Saturday, March 11, 2006

Call me Sybil

I am a walking contradiction. Wait, don't run off yet. Allow me to explain. While I have a sense of humor, I also have a serious side that doesn't know when to quit. I was surfing around today and found this list. Would anyone actually take this seriously? While reading it, I found myself responding to it. Yep, MPD is back isn't it? Instead of talking to a webpage that won't respond, I figured I would put them here.

12 Ways to Lighten Up

Whoever wrote this must live on a small island in the South Pacific and smoke some great stuff frequently.

Try these techniques until you find one that lightens you up.

1. Deliberately turn a molehill into a mountain. Make a big deal out of a little problem. "I would feel much better if these papers were stacked exactly like this! Not like that! Like this! Not this! This!"

The first paragraph of this article said these tips would result in a long life. Who would be around to enjoy it with if I follow tip #1? If I took this advice and applied it to work, security would be called within an hour and I would be sitting in a padded room by now. The reality of this is that I am usually the one telling others to calm down. Freaking out is not my problem. Thinking too much is what gets me into trouble.

2. Ask yourself, "Is getting serious about this situation really going to improve it?"

So, the answer that has been staring me in the face all this time is to talk to myself in a condescending voice?

3. Focusing on the positives. Repeat these questions until you feel lighter, "What is right about this picture?" "What else is right?" "What else?"

What if the answer Sybil gives me to these questions is "Not a fucking thing?"

4. Consider a complete, major change. Why not go back to school? Why not move to Idaho? Why not retire for a few years or start a new career?

Let me answer those one at a time:

A. School? At this point, my next option would be a doctorate and nobody needs another nut to call Dr.
B. Idaho? While I am sure Idaho has more than the potatoes I buy, I can't see myself remaining sane when surrounded my farm animals.
C. Retire? Unless this article includes a check for the few years I won't be working, that is a useless suggestion. A new career is also off the table. Why the hell would I want to start over when I have paid my dues in this one? Besides, I love my job (you knew that right?)

5. Ask yourself, "When I am on my deathbed, will I be glad I was so serious about _______?"

That's the oldest line in the book. When I am on my deathbed there better be drugs being injected to avoid me thinking about such ridiculous questions. Besides, at that point, my sixth husband, a young twentysomething stud, will be stroking my face while I wither away.

6. A challenging game is much better than no game at all. So consider losing all aspects of the problem. Examples: You feel serious about family problems. You ask yourself, "Well, what if I had no family at all?" You feel serious about your investments. You ask yourself, "What if I had no money to invest?"

That's right, during times that I actually NEED to think, I should be trying to lose all sense of focus. Brilliant!

7. The size of your problem may match the size of your game. So get a bigger game. For example, if you get uptight about paper clips being in the wrong drawer, your game size is tiny. Double your amount of responsibility. Set some huge goals. Succeed by thinking much, much bigger.

Not applicable. If I ever met someone who considered paper clips their biggest problem, I would be in jail. Yes indeed, my problems would become minor because I would then be facing a murder charge for ramming those paper clips down that person's throat.

8. Stop trying to solve the problem that is making you so serious. Certain types of problems solve themselves if you leave them alone. Your problem may be one of those.

In the workplace, I believe this falls into the "failure to to your job" category." If I actually took this advice, I would get fired. Picture this.......Monday morning comes and I sit at my desk arranging my paper clips. When my boss come by, I'll tell him, "I am just waiting for customers to solve their own problems." My paperclips and I would be out the door in about five minutes.

9. Compare what you are doing to other careers. Imagine being a septic tank drainer or an IRS agent.

Don't be hasty with the job titles. Some people would say I am a professional cleaner of shitty situations. Remember the vomit in my previous post?

10. Make everyone around you lighten up. You will soon feel more cheerful.

Alienating the few I people actually like is not part of my plan.

11. Look at bizarre solutions. What is the craziest way you could solve your problem? What solution, if it worked, would make you laugh out loud?

The craziest way I could solve my problem and laugh out loud is illegal. Enough said.

12. Act stupid for a minute. Let down your hair. Stop being so darn important for a while. Be a goof!

This one proves to me that this list should have been called "12 Easy Ways to get Fired."

After reading that list, my suspicions have been confirmed. I am sane and the rest of the world is crazy. I feel better already!

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