms. Pink Slip and I'm an addict" but I put on my happy face.

I picked my shell because it's durable. Like this shell, I am protective. Like this shell, there is a lot on the inside you cannot see.

I'm sound like such an idiot but I like to keep them guessing. Besides, I wasn't going to drone on about beautiful colors and ridges signifying the stages of my life like others did. Shells can be full of sand. Like so many of them are full of shit. Sand is gritty and annoying, like so many of them.

It may not seem that bad to ensure this crap twice a year but it's not that simple. You see, whatever trinket, like the shell, I get at a meeting must be strategically placed in my office. To not display these items would be comparable to not standing during the National Anthem. Every time one of these meeting items catches my eye, I am forced to relive the moment. Some of my coworkers get a good laugh from this (including those who read my blog).

I will finally admit it. I laugh, too.

Inside Joke

Know-It-All

"The trouble with being in a rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."

My company is not unique in having numerous know-it-alls. These are the people who deserve a swift kick to the ass on a daily basis. I have been stuck with one from another department who has annoyed me to no end. She is loud, obnoxious, abrasive, and generally unpleasant. Topping off her nasty personality is her belief that she knows HR's job better than the HR professionals responsible for HR activities.

Some may call her a know-it-all, I settled for horrific bitch and called it a day.

Mutual Admiration Society

There's an odd type of behavior by some employees at my company that intrigues me. I call it the "Mutual Admiration Society." Basically, this is two or more employees who continually kiss each others' ass. This is not to be confused with typical ass kissing many employees do to the boss. It is also not the behavior of employees who are flirting. No, this is the most twisted display of mutual ego stroking I have ever seen. It is rampant so somehow I think I slept through the section on this in training.

Here is how it goes:

Moron A: How did that problem turn out?

Moron B: Thank you for asking. If it wasn't for you, I couldn't have handled it.

Moron A: Sure you could. I am glad I was here for you.

Moron B: You're always here for me.

Moron A: If only everyone knew the struggles we endure.

Moron B: At least we have each other.

See the pattern here? Not only is the passive-aggressive banter totally fake, it actually turns into a "us against the world" mentality. This happens on a daily basis with several groups of employees. In fact, my office is full of these people. People who don't know how to have relationships with coworkers any other way.

I have actually heard coworkers in my office say, "I love you" to each other. This is a professional HR environment? While I don't care if anyone has a close relationship, there is a line at work. Additionally, all of this bantering is bullshit. I cannot think of one person who is a part of a mutual admiration society who wouldn't stab the other in the back if it suited them.

This is what happens when you work in a predominately female field.

?

I really need someone to tell me why people who bitch and complain get what they want. There are two different groups of people who do this. The first group bitches and complains privately to friends or through a blog, but still does their job (hint, hint). The other spends the majority of their time trying to wrap as many people as possible into their imaginary victimization. See what I mean?

It never fails, those who whine get their way. This happens with employees at various levels in the company. This leads me to believe it has nothing to do with "I'll scratch your back.." Nope, I have reached the conclusion that it is simply easier to pay these drama queens off versus telling them to shut the hell up.

If it was all about getting my way, I could accomplish the same outcome with the right plan. The problem for me is twofold. First, I am not willing to whine to get my way. I am one of those idiots who actually believes hard work pays off. I have learned that the "Payoff" is really more work and higher expectations.

Anywho, the other reason I can't do this is because, even though management caves and gives in to these bitches from hell, those bitching are left with no credibility. I am not willing to give that up to get my way. Of course I could write a book and title it, "How I Bitched My Way to Success." I have many case studies right in my office.

What I really should be doing is blaming my parents for stressing morality and values. What the hell were they thinking? They should have taught me, "Kill or Be Killed."

Update

The bitchy, foot stomping coworker I mentioned yesterday still doesn't get it. Apparently she doesn't understand the concept of following the direction of her supervisor. When a supervisor recommends an employee participate in a task, would any reasonable person take that to be a choice? Well folks, apparently this idiot didn't take the hint. She is still trying to pawn it off on me. For clarification, I am NOT her supervisor. If that was the situation, I wouldn't be hinting.

While I can relate to the concept of just wanting a paycheck versus a job, I am not going to do tasks a coworker doesn't like. Bite the bullet (or take one for the team) or get the hell out.

The icing on the cake? She is the least experienced of our team. It pisses me off that she sits back and tries to stay out of potentially challenging situations. Most employees in this situation work twice as hard to prove themselves. Apparently mediocrity is acceptable to some people.

Since our team is paid to be perceptive and carry around a bullshit detector, doesn't she realize we are aware she is trying to play us? I love encountering extremely manipulative people and watching them try to work me. While I don't typically make egotistical statements, I haven't met my match yet. Besides,I use my bullshit skills for good, not evil.

