Thursday, January 26, 2006

Ways to Piss HR Off

These things happen on a daily basis so for those who care about screwing up their relationship with HR, listen up. We have memories longer than elephants.

  • Hire a new employee, see problems, then keep them beyond their probationary period. When you can't take it anymore, call HR and tell us you want to fire them. Then blame us when you can't fire them on the spot because they are off probation. For good measure, rant and rave about right to work states, blah blah. Try this moron, look in the mirror and blame the person who is responsible -- YOU!
  • Get your ass reamed out by your boss then call us up to tell us how unfair it is. Keep in mind, are we the only people who remember how much you ream YOUR employees on a daily basis? Karma is a bitch honey.
  • Call and tell us how much that vacancy you have is ruining your operations. Keep it up with all that talk about how HR is not moving fast enough to recruit new people. Toss a little salt in the wound by telling us how this never happened at your previous company. Yep. Sure.
  • Bitch and moan about how crappy your salary is. Tell me how you could make so much more somewhere else. Speaking of this line of crap, do people realize how ridiculous this sounds? If someone else would pay me more and salary was my main concern, wouldn't I be an idiot to stay? Sound truly managerial and tell me how you aren't concerned for yourself, it's your staff. Sure. No chance in hell that raising their salary bumps you up? Newsflash for you.....ever heard that saying, "Employees don't leave jobs, they leave supervisors?" COMPLETELY TRUE. Doubt it? One look at exit interviews will reveal all.
  • Call us and ask a question about "an employee." It's always, "an employee" when it's the manager. This is especially true when it is something embarrassing. So, when you call to ask what the discipline could be for having sex with a subordinate, we know it's you. Most of your employees have already given us a heads up on that........many days ago. HR is the workplace equivalent to the confessional in church. There are days I know I am going to hear, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
  • Blame HR for everything you don't want to take responsibility for. "I don't want to do this, but HR says I have to." "You know I would give you more money, but HR says I can't." We know all that. How? Employees tell us. Here is how it blames HR, employee calls HR, HR gently and professionally explains the decision-making process to the employee, employee realizes they were screwed by their manager. Management never realizes HR's ace in the hole on this one. Employees know HR is neutral. We have nothing to gain by holding them back. Any power games are within their departments. Also, one of the prerequisites to working in HR is to be a professional bullshit artist. Next to lawyers, we can talk our way around anything. Do I lie? No, but I could sell snow to an Eskimo.

There are quite a few more examples of the crap managers pull but I think that will suffice.

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