Blogging My Way to a Pink Slip

Joke

2009-09-04T09:02:00.000-07:00

What do you call a group of executives with no labor experience sitting around a table with union reps creating a bargaining agreement?

The ~~idiots~~ management at my company.

Don't Shoot the Messenger

2009-09-01T21:48:00.000-07:00

If you work in HR, I find it hard to believe you wouldn't relate to this one. If you don't AND you are a manager, this is about you!

Imagine this scenario....

As an HR professional, you give advice to managers related to documenting performance issues, discipline, performance appraisals, little things called "laws"etc. Seems fairly straightforward right?

If it were that easy, I'd either be a millionaire or extremely bored at work.

Here's the problem (listen up managers), you DO NOT LISTEN. Then you get sick of your lack of really dealing with the issue and blame HR and/or your legal department for "standing in the way" of managing your problem employees when you decide to fire your "problem you did not manage."

Of course we aren't really allowed to tell you that your lack management skills led to this problem. Such statements (also known as "the truth") wouldn't represent an air of partnership and cooperation.

Which leads me to today's lesson...Accountability is for the other guy.

Sound familiar?

If it doesn't and you work in HR, I want your job.

If it does, welcome to the world of "The Truth of HR."

Yep, all the information you may have read about a career in HR was a ruse to entice you.

Often (daily), HR is the proverbial fall guy, the monkey wrench, the fly in the ointment, and much worse. Feel free to share how you have heard HR being described. It's not pretty.

I realize my role is advisory. I sell my point of view. I do not take it personally when management doesn't listen. While I don't want to sell myself short, most of it is common sense. My experience strengthens my position but in the end, it's a matter of calculated risk whether to heed the almighty (me).

All that being said, "I" am not the problem. If you don't want to listen, at least admit you are ignoring it. As much as I enjoy a healthy debate, you can't successfully debate good practices when yours stink.

I know you don't like the FMLA but the Department of Labor didn't ask for volunteers. Budget woes and you don't want to pay overtime in the week the hours were worked? Yep, clearly I have a creative, legal solution I have been hiding from you. No documentation and you want to fire a disabled employee? I'm sure no one will notice.

Of course I will get the job of working with legal on the response letter to the EEOC but as long as you get rid of your problem, it's a great day.

The real purpose of HR is to be a neutral touchstone. Today I got stoned and it wasn't in a enjoyable, illegal way.

Mandated Schedules

2009-08-05T21:34:00.000-07:00

My company recently mandated a 4/10 schedule. Sound good? It's not.

It becomes much easier to jeopardize the exempt status of salaried employees.

Exempt employees generally work less hours in a week. I used to put in 45-50 on most weeks and a lot more when necessary. Now? 40

Decreased productivity. Assuming an employee works the same 40 hours they used to, are those hours as productive as a 5/8 schedule? Isn't productive time really the point of "working?"

Employees don't like their coworkers enough to spend 10+ hours a day together.

Instead of a "flexible schedule" being a perk, a mandated schedule easily becomes an expectation. It cannot be called "flexible" or "alternative" when it doesn't come with a choice.
Negative turnover results when employees cannot manage all of their responsibilities with a mandated 4/10 schedule. Is it worth losing them?

Goodbye work/life balance.

Goodbye single parents, parents of young children, and older workers.

Hello burnout, bitterness, bitchiness.

Management's attitude ....."Be thankful you have a job."

If only it were that simple.

The Innocence of HR...from HR.Com

2009-07-02T21:44:00.000-07:00

Contagious Mismanagement

2009-06-30T21:57:00.001-07:00

For quite some time, I have complained about my HR Manager, Mr. Shit4Brains. While I realize poor managers tend to attract and develop more bad managers, I am a bit surprised this happened in HR.

While I am not surprised about who can only be described as the worst HR Manager in the history of any HR department, I am surprised about his subordinates (my direct supervisor and her peers).

These people have been at my company long enough to remember how it was before Mr. Shit4Brains took the wheel of our proverbial Titanic. These are the same people who appear to share the department-wide frustration with his lack of knowledge, micromanagement, and embarrassing decisions.

Is this playing both sides or have they officially joined the dark side? Were they worn down, do they want to make their staff feel as micromanaged as they do, or do they enjoy the pseudo power they feel keeping us down?

S4B has always been an ass but these people thrived back in the days when we had autonomy and growth opportunities. Now they rarely delegate anything meaningful and usually steal credit for anything worth talking about.