Anyway, like a slow moving car on the highway, she will get pushed out of the way.....soon!

Odd Day

I had a very odd day. Here's a summary :

• Went to work only to have a coworker stomp her foot at me. My first thought was to laugh and of course I did. When did work become a preschool? If those are the new rules, I wish someone had told me. Like a three-year old, I would have responded with a good smack, pulled her hair out, and maybe pinched her to really make my point.
  
  
• When did it become acceptable to bitch and moan about the parts of your job you don't like doing AND pretty much refuse to do them? Anyone who reads my blog would understand merely bitching and moaning might lead to a bonding experience with me but the idiot in question made a crucial mistake. She tried to pawn off the work she didn't want to do on me. Carrying on like that only gets you one thing from me .....determination to make you suffer. I'll leave the details out but I accomplished my mission. Moral of this story is not to fuck with people smarter than you.
  
  
• Driving home, I witnessed a pathetic sight. On the side of the road, I see a young teenage girl sitting on her bike on the sidewalk. Standing next to her is a cop with his motorcycle parked nearby who is obviously giving her a stern talking to. Sure, she was probably doing something stupid but I found it amusing that a car passed me probably going 65 mph in a 45 zone while all this was going on. On a side note, why is that I cannot help humming the theme to CHIPS when I see a cop on a motorcycle? I have also been known to sing the Love Boat theme while on cruises but I digress.
  
  
• The final straw was some idiot at a four-way stop who blew right through the sign. While I was tempted to drive up behind him and ram his ass, I didn't. Of course the police are entirely too busy lecturing helpless teens to be bothered with this.

Cruel & Unusual Punishment

Is it possible to endure this at work? Many times, while I sit in meetings, I think about prisoners sitting in their cells with no responsibility. They have a TV and a cushy cot while I am sitting in a hard chair listening to some idiot rant and rave about meaningless things. During such times, I generally focus on a spot on the wall or someone's face and find my happy place. It's all I can do not to scream at the top of my lungs or lay my weary head down on the table and take a nap.

To keep this charade going, it is important to follow these steps:

1. Choose a seat out of the limelight, preferably away from the person leading the meeting.
   
   
2. Appear genuinely interested in the meeting. You can accomplish this by nodding once in a while. Bonus points for actually making a comment or asking a question.
   
   
3. Appear to take notes. If you really want to look good, nod your head and smile while taking those notes. No one has to know you are creating a shopping or hit list.
   
   
4. Perfect the art of watching the time. Again, your seat choice can be crucial here. I tend to pick a seat with a view of a clock. Looking at your watch can be difficult to go unnoticed.
   
   
5. Try to avoid sitting across from friends. Many times I have been caught rolling my eyes or giving a look to a friend that says, "Can you believe that idiot?"
   
   
6. Be careful when making suggestions. Good suggestions have a nasty way of becoming projects......for you!
   
   
7. If you can't take it anymore, try to work a comment like this in....."That's a great idea, since time is getting short (actually my patience), maybe we can discuss that at the next meeting."
   
   
8. If your attempt to end a meeting fails, don't be ashamed to leave the room for a few minutes. Sure, people might think you have bladder issues, but at this point, do you care? If someone verbalizes such a thought, feel free to sue the company for discrimination based on a health condition.

Still Kicking

While I am aging, apparently it's too soon to put my foot in the grave. I didn't get a lot of answers but I also didn't get a bad speech regarding my health either. We'll see. Mysterious, huh? I am a complicated little woman.

On the upside....hmm, I know I can find one....guess not. Here is a general recap of my day:

• Went to work
• Got pissed off
• Too many people wanted something NOW
• I didn't care
• I watched my coworkers suffer the same cycle
• So it's not me
• Its the job
• I left with relief and a renewed sense that tomorrow will be a better day

Do I need to be medicated or should I jump straight to the shock therapy?

I see TomKat's baby girl was born. I feel better already.

Top Ten Employee Rules

Since it is ridiculously depressing, I can't have my last entry be at the top of the page so here is another list:

Top Ten Employee Rules

1) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
2) If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
3) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
4) For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5) Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
6) Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
7) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
8) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
9) Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
10) If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

Random Thoughts

I can't pick one topic to write about so here are my random thoughts.

• Easter was boring. I think Easter should not fall on Sundays since they are really pre-Mondays.
  
• Despite my previous complaining about the "Next Blog" button being useless, I recently found a couple worth reading that way.
  
• I need a nap, a million dollars, and a vacation ..... in that order.
  
• I am preoccupied with a health problem. I will find out tomorrow if I am falling apart due to age or if death becomes me.
  
• Elton John's "Crocodile Rock," while annoying, seems to jolt me out of bad moods.

