Translations

I am tired and can't think of a good topic so here is a list of the qualities companies are looking for, what applicants list as skills, and what all of it really means.

Apply in Person: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

Career-Minded: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Casual Work Atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Duties will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

I am Adaptable: I've changed jobs a lot.

I am On the Go: I'm never at my desk.

I Take Pride in my Work: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'm Extremely Adept at all Manner of Office Organization: I've used Microsoft Office.

I'm Extremely Professional: I carry a Day-Timer.

I'm Honest, Hard-Working and Dependable: I pilfer office supplies.

I'm Personable: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

Join our Fast-Paced Company: We have no time to train you.

Must be Deadline Oriented: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Must have an Eye for Detail: We have no quality control.

My Pertinent Work Experience Includes: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

No Phone Calls Please: We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Problem-Solving Skills a Must: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Requires Team Leadership Skills: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend.