Sexual Harassment

Everyone who has a job has either conducted or attended sexual harassment training but like you, I get tired of the usual type of training.

Check out this video for an interesting perspective on the subject.

Here's another video. Equally as funny as the first yet is more instructional in nature.

Never forgetting about my South Park fans, here is one for you.

I didn't win the lottery......AGAIN so maybe this is the answer to my eternal search for an early retirement. Is it wrong to hope I might be accosted by a coworker like the people in the videos? If you saw most of my coworkers, you would tell me it isn't worth it.

On a side note, I tried to snag the videos and put them directly into my blog, but I kept getting errors that my html tags were not closed. I don't know what the hell was wrong but if anyone knows, please enlighten me.

Classic or Old?

I have the feeling I am considered old. Gone are the days when I knew who the band was when a new song came on the radio. I'd even go so far as to say most of it is junk. Not like the music I like.

When I have to explain to someone that "Classic Rock" isn't 90s music, I feel old. Doesn't anyone listen to the Beatles, Van Morrison, the Eagles, Queen, Pink Floyd, or early Yes anymore? Yes, I believe they are called old people. I admit it, I like to listen to ELO, Rush, and Led Zeppelin. Does that mean I am a fossil? Apparently so.

The other day, I was talking about Jimmy Buffett. A friend asked me if he was the stock investment guru.

Me: Warren Buffett? Wrong Buffett. Come on, you know the song Margaritaville?

Miss Youngpants: I think my mom likes him.

At this point, I was tempted to do one of two things. Start singing a little Margaritaville or call her a bitch. I did both......in my head.

Hell Pays Off

A search for books on dealing with coworkers from hell yielded some interesting results. Here's a list:

• Coping with Difficult People: The Proven-Effective Battle Plan That Has Helped Millions Deal with the Troublemakers in Their Lives at Home and at Work
  
• Dealing with People You Can't Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst
  
• A Survival Guide for Working With Humans: Dealing With Whiners, Back-Stabbers, Know-It-Alls, and Other Difficult People
  
• Jerks at Work: How to Deal With People Problems and Problem People
  
• 201 Ways to Deal With Difficult People (Quick-Tip Survival Guides)
  
• Since Strangling Isn't An Option
  
• Working With You is Killing Me : Freeing Yourself from Emotional Traps at Work
  
• Tripping the Prom Queen : The Truth About Women and Rivalry
  
• I Can't Believe She Did That! : Why Women Betray Other Women at Work
  
• The Girl's Guide to Being a Boss (Without Being a Bitch) : Valuable Lessons, Smart Suggestions, and True Stories for Succeeding as the Chick-in-Charge

Apparently there is a market for these types of books. Since the lottery hasn't paid off, maybe I will start working on a book. I will have to split the profits from this book three ways. Two of my blog readers (the South Park fans) are also coworkers who share my bitter ways. For me to succeed (by selling books or winning the lottery) and leave them there would result in a Jimmy Hoffa ending for me. There are two of them and I have a feeling they could be very diabolical together.

Freedom

I haven't said this very often, but today was a great day. I had the day off work so it was all about me. I got eleven hours of sleep so that alone impacted my mood. As I was driving to Target this afternoon, I was listening to Michael Buble on the radio singing "Feeling Good."

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And
I'm feeling good

As you can see, normal amounts of sleep result in me feeling overly optimistic and somewhat delusional.

So there I was...slowly pushing a cart through Target without a care in the world. Sadly, it made my day.

Aside from a great shopping experience, it was nice to NOT hear the following from anyone I encountered today:

Do you have a minute? This always means a minimum of twenty minutes of my time is going to be wasted. This cycle will be repeated several times per day.

I have a question. How shocking. One question? Could this be my lucky day? You actually have fifty questions and lack the ability to answer any of them alone.

I have a problem. You sure do, but I have a feeling you aren't referring to your personal issues.

Do you think...? I do but apparently you don't.

I like things to be black and white. While this place resembles a zoo and many of my coworkers act like animals, I don't see any zebras. How did I get the job of pulling off Mission Impossible...teaching someone to use judgment?

And, my personal favorite:

Why? Because I said so. To quote Cartman, "Respect my authority!" It's not that I have any authority, but stupid questions piss me off.

With that in mind, none of that exists right now. Well, until Monday......

Huh?

I got an early start at work this morning. I listened to several employees attempt to justify their inappropriate behavior and general incompetence all morning. Just when I was contemplating a jump from a high building, I was told that I am indeed the wind beneath someone's wings.

One of my coworkers told me another coworker considers me to be her mentor. How did that happen? This also leads me to ask...exactly what example am I setting? Is this what celebrities complain about when they are considered a role model? If so, where is the big paycheck for my trouble?

