It's a Sick World After All

Here are a few of the keywords that bring people to my blog. My thoughts follow:

pink lube (does the color matter?)

psychotic women (you came to the right place)

team building bullshit (yes it is)

preferential treatment to male employees (what's new?)

slip punishment (huh?)

my supervisor backstabs the boss (this surprises who?)

how to react to a pink slip (is there a step by step process out there?)

grow a pair of balls (no thanks)

my coworkers hate me, i havent done anything to anyone (yes you have and everyone in HR knows why)

seashell shaped placemats (not suitable for any home)

boss banging his secretary from behind (Picturing management in my company.....ewwww)

don't work solely on being liked; decide to be respected (wise move)

brothel (lol)

deliberately trying to get co-workers in trouble (the American way)

i am at a loss about my career growth (me too)

sexual harassment goaded (aren't they all)

as i learn to trust the universe, i no longer need to carry a gun (mental hospitals allow Internet access?)

my boss doesn't trust me to do my job (shocking)

cruel & unusual idiots (a blog for most of my coworkers)

sexual pink slip (I don't see a correlation but ok)

a good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.(Upper management mantra)

employee rules for blogging (don't get caught)

manager nepotism (oxymoron)

as i let go of my feelings of guilt, i am in touch with my inner sociopath. (another mental patient)

is it legal for a boss to discuss my potential firing with my co-worker (Legal and sadly expected)

is it bad karma to operate vending machines (Mental patient III)

what does seashells represent? (torture for me)

i honor my personality flaws, for without them, i would have no personality at all. (Teenager with angst)

Check it Out

My name is in lights on Totally Consumed's blog.

Heaven or Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman."Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her."Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came to see her."So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her."I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her, smiled and said - "Yesterday we were recruiting you -- today you're an employee."

You Know You Work in HR When...

You have your HR hat on, even when watching TV.

I was watching Criminal Minds last night. Every time I see Morgan and Garcia flirting, making inappropriate comments, etc., all I can think about is sexual harassment.

It gets worse. There are times when Hotch (the boss) can hear/see it. What happened to his duty to act?

Working Hard or Hardly Working

I realize I am not the only person who has a few bad apples for coworkers. Considering all employees, if that was true, there wouldn't be a need for HR, right?

These days, the one at the top of my list is a completely incompetent, manipulative twit who barely manages to function on a daily basis.

In my experience, incompetent deadbeats who happen to have "HR" in their title are assumed to be highly functioning professionals. Many employees outside of HR believe HR employees are untouchable. At my esteemed place of employment, this is true.

At least for the bad ones...

You can set the tone for minimal expectations and get away with it. Those of us who consistently perform at a high level and continue to take on more responsibility are idiots. If my performance started to dwindle, I have no doubt it would be discussed rather quickly. The term to describe this phenomenon is professional punishment.

Taking it a step further, these employees do more (or less) than fail to perform. They actually make significant mistakes, fail to meet deadlines, and depend so much on their coworkers (me) to do their job, that an expectation has now been set.

Before you start believing I am a sucker who can't say no, keep reading.

This started because my coworker was new. One of those new people who most of my other coworkers realized wasn't suited for this job. After a couple of years, she hasn't grown into her position. Here is a general breakdown of her ineptitude:

• Recruiting: She struggles to manage her recruitments and often whines to our supervisor about her workload (which is minimal) until she gets help. She is not beyond crying to get her way.


• Compensation: She frequently plagiarizes the work of others. While I am not a fan of reinventing the wheel, well .......... you get the point.


• Employee Relations: She often makes a situation worse because she doesn't like ER. Doesn't like it? I didn't realize we were paid to only do the things we like but what do I know?


• Committees: Unless you considering being a note taker extraordinaire a skill, she doesn't contribute.


• Meetings with her customers: She cannot go alone. When I am asked to go, I used to help her, tried to let her lead the meeting, but not anymore. Really, I don't sabotage her but everyone's time is valuable and it is embarrassing to watch. When she freezes up (about 60 seconds into the meeting), I deal with the issues. She doesn't seem to care about appearing to be my note taking assistant when dealing with HER customers.


• EEO/AA: "I don't like to get involved in things that could get me sued." Direct quote. Wrong job field don't you think?


• Special Projects: What year would you like it completed in? Can you provide her with step by step instructions? Does it include the ability to perform any type of analysis? Do you mind waiting until Hell freezes over?


• Communication: If she doesn't like an employee or manager, she either gets snippy with them or avoids them like the plague. If a problem arises (obviously it does), she cries. Cries about how mean or unreasonable they are. The result? A big meeting with our boss and management in the department the mean employee/manager works in. The result of these meetings? The official answer is process improvement and a commitment to improve communication (hug hug, kiss kiss). The reality? The department loses a little more respect for HR as a group. This happens in cycles, then things calm down for a while until the next problem.

At this point, the department calls me when they need something because I am not a whining, incompetent, passive-aggressive little girl who hides behind her supervisor.

