Joke

What do you call a group of executives with no labor experience sitting around a table with union reps creating a bargaining agreement?

The idiots management at my company.

Don't Shoot the Messenger

If you work in HR, I find it hard to believe you wouldn't relate to this one. If you don't AND you are a manager, this is about you!

Imagine this scenario....

As an HR professional, you give advice to managers related to documenting performance issues, discipline, performance appraisals, little things called "laws"etc. Seems fairly straightforward right?

If it were that easy, I'd either be a millionaire or extremely bored at work.

Here's the problem (listen up managers), you DO NOT LISTEN. Then you get sick of your lack of really dealing with the issue and blame HR and/or your legal department for "standing in the way" of managing your problem employees when you decide to fire your "problem you did not manage."

Of course we aren't really allowed to tell you that your lack management skills led to this problem. Such statements (also known as "the truth") wouldn't represent an air of partnership and cooperation.

Which leads me to today's lesson...Accountability is for the other guy.

Sound familiar?

If it doesn't and you work in HR, I want your job.

If it does, welcome to the world of "The Truth of HR."

Yep, all the information you may have read about a career in HR was a ruse to entice you.

Often (daily), HR is the proverbial fall guy, the monkey wrench, the fly in the ointment, and much worse. Feel free to share how you have heard HR being described. It's not pretty.

I realize my role is advisory. I sell my point of view. I do not take it personally when management doesn't listen. While I don't want to sell myself short, most of it is common sense. My experience strengthens my position but in the end, it's a matter of calculated risk whether to heed the almighty (me).

All that being said, "I" am not the problem. If you don't want to listen, at least admit you are ignoring it. As much as I enjoy a healthy debate, you can't successfully debate good practices when yours stink.

I know you don't like the FMLA but the Department of Labor didn't ask for volunteers. Budget woes and you don't want to pay overtime in the week the hours were worked? Yep, clearly I have a creative, legal solution I have been hiding from you. No documentation and you want to fire a disabled employee? I'm sure no one will notice.

Of course I will get the job of working with legal on the response letter to the EEOC but as long as you get rid of your problem, it's a great day.

The real purpose of HR is to be a neutral touchstone. Today I got stoned and it wasn't in a enjoyable, illegal way.

Mandated Schedules

My company recently mandated a 4/10 schedule. Sound good? It's not.

• It becomes much easier to jeopardize the exempt status of salaried employees.


• Exempt employees generally work less hours in a week. I used to put in 45-50 on most weeks and a lot more when necessary. Now? 40


• Decreased productivity. Assuming an employee works the same 40 hours they used to, are those hours as productive as a 5/8 schedule? Isn't productive time really the point of "working?"


• Employees don't like their coworkers enough to spend 10+ hours a day together.


• Instead of a "flexible schedule" being a perk, a mandated schedule easily becomes an expectation. It cannot be called "flexible" or "alternative" when it doesn't come with a choice.
  
• Negative turnover results when employees cannot manage all of their responsibilities with a mandated 4/10 schedule. Is it worth losing them?


• Goodbye work/life balance.


• Goodbye single parents, parents of young children, and older workers.


• Hello burnout, bitterness, bitchiness.

Management's attitude ....."Be thankful you have a job."

If only it were that simple.

The Innocence of HR...from HR.Com

Contagious Mismanagement

For quite some time, I have complained about my HR Manager, Mr. Shit4Brains. While I realize poor managers tend to attract and develop more bad managers, I am a bit surprised this happened in HR.

While I am not surprised about who can only be described as the worst HR Manager in the history of any HR department, I am surprised about his subordinates (my direct supervisor and her peers).

These people have been at my company long enough to remember how it was before Mr. Shit4Brains took the wheel of our proverbial Titanic. These are the same people who appear to share the department-wide frustration with his lack of knowledge, micromanagement, and embarrassing decisions.

Is this playing both sides or have they officially joined the dark side? Were they worn down, do they want to make their staff feel as micromanaged as they do, or do they enjoy the pseudo power they feel keeping us down?

S4B has always been an ass but these people thrived back in the days when we had autonomy and growth opportunities. Now they rarely delegate anything meaningful and usually steal credit for anything worth talking about.

Those of us in HR see this all the time but I cannot believe it could happen among my coworkers. HR professionals know how this ends. It's our job to deal with departments that have these types of problems. While everyone in HR should know better, these people DO know better. I don't get it.

I spend my morning commute hoping a bag of money falls off an armored truck. Seriously, like so many others, I am just waiting to get out.

Anniversary Banquet

Recently, I had the displeasure of attending an "Anniversary Banquet" to celebrate my astounding ten years of "service" to my company. I haven't dreaded anything more since the pain of childbirth.

To say it was a horrific experience would be an understatement.

I don't know what was worse, having to smile while Mr. Shit4Brains stood next to me for the obligatory picture or watching my fellow employees kiss ass to upper management.

On a side note, do you remember that song by Beck, "Loser?" It has become Mr. Shit4Brains mantra. Well, it's his mantra for me. "I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me." Yep, that says it all for him.

So, I listened to my fellow employees drone on about how time flies, how fabulous the food was (it wasn't), and how nice it was to spend time together away from work. Excuse me, this wasn't away from work. In fact, it was worse than work. At least at work, I can WORK. All I could do there was sit and pray for time to miraculously pass... quickly.

Although this banquet was not mandatory, it certainly would have been career suicide inappropriate to miss it. True recognition of my time served service would have been to give me a day off.

Ban the BCC

I have a few issues with emails using the dreaded Blind (or Blank) Carbon (or Courtesy) Copy. First of all, it's not blind to everyone. Only the recipient is in the dark.