According to the dictionary, a mentor is "A wise and trusted counselor or teacher." Now I feel the need to sit up straight and present a polished image at all times. Not likely.

Howdy-ho!

This post is for a couple of friends from "real life" who are stopping by for the first time. What they have in common is a love for South Park, therefore a picture seemed appropriate. It seems nerve racking to have people who really know me reading this but somehow it got worked into a conversation. I might need to have tape placed over my mouth in the future.

Monday Humor

A reader of my blog sent this to me. I have seen it before, but it is worth repeating.

Things you wish you could say at work:

1. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. I'm sorry, you must be mistaking me for someone who cares.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.

25. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

26. Do I look like a people person?

27. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

28. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

29. You!...Off my planet!

30. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

31. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

32. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

33. Allow me to introduce my selves.

34. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

35. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

36. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

37. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

38. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

39. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

40. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

41. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

42. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

43. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

44. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

45. I thought I wanted a career; turns out, I just wanted the paycheck.

Seriously

In keeping with the match theme of my previous entry, this picture is a perfect example of my attitude lately.

The site I got this from appeals to my sarcastic personality. I wish I could actually hang these in my office.

I do have a couple of the "real" ones about teamwork and hard work. There have been so many days that I look at them and imagine sticking them in various orifices of those who piss me off.

If you have a few minutes, check out the videos. They are hilarious "how-to" videos about how to deal with employees.

So, what's the whole point of my ranting? Why does everything have to be so serious all the time? This is particularly difficult in HR. HR is supposed to be serious. Next to librarians, we project the most boring, anally retentive personalities known to man. In my vain attempt to disprove this myth, I am going to open my own consulting firm and plaster the walls with these demotivators. My letterhead and business cards will feature them, too.

Of course this will be after I win the lottery and set fire to my office.

Got a Match?

For the past couple of weeks, I have been giving presentations regarding our leave policy. Today, I had a group of employees that resembled an angry mob. Is the concept that I am merely the messenger foreign to people? I felt like I had a "kick me" sign on my ass. Here is a general summary.

I arrive in their conference room, do the social niceties, and wait to begin. Moving through the agenda, it is now my turn. I review the changes, how it impacts them, etc. There is always one in a group but the asshole today is a perfect example of why I haven't exercised my right to obtain a concealed weapons permit.

"I don't think this is appropriate. They should just rename this place "Big Brother." Am I allowed to make any decisions for myself."

I took a deep breath and asked," What part of the policy do you have a problem with?"

The whole thing. What gives you the right?

Me? Are you referring to the person sitting here who has a million better things to do that argue with you? The person who knows your disciplinary record? Who has sat in a room and witnessed you begging your manager to keep your job after screwing up numerous times? That would be me. If I had the power to make these policies, your ass would have been gone a long time.

So, I replied, "To be accurate, this is not MY policy." This is a company policy and as an employee, you are required to comply with it. If you have an actual question I can address, by all means, please ask, otherwise we should probably move on.

So he calms down, says he knows it's not my "fault" and shuts up. While I realize there are lions that need to roar from time to time, they really need to find someone else to bitch to. While I always maintain professionalism, I won't be the sacrificial lamb for this kind of crap.

I forgot to play the lottery so I am stuck with this job until Saturday. I am planning to win the lottery and set my office on fire Monday morning.

Giving back

I am not talking about giving back as in charity. What I am referring to is giving everything back I thought I wanted. Since I am a list kind of gal, here is tonight's list of what I wish to donate to the God of responsibility:

Bills

As a kid, I wanted mail. It seemed like such an honor to get mail. The reality: Most of it is junk and, unless you consider bills or solicitations for money to be an honor, is destined to be one more thing I have to do.

Job

As a kid, this was a huge sign of being an adult. The payoff for all those years in college. The reality: I am tired, uninspired, and generally sick of being perpetually behind. Yeah, take this job and shove it.

House

This is a twisted thought. Like most people, I dreamed of owning a house and making it a home. How can I be excited about the largest debt I will ever incur? It's not like someone gave me an extreme home makeover (with a maid) and handed me the title to paradise.

In retrospect, all the things about being a kid were great. I have decided I want to live at home with my parents. I want to sit on the floor and watch the Brady Bunch while eating freshly baked cookies my mom made.

Having to get up to turn the dial on the console TV and adjust the rabbit ears on the antenna would be a small price to pay for the simplicity of childhood.

Random Ramblings

Here is a recap of the latest thoughts churning through my mind:

• I read a few blogs from the start over the weekend.
• While at a store on Friday night, the guy standing behind me in line said, "You had me at hello." My response, "You lost me at goodbye." Why do some men think it is cute to quote chick flicks? I happen to be one of those women who thinks most chick flicks are pathetic displays of ridiculously dependent women so clearly that is the wrong way to attempt to connect with me.
• Why do people think it is acceptable to let their children wipe snot on their sleeves?
• I wish St. Elsewhere was still on TV.
• Patrick Dempsey needs a nosejob to have any chance of being attractive.
• Why can't I get the links title on my blog to match the font of the other titles?
• TIVO is the best thing ever made.
• How many people actually read my blog?

Call me Sybil

I am a walking contradiction. Wait, don't run off yet. Allow me to explain. While I have a sense of humor, I also have a serious side that doesn't know when to quit. I was surfing around today and found this list. Would anyone actually take this seriously? While reading it, I found myself responding to it. Yep, MPD is back isn't it? Instead of talking to a webpage that won't respond, I figured I would put them here.

12 Ways to Lighten Up

Whoever wrote this must live on a small island in the South Pacific and smoke some great stuff frequently.

Try these techniques until you find one that lightens you up.

1. Deliberately turn a molehill into a mountain. Make a big deal out of a little problem. "I would feel much better if these papers were stacked exactly like this! Not like that! Like this! Not this! This!"

The first paragraph of this article said these tips would result in a long life. Who would be around to enjoy it with if I follow tip #1? If I took this advice and applied it to work, security would be called within an hour and I would be sitting in a padded room by now. The reality of this is that I am usually the one telling others to calm down. Freaking out is not my problem. Thinking too much is what gets me into trouble.

2. Ask yourself, "Is getting serious about this situation really going to improve it?"

So, the answer that has been staring me in the face all this time is to talk to myself in a condescending voice?

3. Focusing on the positives. Repeat these questions until you feel lighter, "What is right about this picture?" "What else is right?" "What else?"

What if the answer Sybil gives me to these questions is "Not a fucking thing?"

4. Consider a complete, major change. Why not go back to school? Why not move to Idaho? Why not retire for a few years or start a new career?

Let me answer those one at a time:

A. School? At this point, my next option would be a doctorate and nobody needs another nut to call Dr.
B. Idaho? While I am sure Idaho has more than the potatoes I buy, I can't see myself remaining sane when surrounded my farm animals.
C. Retire? Unless this article includes a check for the few years I won't be working, that is a useless suggestion. A new career is also off the table. Why the hell would I want to start over when I have paid my dues in this one? Besides, I love my job (you knew that right?)

5. Ask yourself, "When I am on my deathbed, will I be glad I was so serious about _______?"

That's the oldest line in the book. When I am on my deathbed there better be drugs being injected to avoid me thinking about such ridiculous questions. Besides, at that point, my sixth husband, a young twentysomething stud, will be stroking my face while I wither away.

6. A challenging game is much better than no game at all. So consider losing all aspects of the problem. Examples: You feel serious about family problems. You ask yourself, "Well, what if I had no family at all?" You feel serious about your investments. You ask yourself, "What if I had no money to invest?"

That's right, during times that I actually NEED to think, I should be trying to lose all sense of focus. Brilliant!

7. The size of your problem may match the size of your game. So get a bigger game. For example, if you get uptight about paper clips being in the wrong drawer, your game size is tiny. Double your amount of responsibility. Set some huge goals. Succeed by thinking much, much bigger.

Not applicable. If I ever met someone who considered paper clips their biggest problem, I would be in jail. Yes indeed, my problems would become minor because I would then be facing a murder charge for ramming those paper clips down that person's throat.

8. Stop trying to solve the problem that is making you so serious. Certain types of problems solve themselves if you leave them alone. Your problem may be one of those.

In the workplace, I believe this falls into the "failure to to your job" category." If I actually took this advice, I would get fired. Picture this.......Monday morning comes and I sit at my desk arranging my paper clips. When my boss come by, I'll tell him, "I am just waiting for customers to solve their own problems." My paperclips and I would be out the door in about five minutes.

9. Compare what you are doing to other careers. Imagine being a septic tank drainer or an IRS agent.

Don't be hasty with the job titles. Some people would say I am a professional cleaner of shitty situations. Remember the vomit in my previous post?

10. Make everyone around you lighten up. You will soon feel more cheerful.

Alienating the few I people actually like is not part of my plan.

11. Look at bizarre solutions. What is the craziest way you could solve your problem? What solution, if it worked, would make you laugh out loud?

The craziest way I could solve my problem and laugh out loud is illegal. Enough said.

