It's the Little Things

So the lottery failed me again last night. Am I the only nut who actually believes the phrase, "I have just as much of a chance of winning as anyone else?" This belief of mine is really a sign of desperation versus the start of a gambling addiction.

I was out doing errands today and got to thinking about many things that annoy me. I am not talking about the person in the 10 item lane with 12. I can handle that. They may be little to others but these things really piss me off.

• People driving and talking on their cell phones. Really people, who do you need to talk to that badly? These people fall into two categories: roamers and slow-pokes. The roamers are usually men. They are erratic and have a tendency to edge into the lane next to them. Unless they want me to push their asses into their own lane, they better watch it. The others are the slow-pokes and are usually women. These mini-van driving hags drive about 20 miles an hour and are prone to ride the brake the whole time. Just when you think someone MUST be having a medical emergency in this car, you pass them and see the cell phone. This is when a tow truck or a police car with a pushbar would come in handy. I would love to push their distracted asses right off the road. Instead of an HOV lane, let's have a cell phone lane and let them take each other out. Natural selection my friend.
• People in fast food restaurants who insist on paying for several orders separately. Split up the change on your own time dipshit. Along these lines are the bastards who order enough food for an army through the drive-thru window. They really have a death wish.
• Religious freaks coming to my house. While I respect the right to individual beliefs, keep them off my porch. I have a TV so if I want to be saved I can turn on Jerry Falwell.
• Seniors who think longevity makes them entitled to rudeness. I have seen this in restaurants when they cut in front of me, times when I open the door for someone and they act like I am the doorman (no thank you, fuck you, or kiss my ass), and on the road. With osteoporosis, I could break their necks quite easily.
• News reporters. Are their news stations that actually have real people as reporters? All of them look like actors with bad makeup and pasted hair. They love to act humored when their co-anchor says something mildly amusing. Giggle giggle, I have a feather up my ass.
• Neighbors who let their dogs crap on my lawn and leave it. Yeah, you'll get it back and it won't be on your lawn.
• Newspaper delivery. It's not a big deal to me that it is practically in the street. The tip is directly related to the distance it lands from my door. I feel better already.
• SUV drivers who lack the capacity to park. It's like an amusement park...if you're not big enough to handle the ride, stay off. On a side note, door dings lead to a psychotic frenzy for me. When and if that happens, you can expect a key job. I take great care not to ding or scrape anyone else so I practice what I preach.
• Telephone solicitors. I don't care if they aren't selling something. I am not interested in participating in a poll, listening to how they can save me money, etc. I used to have mercy on these people, listen to their whole script, and politely say, "No thank you." Not anymore. Now I either say no as soon as I can or mess with them. Here is an example of an exchange I had with a person trying to get me to change my long-distance carrier:

Caller: We can save you money on your long-distance.

Me: Doesn't really matter because I don't make long-distance calls.

Caller: None?

Me: No.

Caller: Even if you don't regularly make calls, we can save you money.

Me: Really, I don't make calls, I don't have friends.

Caller: :::Pauses:::

Me: I am sensing judgement.

Caller: Ahem, no but I think we can save you money and want to give you a free gift as thanks for switching.

Me: But I don't make calls. Actually, I don't receive calls very much either.

Caller: Ok.

Me: It's great that you called because I could use someone to talk to. Maybe you could call me again. I need to get off the phone because I feel a panic attack coming on and my medication is in the other room. Can you hang on long enough to make sure I reach it? I might need you to call 911 if I don't make it.

:::Click::::

Welcome to Walmart

Days like this make me long for a simple job like a Walmart greeter. How difficult can it be to say "Hi" and push a cart at someone? Maybe my expert people skills would make me a "Head Greeter." There is nothing like starting at the top.

Anyway, my days are long, long, long. I have discovered a huge job duty that was not in my job description.......helping managers figure out how to do the simple things they are supposed to know how to do. I used to think this was a problem with male managers but I have come to the conclusion that the females are just as bad. They are different though.

Women have a tendency to take things more personally and second-guess themselves endlessly. Do these morons realize their lack of confidence makes it bad for the rest of the women in the workplace? It reminds me of the feeling many women have about women degrading their gender by posing for Playboy. Personally, I think women who say that wish they looked like Playboy models. Yep, that would be a problem, wouldn't it? I wonder if Walmart would mind if I posed for Playboy with a strategically placed Walmart vest and a smile? So tempting but for as many weird offers as I have had lately, none have included money for a picture of my chest. Oh well, tomorrow is another day..........

Does it ever end?

For the past few years, there has been a lot of discussion about work/life balance. That isn't happening with my job. Sure, it's talked about, but the actions don't add up. It's hard to appear upbeat to employees when I am burned out.

I played the lottery tonight but, like all the millions of other suckers, I will need to show up to work on Monday.

I need a maid and a personal assistant. Actually, I could also use a personal shopper. When I go to work, it's dark. When I get home, it's dark. It's a good thing online banking exists. Without it, my bills wouldn't get paid because the outside world does not exist during my work hours. I thought a benefit to being salaried was flexibility. NOPE! It basically means I make less than minimum wage if my salary was broken down to an hourly wage. The good news? I am too busy to spend any of it.

I'd tell you to kiss my ass but........

Where do I start? Work sucks these days. If there was a national day of bitchiness declared, I missed the memo. Long days and a thankless job are not a good mix.

I am considering changing my name to "Mommy." Everybody and their freaking brother wants something, expects me to fix something, or simply wants me to listen to something. How about listening to my thoughts about how little I care right now. Since you probably caused the problem, how about taking a little ownership and demonstrating some accountability. Never occurred to you, huh? Pisses me off to no end.