Those of us in HR see this all the time but I cannot believe it could happen among my coworkers. HR professionals know how this ends. It's our job to deal with departments that have these types of problems. While everyone in HR should know better, these people DO know better. I don't get it.

I spend my morning commute hoping a bag of money falls off an armored truck. Seriously, like so many others, I am just waiting to get out.

Anniversary Banquet

2009-06-07T00:07:00.001-07:00

Recently, I had the displeasure of attending an "Anniversary Banquet" to celebrate my astounding ten years of "service" to my company. I haven't dreaded anything more since the pain of childbirth.

To say it was a horrific experience would be an understatement.

I don't know what was worse, having to smile while Mr. Shit4Brains stood next to me for the obligatory picture or watching my fellow employees kiss ass to upper management.

On a side note, do you remember that song by Beck, "Loser?" It has become Mr. Shit4Brains mantra. Well, it's his mantra for me. "I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me." Yep, that says it all for him.

So, I listened to my fellow employees drone on about how time flies, how fabulous the food was (it wasn't), and how nice it was to spend time together away from work. Excuse me, this wasn't away from work. In fact, it was worse than work. At least at work, I can WORK. All I could do there was sit and pray for time to miraculously pass... quickly.

Although this banquet was not mandatory, it certainly would have been ~~career suicide~~ inappropriate to miss it. True recognition of my ~~time served~~ service would have been to give me a day off.

Ban the BCC

2009-06-06T23:08:00.000-07:00

I have a few issues with emails using the dreaded Blind (or Blank) Carbon (or Courtesy) Copy. First of all, it's not blind to everyone. Only the recipient is in the dark.

If you are bcc'ed, you know it. What am I supposed to think when I get bcc'ed? Was I placed in the bcc to protect my identity? To hide the fact that I got the email? Call me cynical but I believe most bccs are used to hide the fact that I got the email.

Doesn't that seem a little silly at work? I understand bcc for large groups of people who may not know each other. Protecting their privacy is obvious for those times.

Funny thing is I don't usually see this in my personal email accounts. I can get a joke, funny story, or obligatory cute picture of a friend's baby and see my name jumbled in with their family and everyone else they know. I do get annoyed when I get fifty emails resulting from Aunt Helen in Idaho hitting, "reply to all" to comment on the number of teeth the baby was showing in the picture.

Anyway, at work, the bcc is usually used for devious reasons. In my experience, it is used to share the responsibility yet deny credit. Have I mentioned how much I loathe my own gender as coworkers?

If you haven't figured it out already, allowing your insecurities into the workplace won't gain you high marks with me.

The Future

2009-03-22T23:53:00.001-07:00

With the current economy, the focus is on keeping a job. For those who lost theirs, they are looking. For those who have one, keeping it is the priority. Although both are important, there is an interesting change in many workplaces I believe will change the future significantly.

For those who keep their jobs, the way they were treated during these times will shape their futures. While many employers have been good to their employees and will continue to be, many are not.

These are the employers who believe the power has shifted. The long-looming labor shortage all of us in HR waited for has been temporarily interrupted by the economy. The shortage will be there but this isn't what we planned for.

Of course, in the grand tradition of taking advantage, many companies have turned 180 degrees to treating their best like children who are just waiting to misbehave. The autonomy earned has been reined in. The flexibility to have work/life balance? Poof, it's gone.

Right now, this can be overlooked because it is not the priority. At the same time, it will cause a different type of crisis when the economy improves. These employees will be the first to jump ship. While these employees are relieved to have jobs now, they will not forget the way they were treated.

Those of us who work with employees are aware of how far being treated with respect gets you and how easily it is destroyed. True commitment from employees is a one time deal. Once destroyed, companies never get it back. Employees may stay but they will not give their best.

If this was not true, many of us would not have jobs. I make a substantial part of my living off of poor management decisions. Right now, they are compounding.

During turbulent times, employee relations issues usually soar. Employees are afraid of the appearance of making waves. Others believe their issues will be seen as petty when they watched their coworkers get laid off. What management doesn't realize (or doesn't care) is that these issues are still there. The remaining employees are not engaged or productive.

This doesn't mean the wrong employees were laid off. This means you can't lay off coworkers and tell the survivors they are damn lucky to still be on the island. The survivors are now overworked, under appreciated, and uncertain about how long they will keep their jobs.

If you are a manager who tells your employees they should be thankful to have a job, don't expect them to thank you. In fact, don't expect them to still be your employees when things turn around.

Dear HR Abby

2009-03-19T19:14:00.000-07:00

This won't win me any friends but I have to say it. While I have been in a blogging slump lately, I think part of the reason is because I don't enjoy reading a lot of HR blogs anymore.