It's probably obvious by now, but I am in a funk. No motivation whatsoever. How does this happen?

This isn't really motivating anyone to keep reading is it?

Cow Tipping

Surely anyone with a job today has heard of sacred cows. These are the untouchable people, things, or processes that should have been dealt with a long time ago. If the cow is a person, typically the constant milking turns them into spoiled brats who demand the very best.

Here is the contradiction. Everyone talks about sacred cows and how we shouldn't have them. They are discussed with scorn and resentment. At the same time, the end result is never the slaughter of the damn cow. Oh no, the cow continues to be exalted. It's a classic love/hate relationship.

Of course I do have personal experience with this. What continues to amaze me (actually piss me off) is how sacred cows tend to be the least worthy of being exalted. These people (and things) are truly the waste of most organizations.

So, if you see a sacred cow, do me a favor and tip it over. The milk went bad a long time ago.

Immigrant Rights Rallies

I wasn't going to bother blogging about the events yesterday, but I rarely hold anything back so here goes. Before anyone sends me any hatemail, this is America so I can say whatever I want. Additionally, not supporting this cause does not equate to me being racist. Those are two separate issues so spare the comments or nasty e-mails.

In a nutshell....it's all bullshit. If you are in this country illegally, you have NO RIGHTS. End of story.

Those in this country illegally should count themselves lucky that, for the most part, the police leave them alone and their lives must be improved for them to remain here. What's the problem?

I could take it a step further and say the rallies would have been a great opportunity for an INS sweep but that would be obnoxious wouldn't it?

Next Blog

Probably everyone has hit the button in the top right corner, right? Is is just me or is that a futile effort? What I usually find is blogs selling things, blogs in languages I cannot read, or very strange topics that make me shudder at the idea that such people exist. Still, I hit the button from time to time, hoping to find a great blog.

Has anyone actually found one they continued to read? I sure as hell hope so.

Workers Creed

Here is another list a reader sent me. Can you tell it's Monday?

Workers Creed

• As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my inner sociopath.
  
• I have the power to channel my imagination into ever soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
  
• I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
  
• I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
  
• In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
  
• Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
  
• My intuition makes up for my lack of good judgment.
  
• I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
  
• Joan of Arc heard voices too.
  
• I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
  
• I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
  
• As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
  
• When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
  
• The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
  
• As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
  
• All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
  
• I am at one with my duality.
  
• Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
  
• I will strive to live each day as if it were my 29th birthday.
  
• Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
  
• I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
  
• Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
  
• False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
  
• A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
  
• I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
  
• Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
  
• Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
  
• The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
  
• I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
  
• Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
  
• To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
  
• I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Competition

Is competition unavoidable? I do not consider myself to be competitive at all and this seems to put me in the minority. I was discussing this with a friend and she was of the opinion that everyone is competitive. According to her, you cannot survive in this country without being competitive on some level. While I was tempted to laugh, she got me thinking.

As I said, I am not competitive with others yet I do have high expectations of myself. Shocked aren't you? This friend believes I am competitive. Huh? My idea of competition is a winner and a loser, settling for nothing less than top dog, or reveling in crushing someone else. Am I wrong?

I was the kid who was happy to participate. Winning didn't matter to me. As an adult, I am not one of those people who gets obsessed with winning a board game at a party. In fact, those who are happy playing the rule-enforcer and who MUST win piss me off. For the love of God, it's a game.

I have achievements because I worked hard, not because I beat someone else. There are times that I would like to beat others but not in a competitive sense. It would be more along the lines of smacking a few people in the head who annoy me. Most of those who come to mind are coworkers.

Goading a Goat

Accountability, or the lack of, has been on my mind lately. What is so difficult about taking responsibility for mistakes? Why do people find it necessary to look for the nearest scapegoat when faced with such a situation?

At my company, this type of behavior is spreading like herpes on a prostitute. While I have not been immune to attempts at tagging me the scapegoat, I have a tendency to come out fighting when these situations occur. Those who have tried this tactic on me have learned that goading me doesn't go over well.

I have an exceptional memory and do not forget those who have attempted to screw me over. In fact, this is an area I excel in when it comes to patience. I have patiently waited for opportunities for revenge on several occasions. As a bonus, it doesn't appear to anyone (except the idiot receiving my revenge) that I am being malicious. It's not too difficult to wait for a good opportunity when these type of people continually pull this kind of shit. I just sit back and laugh. Of course I share these situations with select people who also revel in sweet revenge. While that may sound a little psychotic, these are people who deserved my sweet revenge. Like a goat, I have used my horns to defend myself.

What bothers me is the people who don't fight due to their level in the company or because they don't have an aggressive bone in their body. While I am not the mother or bodyguard of these scapegoats, it pisses me off when it keeps happening. Sure, these people should defend themselves but where is the accountability for this behavior when management knows they are taking a fall they do not deserve?

