Is Three a Magic Number?

Is it true that good (and bad) things happen in threes? The results of a previous post, My Chess Board, have finally come to fruition. As I mentioned in that entry, a coworker reaped a few of her own benefits.

Now, just as the news I was waiting for finally came through, another coworker is seeing a potential opportunity that came out of nowhere.

While I have learned to expect the unexpected (lesson from Big Brother), is it really true that things happen in threes? What do you think?

While you are pondering this concept, feel free to enjoy a little flashback from Schoolhouse Rock.

Is It Just Me?

Am I the only person who has coworkers who don't work?

I actually have coworkers who don't show up for work or are known to disappear for hours at a time. They leave the lights on in their office to create an appearance of being there. They complain about being so busy yet never do their jobs.

Aren't these the people who are supposed to be fired?

I wish I had the guts to put posters around the office like this......

MISSING! BIG REWARD!

DOB: 29 again
Missing: All the time
Sex: With everyone
Hair: Bad dye job
Eyes: Never open
Missing From: Work
Last Seen: Payday

The reward doesn't need to be money. I would settle for watching these slackers being escorted out of the building.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

If anyone ever takes up a collection for me, it should be for a gag.

While I can bullshit with the best of them, I also have a tendency to speak too much of the truth when tired, aggravated, or generally pissed off. Of course, this isn't a good thing most of the time.

Case in point was today. A coworker was talking about something that annoyed me. My reaction should have been "Who cares?"

That would have been too easy.

Instead, I shot off a sarcastic comment about a third party that, while evasive, was fairly cutting.

Not only do I feel like a complete ass, I also gave her something to think about with the comment.

So much for my cunning strategy.

My Chess board

I know this is totally evasive and somewhat narcissistic, but let me have my moment.

Work is a chess game requiring a lot of strategy.

I finally put mine into high gear and thankfully it is paying off.

Isn't it funny how things have a way of coming together when you least expect it yet in such a way as to benefit you the most?

It feels good to be the Queen. I am also sharing this honor with a coworker. She wasn't expecting it either yet it all came together.

Checkmate

Supervisory Incompetence

How do bad supervisors keep their jobs? When you mention a bad supervisor, people tend to think of those who scream, the tyrants.

What I am referring to is the majority of supervisors today. These are the supervisors who collect a bigger paycheck, have a title, and do little else. Here is a list of characteristics these so-called supervisors share:

• Appear sympathetic to concerns yet don't act on them.
  
• Love to throw their title around.
  
• Act like they are everyone's boss.
  
• Tend to shut the door to their office to have long personal phone conversations.
  
• Wait for opportunities to screw employees over in the name of "supervisory responsibility."
  
  Round them all up and fire them all! Of course this won't happen but let me dream.
  
  On a side note, people who talk on their cell phones while driving deserve to be shot. Have a nice day!

Tagged

I promise I will have a new post soon, but in the meantime, I was tagged by Middle Manager so here goes:

Three people who make me laugh:

Kenny
My coworker/partner in crime who reads this blog
Any woman with huge fake boobs

Three things I can do:

Bullshit just about anyone
Detect bullshit
Function on minimal sleep

Three things I can’t do:

Fly the space shuttle
Drive a car with a manual transmission
Kiss ass

Three things I’m doing right now:

Watching tv
Trying to kill a fly
Breathing

Three things I want to do before I die:

Travel all over the world
Skydive
Win the lottery

Three things I hate the most:

Liars
Mushrooms
Diet soda

Three things that scare me:

Spiders
Losing my family
Big Brother not being renewed one of these years


Three things I don’t understand:

Child abuse
Animal abuse
Why I am not rich

Three skills I’d like to learn:

How to play craps
How to forgive (just kidding)
How to drive a manual transmission

Three ways to describe my personality:

Determined
Humorous
Vengeful

Three things I think you should listen to:

Me
Myself
I

Things you should never listen to:

The majority of my coworkers
The majority of my family
Religious fanatics

Three favorite foods:

Pizza
Hamburgers
Cookies

Three beverages I drink regularly:

Soda
Juice
Water

Three shows I watched as a kid:

Different strokes
The Brady Bunch
Name that Tune

Loyalty?

Whatever happened to loyalty and real teamwork? People throw around "teamwork" but few actually demonstrate it.

We had a little scenario at work that illustrates my point exactly. A member of our group was attacked by an outside department. Big shocker? No but what pissed me off was that this complaint was given to another member of the group who basically sold her coworker out. Oh well, it it's not about her, why bother defending another coworker. I only have on word to describe my feelings on this. BITCH!

While it was not me that was stabbed in the back, I am impacted because this tells me a lot about trust. Sadly, this stupid bitch doesn't even realize there is something wrong with this. She will find out and it won't be pretty. Coworkers have a way of making like bearable or miserable.

I wish these situations didn't happen. At the same time, I do enjoy watching vengence at it's best. Batter up!

Nasty Information

This is completely off topic for me but I was so shocked I had to mention it. A friend and I were talking about the nastiest things we have found on the Internet. I am not talking about porn or beastiality here. These are things that are meant to be informative but are really more information that anyone needs to know.

Case in point, the Bristol Stool Scale. Who knew there are seven types of poop? Of course I couldn't mention this and not include the scale.

Nurses really don't earn enough money if they are expected to use the scale on their patients.

After this topic, anyone who reads my blog will be begging me to talk about my crazy workplace.

Big Brother No Stars

I am a Big Brother addict. This season is an all star cast so it has been enjoyable. I was watching it the other night and realized there are employees at my company who could be on this show. Of course it would need to be called "Big Brother No Stars" but it would still be amusing.

The whole idea of plotting against people you are stuck with makes it comparable to work. We don't get to choose our coworkers, right?

Here is my list of how work is like Big Brother:

• Alliances. Choosing a good one is the difference between winning at Big Brother and work. If you don't think there are alliances at work, you must be self-employed. This is the difficulty when starting a new job...figuring out who is aligned with who. While I wish they weren't necessary, I do have a few alliances. These are people I know I can depend on to brainstorm with. They know who they are and a couple read my blog.
  
• Crappy food. The food options at my company are horrible. Basically vending machines full of fat and calories. There is a direct correlation between my job and the size of my ass. On Big Brother, some of the houseguests have to eat slop. Slop is what we have for our biannual department meetings.
  
• Manipulative women. I used to believe women got a bad rap for being manipulative. Then I started working. Women are the worst people to work with. They are petty, underhanded, catty, and downright nasty at times. I should have chosen a male-dominated profession. Big Brother is full of manipulation but at least you can win $500,000 for your trouble. If I could make that kind of money for three months of work, I would jump at it.
  
• Surprises. The motto of Big Brother is "Expect the Unexpected." This should be the screensaver of every computer in Corporate America. Just when you think you know what is coming, something (or someone) knocks you on your ass.
• Sleeping arrangements. On Big Brother, the contestants sleep in the same room and often, the same bed. Offices are becoming rare these days so welcome to the maze called cubeland.
• Competition. Teamwork is a misnomer. While you can work with a team and be a productive member of it, everything IS a competition of sorts. If you don't realize work is a chessboard you are constantly moving on, you will find yourself knocked off before you can say "Checkmate."
  

In closing, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Also, if you drive in the fast lane and are passed by more than one car, I hope your transmission falls out.

Resurrected

Sorry for my absence. Contrary to popular belief (my email), I did not die.

Getting away (briefly) from my horrible yet amusing work stories, I saw an interesting thing today. Now it may not be interesting to anyone else, but it did impact my day.

I was getting a pedicure (exciting huh?). This was a family-run place that hasn't been open very long. I was sitting there when one of the women came over near me. A man who worked there turned around, looked at her, and winked.

I know it sounds strange, but there are ways of winking at someone that can be very different. This time, I could tell it was genuine and said a lot of things.

Watching people is a pastime of mine and I am always amazed at how much people communicate without speaking.

His wink was acknowledgement, reassurance, and love, all wrapped together. Do I know that? No, but it was obvious.

There a times in life you don't forget. For some reason, I won't forget seeing that.

Sometimes it's that simple.

See what happens when I try to relax?

Grow a Pair

Why is it that those who whine seem to prosper? At my company, there is an odd phenomena that gives a neverending audience to whiners.

These are the people who find things (or people) to complain about. They manage to convince someone that they are the wronged party.

Why is this tolerated from some but not others? It is usually the boy who cried wolf who gets away with it.

I have a radar for manipulative people. Yes indeed, I can spot them from a mile away.

My theory is that these people either have great blackmail material or have simply programmed management to expect this kind of behavior from them.

Is either acceptable? The result of this tolerance is pissed off employees.

If you haven't guessed, I am one of those pissed off employees.

I don't want to drone on like a professor in a philosophy class, but what has happened to accountability? Why do we spend our lives being told we need to grow into responsible adults only to find a job and be surrounded by pseudo-adults who act like toddlers?

I am tired of it. I am tired of stereotyping that creates an expectation of unequal behavior....some are accountable, some just show up. While this is going on, both are paid the same. While I support equal pay for equal work, the incessant whining of some means very little work is being done.

Some may say a pay for performance system would fix this problem, but like any problem, there has to be acknowledgement that a problem exists. This is missing in my company.