I realize all of my readers, many who are HR bloggers, are sitting on the edge of their seats for this, so here goes.

REASONS (Many) HR BLOGS SUCK

So many blogs exist simply to answer questions from "readers." While I realize many of these are genuine questions, I seriously doubt a lot of them are real. It's in the details. If you want to show off your so-called HR knowledge, just blog about the topic. I don't need a fake question. It's also pathetic to watch the blogger bash their reader who asked the question. Do you feel better now? Think you improved the long-held feeling that HR pros are naggy, high and mighty, know-it-all bitches? I guess many HR professionals believe there are stupid questions. If the question is that ridiculous, why waste your time answering it?

A lot of blogs (especially newer ones) are lame attempts to rip-off older, and many times, good blogs. Typically, these are the ones which answer questions, give "characters" fake names, and blog about topics seen on another blog two weeks ago. Not only do these blogs suck because their bloggers are thieves, but also because it's clear they are not being themselves. If you can't maintain your own style, stick to reading and commenting.

Networking blogs. While I realize there are blogs that truly do network, many are lame attempts to feed egos or find a partner in crime. If I was going to attempt to network for best practices or to find a job, I'd be pretty embarrass to present myself the way many of these bloggers do. Sometimes it's better to remain anonymous.

Labor=$$$

2009-03-18T14:37:00.000-07:00

Those that read my blog realize I spend very little time discussing HR. I was better at making the HR connection when I started my blog but I have strayed off the path over time. Regardless, while ridiculous management and annoying coworkers tend to be my topics, I am going to jump back on the HR boat for a bit.

I realize everyone is tired of talking about "Card Check" but it's labor legislation that will set me free. I realized this a few years ago and got certified but the opportunity hasn't presented itself yet. ER and mediation are my fortes so labor won't be a stretch for me.

Regardless of what side of labor you represent, the main premise is the same. Both sides are greedy mongers who want to get everything and screw the other side in the process. I actually believe unions are a death sentence for both sides but that doesn't mean I won't make a living off of it. The voice of reason who seizes opportunities to create harmony and kicks off each bargaining session with a little Kumbaya is valuable. That value translates to money for me.

I have officially joined the dark side.

Petty Petty

2009-03-18T14:26:00.001-07:00

Everyone has them ... petty coworkers. I don't why I have so many but they are everywhere.

Who is working on that project? Who has a closer parking space? Who is going to training?

These are the topics some of my coworkers can discuss for years. Every time I hear about these rampant discussions I am always surprised. The words "adult" and "professional" don't go hand in hand with petty, passive-aggressive discussions.

Inevitably, people pick a side and run with it. Of course on the few occasions they are called on their pettiness, they act sincere and innocent. They always get away with it which is why this behavior continues.

I thought high school ended at graduation.

Management is an Oxymoron (Moron)

2008-12-08T20:52:00.000-08:00

Is it reasonable to assume managers should be able to manage themselves AND others? Apparently management training at my company has failed.

Here is a typical conversation with a member of management:

Me: We need to discuss how to handle this meeting with your employee.
Manager: Really? Do we haaavvve to? (Whining is mandatory for a crappy manager)

Me: In order to lay off your employee, we probably should discuss the meeting before it's held.
Manager: (Sighs heavily) Ok. What do I have to do? How long will the meeting take? Isn't this an HR thing? By the way, what's a budget?

God forbid I suggest we meet before the employee meeting so it appears we have some level of professionalism.

If I was making all the decisions with these layoffs, I would cut out half of management and save a lot of employees their jobs.

On a side note, my company has many more employees who don't know IF they are losing their jobs. Mine is included in this group.

A Long Walk

2008-11-16T20:57:00.000-08:00

Yep, I've been gone on a long walk lately from my blog. It can primarily be summed up in a word...Layoffs! My company is in the midst of them and of course HR is right in the thick of things. I hate this part of my job.

While I don't choose who goes and stays, I still feel horrible. It's usually the new employees who go. Those are the ones with fresh ideas. Yes, they may eat fruit in meetings but they work hard. Added to the list is long-term employees who are high performers but work in an area that needs to be reduced.

It's more difficult this time because there is nowhere else to go. These people get a severance and a future of uncertainty. Thanks for your service, Merry Christmas, screw you. They should make a new reunion site for former employees. I think those meetings will take place at the unemployment line.

It's not supposed to happen this way. Get an education and work experience and in exchange you will have security. It's a scary world out there and I'm afraid of how bad it will get before things turn around.