If you are bcc'ed, you know it. What am I supposed to think when I get bcc'ed? Was I placed in the bcc to protect my identity? To hide the fact that I got the email? Call me cynical but I believe most bccs are used to hide the fact that I got the email.

Doesn't that seem a little silly at work? I understand bcc for large groups of people who may not know each other. Protecting their privacy is obvious for those times.

Funny thing is I don't usually see this in my personal email accounts. I can get a joke, funny story, or obligatory cute picture of a friend's baby and see my name jumbled in with their family and everyone else they know. I do get annoyed when I get fifty emails resulting from Aunt Helen in Idaho hitting, "reply to all" to comment on the number of teeth the baby was showing in the picture.

Anyway, at work, the bcc is usually used for devious reasons. In my experience, it is used to share the responsibility yet deny credit. Have I mentioned how much I loathe my own gender as coworkers?

If you haven't figured it out already, allowing your insecurities into the workplace won't gain you high marks with me.

The Future

With the current economy, the focus is on keeping a job. For those who lost theirs, they are looking. For those who have one, keeping it is the priority. Although both are important, there is an interesting change in many workplaces I believe will change the future significantly.

For those who keep their jobs, the way they were treated during these times will shape their futures. While many employers have been good to their employees and will continue to be, many are not.

These are the employers who believe the power has shifted. The long-looming labor shortage all of us in HR waited for has been temporarily interrupted by the economy. The shortage will be there but this isn't what we planned for.

Of course, in the grand tradition of taking advantage, many companies have turned 180 degrees to treating their best like children who are just waiting to misbehave. The autonomy earned has been reined in. The flexibility to have work/life balance? Poof, it's gone.

Right now, this can be overlooked because it is not the priority. At the same time, it will cause a different type of crisis when the economy improves. These employees will be the first to jump ship. While these employees are relieved to have jobs now, they will not forget the way they were treated.

Those of us who work with employees are aware of how far being treated with respect gets you and how easily it is destroyed. True commitment from employees is a one time deal. Once destroyed, companies never get it back. Employees may stay but they will not give their best.

If this was not true, many of us would not have jobs. I make a substantial part of my living off of poor management decisions. Right now, they are compounding.

During turbulent times, employee relations issues usually soar. Employees are afraid of the appearance of making waves. Others believe their issues will be seen as petty when they watched their coworkers get laid off. What management doesn't realize (or doesn't care) is that these issues are still there. The remaining employees are not engaged or productive.

This doesn't mean the wrong employees were laid off. This means you can't lay off coworkers and tell the survivors they are damn lucky to still be on the island. The survivors are now overworked, under appreciated, and uncertain about how long they will keep their jobs.

If you are a manager who tells your employees they should be thankful to have a job, don't expect them to thank you. In fact, don't expect them to still be your employees when things turn around.

Dear HR Abby

This won't win me any friends but I have to say it. While I have been in a blogging slump lately, I think part of the reason is because I don't enjoy reading a lot of HR blogs anymore.

I realize all of my readers, many who are HR bloggers, are sitting on the edge of their seats for this, so here goes.

REASONS (Many) HR BLOGS SUCK

• So many blogs exist simply to answer questions from "readers." While I realize many of these are genuine questions, I seriously doubt a lot of them are real. It's in the details. If you want to show off your so-called HR knowledge, just blog about the topic. I don't need a fake question. It's also pathetic to watch the blogger bash their reader who asked the question. Do you feel better now? Think you improved the long-held feeling that HR pros are naggy, high and mighty, know-it-all bitches? I guess many HR professionals believe there are stupid questions. If the question is that ridiculous, why waste your time answering it?


• A lot of blogs (especially newer ones) are lame attempts to rip-off older, and many times, good blogs. Typically, these are the ones which answer questions, give "characters" fake names, and blog about topics seen on another blog two weeks ago. Not only do these blogs suck because their bloggers are thieves, but also because it's clear they are not being themselves. If you can't maintain your own style, stick to reading and commenting.


• Networking blogs. While I realize there are blogs that truly do network, many are lame attempts to feed egos or find a partner in crime. If I was going to attempt to network for best practices or to find a job, I'd be pretty embarrass to present myself the way many of these bloggers do. Sometimes it's better to remain anonymous.

Labor=$$$

Those that read my blog realize I spend very little time discussing HR. I was better at making the HR connection when I started my blog but I have strayed off the path over time. Regardless, while ridiculous management and annoying coworkers tend to be my topics, I am going to jump back on the HR boat for a bit.

I realize everyone is tired of talking about "Card Check" but it's labor legislation that will set me free. I realized this a few years ago and got certified but the opportunity hasn't presented itself yet. ER and mediation are my fortes so labor won't be a stretch for me.

Regardless of what side of labor you represent, the main premise is the same. Both sides are greedy mongers who want to get everything and screw the other side in the process. I actually believe unions are a death sentence for both sides but that doesn't mean I won't make a living off of it. The voice of reason who seizes opportunities to create harmony and kicks off each bargaining session with a little Kumbaya is valuable. That value translates to money for me.

I have officially joined the dark side.

Petty Petty

Everyone has them ... petty coworkers. I don't why I have so many but they are everywhere.

Who is working on that project? Who has a closer parking space? Who is going to training?

These are the topics some of my coworkers can discuss for years. Every time I hear about these rampant discussions I am always surprised. The words "adult" and "professional" don't go hand in hand with petty, passive-aggressive discussions.

Inevitably, people pick a side and run with it. Of course on the few occasions they are called on their pettiness, they act sincere and innocent. They always get away with it which is why this behavior continues.

I thought high school ended at graduation.