Screw it. I played the lottery tonight. If I won, I will adopt a few goats from the zoo and train them to attack.

Clarence and Felix

This story says it all about the difference between a manager and an employee. If you get through this and say, "I don't get it, " you are probably a manager. Before you jump out a window (or get pushed), just remember you can change your spots. That's a leopard but you get the point.

The world of work, from a frog's perspective...

Once upon a time, there lived a man named Clarence who had a pet frog named Felix. Clarence lived a modestly comfortable existence on what he earned working at Walmart; but he always dreamed of being rich.

"Felix!" he exclaimed one day, "We're going to be rich! I'm going to teach you how to fly!" Felix, of course, was terrified at the prospect. "I can't fly, you idiot! I'm a frog, not a canary!" Clarence, disappointed at the initial reaction, told Felix, "That negative attitude of yours could be a real problem. I'm sending you to class."

So Felix went to a three day class and learned about problem solving, time management and effective communication.... but nothing about flying.

On the first day of "flying lessons", Clarence could barely control his excitement (and Felix could barely control his bladder). Clarence explained that their apartment had 15 floors and each day Felix would jump out of a window starting with the first floor eventually getting to the top floor. After each jump, Felix would analyze how well he flew, isolate on the most effective flying techniques and implement the improved process for the next flight. By the time they reached the top floor, Felix would surely be able to fly.

Felix pleaded for his life, but it fell on deaf ears. "He just doesn't understand how important this is..." thought Clarence, "but I won't let naysayers get in my way." So, with that, Clarence opened the window and threw Felix out (who landed with a thud).

Next day (poised for his second flying lesson) Felix again begged not to be thrown out of the window. With that, Clarence opened his pocket guide to "Managing More Effectively" and showed Felix the part about how one must always expect resistance when implementing new programs. And with that, he threw Felix out the window. (THUD!)

On the third day (at the third floor) Felix tried a different ploy. Stalling, he asked for a delay in the "project" until better weather would make flying conditions more favorable. But Clarence was ready for him. He produced a timeline pointed to the third milestone and asked, "You don't want to slip the schedule do you?" From his training, Felix knew that not jumping today would mean that he would have to jump TWICE tomorrow. So he just said, "OK. Let's go." And out the window he went.

Now understand that Felix really was trying his best. On the fifth day he flapped his feet madly in a vain attempt to fly. On the sixth day he tied a small red cape around his neck and tried to think "Superman" thoughts. Try as he might, though, Felix couldn't fly.

By the seventh day, Felix (accepting his fate) no longer begged for mercy. He simply looked at Clarence and said, "You know you're killing me, don't you?" Clarence pointed out that Felix's performance so far had been less than exemplary, failing to meet any of the milestone goals he had set for him. With that, Felix said quietly, "Shut up and open the window". He leaped out, taking careful aim on the large jagged rock by the corner of the building. And Felix went to that great lily pad in the sky.

Clarence was extremely upset, as his project had failed to meet a single goal that he set out to accomplish. Felix had not only failed to fly, he didn't even learn how to steer his flight as he fell like a sack of cement. Nor did he improve his productivity when Clarence had told him to "Fall smarter, not harder."

The only thing left for Clarence to do was to analyze the process and try to determine where it had gone wrong. After much thought, Clarence smiled and said, "Next time...... I'm getting a smarter frog!"

Changes

Taking many of my entries into consideration, it may come as a complete shock that I am not looking to get fired.

With that in mind, I decided to change the title of my blog. My preference would have been to also change the URL, but I don't want to lose any of my readers so I will keep that. I don't think there is anything overly specific in my blog, however it's also smart to think ahead, right?

Lie to me

I have many pet peeves and I am not afraid to bitch about them. The latest is people who seemingly ask for advice and then ignore it or get angry. If the preference is that I simply smile and lie to your face, let me know these expectations for the start. Why anyone would expect me to lie to them is beyond me. I am not known for having a poker face so I don't even need to speak to make my feelings known.

Anyway, back to my rant. There needs to be a new word created to describe the act of asking for a lie covered in ego stroking yet presented as the truth. Oh yes, the word already exists...bullshit? How insecure can people be to actually expect someone to lie to them when they asked for an opinion?

The insult to this injury is how many people react to my honesty. While I typically demonstrate an appropriate level of tact, I do give my honest opinion. Often times, this is met with dirty looks, looks between people, uncomfortable silences, and dramatic gasps of "How could you say that?"

While many people may respond to such situations with an apology, I don't. In fact, it is not unusual for me to call others on their lack of honesty. I say what others think. Now, before anyone gets the idea that I am one of those overbearing people to avoid like a plague, keep in mind.......people are still asking my opinion so I must be doing something right.