Let's just say an employee was motivated to speak out (bitch, rant and rave, etc.) about the tolerance of this behavior. The result would be that management has an open door policy so hearing the concerns of employees comes with the territory. Furthermore, the employee who couldn't take it anymore would be seen as a troublemaker. Why would anyone stick their neck out for that?

It is obvious this would be the reaction because management is aware that they pick and choose the idiotic rantings they entertain. How do I know this? Because it continues.

In meetings to discuss these "concerns" raised by whiners, management looks slightly embarrassed to be discussing these issues. While I don't care how much time management spends listening to his crap, I do care when I have to spend my time sitting in meetings as a result of it.

Generally, I am not a specific target of whiners. I believe it is because I make it pretty clear that I will deal with it. I bite when provoked....hard! Regardless, there are times I am impacted simply because I work there. Policies are changed, allegiances are formed, and a hostile work environment ensues.

My response? Grow a pair and tell the whiners to shut up and do their real jobs. Of course this response is only shared with coworkers or my inner self. I actually have shared my response to management but of course I can't name names. I speak in broad terms related to organizational issues and they nod their heads like it all makes sense. Of course it does. Why don't you try executing it?

I'd settle for executing these types of employees but that doesn't fall into my job duties.

The problem with balls is that management tends to use them at the wrong time. Maybe I should become a consultant and offer a management class entitled "How to Use Your Balls Effectively."

Brothel or Business?

There are a few women at my company who dress like whores. While the appropriateness of sexy clothing in the workplace could be debated until the end of time, this is something entirely different.

What I am referring to is women, in upper management, who must have afterhours jobs in a brothel. I would love to have an excuse to take pictures of these women to demonstrate my point but, as I have said before, I am not looking to get fired.

Picture this....

40 something women in mini-skirts who have difficulty walking because their skirts are so tight.

If they could bend over, a porno could be filmed immediately.

In some cases, add to this picture a bad boob job, 80's hair, and too much make-up.

Not pretty is it?

I need a vacation.

Translations

I am tired and can't think of a good topic so here is a list of the qualities companies are looking for, what applicants list as skills, and what all of it really means.

Apply in Person: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

Career-Minded: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Casual Work Atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Duties will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

I am Adaptable: I've changed jobs a lot.

I am On the Go: I'm never at my desk.

I Take Pride in my Work: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'm Extremely Adept at all Manner of Office Organization: I've used Microsoft Office.

I'm Extremely Professional: I carry a Day-Timer.

I'm Honest, Hard-Working and Dependable: I pilfer office supplies.

I'm Personable: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

Join our Fast-Paced Company: We have no time to train you.

Must be Deadline Oriented: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Must have an Eye for Detail: We have no quality control.

My Pertinent Work Experience Includes: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

No Phone Calls Please: We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Problem-Solving Skills a Must: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Requires Team Leadership Skills: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Rude

Lately I have been encountering extremely rude people. Did I miss the mass mailing for classes on this behavior? What happened to treating others as you want to be treated? Apparently that went out with VCRs.

The first example of this is holding doors open. I hold doors open for people. Lately, I am getting no response for my effort. Although I do not dress like a doorman, I am apparently confused for one.

Women are the worst at this. I would like to yank their ponytail out of their head while pulling them back out the door. I have said, "You're welcome" yet I have never gotten a response. I would like one of them to say something in response to me calling them on their rude behavior but so far I have been deprived of the confrontation.

One can only hope.

The next is my road rage. I have been diagnosed as suffering/perpetuating road rage by nearly every person who has ridden in my car. Like many other fine drivers, I have been driven to this illness by idiots on the road.

Perfect example was today. I was driving along when I realized there was a broken down bus in my lane. Would someone let me merge into next lane? Oh no. Would these idiots prefer to be in my lane? It's not like I am asking them to slam on their brakes to let me in.

I am not one of these people who drives in a lane I know has an accident, obstruction, or bus just to pass everyone. Shit happens people so why not be part of the solution versus being an asshole? All that gets you is my horn and a psychotic look when I catch up to you.

This behavior tends to scare my passengers so have a heart.

Psychotic Women

What is the problem with women? Being one, it may sound odd for me to criticize other women but they tend to get on my nerves.

There is one woman in particular in upper management at my company who runs around like a chicken with her head cut off whenever she gets stressed.

Silly me thought effective managers realize they need to trust employees they delegate projects to. Instead, this woman runs around questioning everything and expects to hear all the details of projects she wasn't involved in on a daily basis. Instead of solving problems, all this does is create chaos.

It also pisses people off.

When I see this woman act like this, two thoughts come to mind. First, any shred of respect I had for her disappears immediately. Second, I'd like to smack her....hard.