I cannot stop helping other departments entirely because they are customers. They have needs and THAT is my job. My coworker makes all of us look bad. It is not easy to accept when I work very hard to be approachable, strategic, and work in partnership with my departments.

I have addressed this with my supervisor numerous times. She doesn't follow through. Our HR Manager (Mr. Shit4Brains) knows about this but chooses not to deal with it.

Employees have been telling me for years that accountability decreases as you move up the corporate ladder. For some people (like the HR management team at my company), this is true.

Anyone else care to share their HR coworker horror stories?

Secrets

The latest topic in a few HR blogs is whether to blog anonymously or with your name right out there. Of course I am anonymous because the content of my blog would get me fired or at least destroy any hope I have of ruling the HR world.

Anyway, here are a few things I do in my efforts to stay under the radar:

I wear a pair of pantyhose over my head when I blog to avoid being recognized. Do you believe that? I worry about you if you do. You might be as stupid as some of my coworkers if you were buying it.

I don't use my name. Believe it or not, people don't really call me Ms. Pink Slip. I may be called names other than my own but I can't speculate.

I don't mention my location. For all anyone knows, I could be blogging from a bunker in Montana. I actually use AOL when reading other blogs because AOL's browser shows AOL's server location, not mine. I realize this may be a little paranoid but I didn't bust my ass in graduate school to screw it up online. I laugh at such employees while handling their dismissals.

I change little details in my stories. The seashells weren't really seashells but the rest is fairly accurate. The general idea is accurate and that is what matters. I have asked a couple of my coworkers who read my blog if I captured the essence of the moment and they agreed.

I don't discuss my personal life. No one cares and I don't feel comfortable blogging about my friends and family. They also have enough stories to be the source of another ranting blog but I have to draw the line somewhere.

No one would believe I would blog about my job. While I am not a certifiable Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, I definitely have a work persona. At work, I am patient, professional, and competent. While people with those traits can and do blog, it's the lunatics who make it obvious who get in hot water. Nude photos, stories about the CEO, etc. I don't go that far. Well, unless someone wants a nude photo. A photo of me with the CEO? Nude? Anyone? I didn't think so.

I approve comments before they are published. My worst nightmare would be to log on and see, "Hey (insert my name), wait until the CEO at (insert company) sees this. " I realize the chances of this are equal to me getting struck by lightning but I have that kind of luck.

So, if I get struck by lightning and someone meaningful (i.e., possesses the ability to fire me or generally make my life a living hell) realizes this blog is mine, what will I do?

Nothing.

As any solid HR professional knows, without proof you can't do anything. Come to think of it, even with proof employees don't get fired. Blackmail? That's where the nude photos come in.

1943 Guide to Hiring Women

I have had this for a quite a few years but I am interested in thoughts from my readers. Could you imagine if this was still allowed today? I have found some of the stereotypes to be true in the workplace today but that is another story.

The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the workforce during World War II.

Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5. Stress at the outset the importance of time; the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.

Potluck or Shit out of Luck?

I hate potlucks. They actually stress me out.

I don't like most of my coworkers so breaking bread with them is not at the top of my list.

But, that's not the main issue.

Over time, a person (actually me) tends to notice who doesn't wash their hands in the bathroom. These "types" tend to pick their noses, scrape their teeth with their fingers, or other equally disgusting behaviors that clearly explain the germ factor in the workplace.

On a side note, I have been shocked a few times when the identity of these people has come to pass. With obvious exceptions, the coworkers I have who appear to shower and iron their clothes......the worst.

I digress.....

So, when such a person shows up at another company potluck luncheon with dip, cookies, or salad which they proudly proclaim as made with their own two hands, I tend to shudder.

Is it just me?

I go for the lunch meat or hot dishes. Yeah, I realize the horror stories of Listeria and am also quite versed in how hair and other items get introduced to hot dishes but what else can I do?

Picture this......I walk into a potluck with my own brown bag lunch, complete with a set a disposable silverware. I wish I had the guts.

All I want is for my coworkers to be hygienic. Unfortunately, there is no easy way say, "You're a pig and I can't imagine where your fingers were before they went into that salad."

It's not "politically correct."

Who is really the rude one? Me for expecting clean food or them for their failure to wash their hands after using the bathroom.

Inevitably I am one of those coworkers who appears to be a picky eater or one who doesn't like to eat a lot in front of others.

So, next time you are at one of those potlucks and hear someone asking, "Who made that?" don't assume they want the recipe or want to compliment you. I use that line to determine whether I am willing to take a chance on the food.

Don't even get me started on double-dippers.

Best "Out of Office" Automatic e-mail Replies

Someone sent me these a while ago. I laughed out loud while reading most of them. I hope you enjoy:

• I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.


• You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.


• Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.


• I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.


• Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.


• The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)


• Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.


• Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.


• I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.


• I am currently away from my desk, beating my head against the wall. Your message will be replied to once I have reached a level of numbness sufficient to cloud my vision to the point I am able to formulate an appropriate response to your request.


• I've run away to join a different circus.


• I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Bob.'

My personal favorites are the ones about management and the circus.