12. Act stupid for a minute. Let down your hair. Stop being so darn important for a while. Be a goof!

This one proves to me that this list should have been called "12 Easy Ways to get Fired."

After reading that list, my suspicions have been confirmed. I am sane and the rest of the world is crazy. I feel better already!

Stop the World, I Want to Get Off!

After a particularly horrible day yesterday, I have decided this is my new motto. I came home and went to bed at 8:00. It has been years since I did that. All I wanted was to pull the covers over my head and stop thinking. Of course that couldn't last. My mind keeps going so now it is the middle of the night and I am awake. I read a few blogs and tried to get life off of my mind.

I am usually better at this. By "this" I mean putting things in perspective. In the grand scheme of life, why should I care about work or the little problems that my day brings that probably won't seem so big in a few days? Knowing that makes it all the more annoying. I am my biggest critic and right now I am giving myself a hard time. That really sounds like I have multiple personality disorder doesn't it?

Indulge me here, but when I get in this kind of funk, I tend to overthink. Today's epiphany is the difference between loyalty and obligation. For years, I have functioned under the pretense that I am a loyal employee. I keep the secrets, sacrifice, and plan my life around work. Is it really about loyalty? Are these decisions based on making "good career choices?" What I realized tonight is that loyalty feels good. It really is a choice. What I am experiencing is an obligation and it feels like crap.

The good news? I can't stand pessimism and self-doubt so this mood won't last long.

Stupid is as stupid does........

I need to face it. I am surrounded by stupid people at work. Just when I think I've heard and seen it all, another idiot pops up. Here is today's issue...blogging. Do people realize they have to be very careful when blogging about work? Not at my company.

So a couple of idiots got together and decided to post several entries bashing the company. Too bad they forgot to avoid providing details that pointed to them. It's time for one of my tips:

TIP: Don't tell everyone and their brother how you feel about an issue, name names, tell them how you are never going to forget this "ordeal" then post in on a blog. It tends to point to you. Just for good measure, it's probably not wise to use a variation of your name either. Idiots A and B didn't follow any of this advice.

I used to think there were a lot people who were considerably more intelligent than me. This job has proven me wrong. Before you dash my fantasy, I realize I should consider the people I am around when making such an assumption but don't take this little joy away from me.

Bored

Sundays are not what they used to be. Instead of feeling like the weekend, it feels like the preview to Monday. I don't like feeling that way, but I do. If I didn't have so much to do, I would take vacation time instead of facing the dreaded Monday morning. It's not that I don't like my job. I do. There is too much to be done and I am tired of feeling behind all the time.

Have you ever noticed the difference between men and women with taking time off? Women will take time off because they want to. They don't necessarily need a reason. Men need a reason. They are going somewhere, need to do something, etc. They just don't take time off to be away from work. Unfortunately, I am like a man in this sense.

Anyway, back to my boredom. I have plenty to do around the house and it is getting done but I am bored. Maybe I will take a nap....

Clueless

What is it with employees who don't have a clue? Lately, all I hear is "Why me?" "It's not fair." Am I the only person who remembers what mom said about life? No one ever said life was fair. As I have said in a previous entry, I feel like everyone's mother.

Do I actually have to explain the realities of life to people? If employees actually listened when I inevitably have to explain why life isn't fair, I could take it. Oh no, that would be too easy. Whine whine whine. This is particularly difficult to stomach when they cause their problems. Here is a general list, that you would think would be obvious, of things to avoid at work:

• Don't sexually harass your coworkers. This means touching them, commenting on their body parts, and repeatedly telling them you love them. An advanced stage of this is stalking. It may be a free country but following them home, sitting in your car while parked on their street, and keeping a log of their activities doesn't bode well for your continued employment AND freedom from prosecution.
  
• Wearing a slacker sign. Show up to work and make an attempt to at least look like you are doing your job. Too many people make it obvious that work is really a social setting that is meant to meet their needs. Try having a few good cover stories versus the typical, "Everyone does it, you are just picking on me." Those of us in HR need something to work with to even attempt to save your lazy ass.
  
• Don't play the discrimination card. This is the most overused "Crying Wolf" tactic I see. People, do your homework. Unless you fall into a protected class, you don't have a hope in hell of using that one. Employees believe HR cringes at the mere mention of that word, but we are so used it being thrown around that we often laugh.
  
• Oh the hostility. Here we have the second overused phrase "Hostile Work Environment." Usually the employee claiming to be a victim of it is actually the one perpetuating such an environment. The legal requirement for what constitutes a hostile work environment is substantially higher than the dirty look your manager gives you for coming in late again.

Why people believe these things work never ceases to amaze me. I have been told employees share tips on how to avoid getting in trouble. Guess what? It doesn't work.