Horribly inappropriate (and potentially illegal) comment ahead....

If menopausal hags can't keep it together, they should retire.

The Bitch is Back

While that is the title of an Elton John song, I am referring to a woman in my office. She was working in another department for almost a year but she is back.

It was like a honeymoon when she was gone. The stress level in the office was less... I could actually feel it. So now she is back and so it the palpable stress in the office.

Here is her general MO:

• This is a woman who loves to boss everyone around. It is not unusual to have to tell others what she thinks they should be doing.
  
• She thinks she knows how to do the job of everyone in my department and isn't afraid to say so. She repeatedly questions how people do their job and chimes in frequently about things she doesn't know jack about.
  
• She doesn't supervise any of the employees mentioned above.
  
• She is prone to emotional outbursts of "Nobody appreciates me."
  
• She is known throughout the company as a nasty shrew so the chances of her leaving are slim to none.
  
• Personal hygiene is NOT on the top of her list.
  
• Upper management knows her MO yet does nothing about it. Somebody please tell me why.

I have found myself humming "The Bitch is Back" when she walks by. I will probably end up in sensitivity training. At least she can do my job while I am gone.

Bad Karma?

Driving home yesterday, I pulled a Fabio with my car.

Yes, I have committed the ultimate sin of murder.

I was driving down a two lane road. Two birds were sitting in the other lane. When the car in the other lane approached them, they flew into my lane and BAM!

I didn't see anything in my mirror but of course it sounded like one of them probably got propelled to the next city.

Thankfully I didn't have any bird remnants on my car. I still felt bad.

At least it over quickly. And the bird's friend had quite a story to tell.

I wonder if they have post-traumatic syndrome counseling for the bird community. Something to help survivors cope.

I am going to hell.

Confession Time

What makes you decide what blogs to read?

The blogs I read tend to have something in common. Not the topic, but that the authors are good writers. If you look at the blogs I have listed, most of them are about very different things. Most of them are interesting writers who make me laugh or tell a story in such a way that I want to go back to see how things are progressing.

I have noticed many people tend to have links to other blogs that share themes with them while others (like me) have links to many different things.

Along those lines, what makes someone add a link to their page? I add what I read. It makes it easier for me to get to the blogs and hopefully encourages others to read them since I think they are worth reading.

I have been wondering if some people add links to their blog out of pity or mutual respect (I linked you, so you link me). I don't have that expectation but would like to know if others do.

Ever see a blog with tons of comments and wonder why people think it's so great? There is one in particular that is very popular that is ok, but I don't see the cult-following allure others see.

Confess!

"We're Gonna Make Our Dreams Come True"

Would you be willing to give up the credibility and respect you may have to carry someone else?

This is a reality in many situations at work, but one pair in particular stands out.

This pair is two men who are as thick as thieves. Mutt and Jeff. Laurel and Hardy. Abbott and Costello. Barnum & Bailey. Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid.

The reality....if they were women they would resemble Laverne & Shirley. Totally inept and goofy.

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight! Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!"

In thinking about it, they actually physically resemble Lenny and Squiggy.

"On Your Mark, Get Set and Go Now"

Back to my story.

This pair has many things in common. Both are womanizers. Both are professional ass kissers. Both are all talk, no action. They are a joke in the company.

One has risen through the ranks much quicker than the other but the top guy can always be counted on to carry the lower up with him. WHY? Why would top guy destroy his reputation to carry the little guy? Especially one not worthy of such an effort.

Why do I watch Nick at Nite?

Pickles

There is a guy at my company who a few of us refer to as "Pickles." He is the stereotypical lazy, ineffective employee. Pickles was given a job many years ago because he had connections to a manager. Nepotism.

He is overpaid and completely incapable of doing the job he is paid to do. Sadly, most of the company knows of him and his lack of abilities.

I was on a committee with him for a couple of years so I got to see his general ineffectiveness up close. Among of his most annoying habits is his love for Dale Carnegie. He was always quoting Dale Carnegie.

Need I say more?

If you are not familiar with Dale Carnegie, his most famous book was "How to Win Friends and Influence People." Years ago, it was common for companies to send their employees to the Dale Carnegie Course.

No matter what we were discussing during the course of the committee, Pickles found a way to throw in Dale Carnegie. "Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are."

Yeah, we get it, old Dale turns you on.

Pickles other annoying habit was continually changing his job title. The project we were working on was quite complex, so there were times we had people from outside the company attend our meetings. It never failed, Pickles changed his title and what his role was at the company. It became a running joke. What will Pickles be today?

What has become of Pickles? Nothing. He is still there, still ineffective, still overpaid. I think he realizes how incapable he is but does not realize everyone else knows, too.