As for my HR department, we are intact for now but the majority of of my coworkers have no idea how many of them will not have jobs soon.

Hopefully I will have a few lighter topics to blog about soon.

An Open Letter to the Big Kahuna

2008-11-04T20:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Kahuna,

There are a few things I would like you to know about your horrific choice of ~~HR Manager~~ Mr. Shit4Brains.

Micromanagers are cancer to a workplace. This guy has taken of group of experienced professionals and turned them into his version of Charlie's Angels.

Does he realize his behavior creates the appearance that he can't trust his staff and is, therefore, a crappy manager? The organization realizes he is a pig from hell but apparently he hasn't gone far enough to get the boot.

Inexperienced managers tend to lack the experience to trust their staff. They NEED to know enough to utilize their resources. They don't have to be the expert in every facet of HR but they do need to know who is their go-to person. This guy won't even go to the resource. He goes to their supervisor to have them deliver the request/barked order/message of lunacy. I don't know if this is his version of "keeping you down" but I do know it is a great example of ineffective management.

HR is the last place for personal wars. Mr. Shit4Brains has a few scores to settle and attempts to use his position to settle them. Leaving out the fact that he really doesn't have power (advisory role of HR), he is outmatched. Additionally, his antics make the rest of us look horrible. Truly, the many strides I have made have been seriously impacted by his actions. The proverbial seat at the table is now the kid's table.

In closing, get rid of this guy before the lawsuits start coming in. I don't want to make threats, but the voodoo doll above could be activated in our next meeting.

All my best,
Pissed off in HR

Tagged, Part 2

2008-09-18T08:16:00.001-07:00

Venting HR Guy tagged me so I guess I will try to come up with another six facts about myself. Don't count on them being too interesting.

In a world of dog and cat people, I am definitely a dog person.
If I didn't work in HR and didn't despise people in general, I would be an interior decorator.
I love hockey but I don't get to see it very much where I live. This is difficult considering I grew up watching one of the original six teams. I am still a huge fan of this team. Any guesses on the city?
I am addicted to TIVO.
If I was 10 years younger, I would go to law school.
I frequently (and usually secretly) disagree with a lot of HR bloggers regarding the advice they give.

Bumped

2008-09-14T22:59:00.001-07:00

Apparently my ratings have slipped. Alltop needs a new section, perhaps called, "Allbottom" for those of us who used to be listed who now have been banished. Instead of a button that says, "Confirmation that I kick ass" how about, "Confirmation that I USED to kick ass?"

All in jest.

Tagged!

2008-09-14T14:53:00.001-07:00

I was tagged by HR Minion to confess six random things about me. Well, let's see if I have anything interesting to share:

I suffer from/enjoy road rage. In my mind, only bad drivers bring this out in me but those who have had the unfortunate luck of being a passenger of mine would probably disagree.
I love my children (most of the time) but I am not a great admirer of children.
Most of my friends are men.
I believe public service should be mandatory.
I am a first generation American.
I don't vote.

This task came with a requirement to tag others but I am going to abstain. While I don't mind playing along, I don't want to piss anyone off. I manage to do that enough at work.

Things Are Looking Up

2008-08-27T22:29:00.000-07:00

It hasn't been easy, but lately things are looking up. I recently had an opportunity to discuss an issue with a bitchy coworker. Of course she tried to control the conversation but I worked it all to my advantage.

The key to getting what you want AND getting people to do what you want goes something like this:

Make sure the other person comes to you. Don't request a meeting, say something is wrong, or look generally pathetic. My coworker did all of these things. I knew she would because I slowly tormented her until she broke. Don't you want to work with me?
NEVER get emotional. Don't get defensive, cry, or raise your voice. Whether you are right or wrong, if you do any of those things, you will LOSE. My coworker tried this. She started off the conversation by being nice, yet controlling. When confronted, she turned bitchy. What did I do? Nothing. This doesn't mean checking out of the conversation, it means not changing my demeanor. In essence, I acted like she didn't turn bitchy. That confused her enough for her to notice how ridiculous she was acting. Then, right when she got embarrassed, I moved in for the kill and threw a few truths her way .....again, calmly. Essentially, calmly and professionally, I made an ass out of her in such a way that she couldn't argue with.
Speed. Don't try to be JFK and win a speed talking contest in these situations. I am naturally a fast speaker but to get the upper hand in these situations, you have to talk slowly. Not Bill Clinton slowly but keep your speaking deliberate. It forces others to slow down their speaking and allows you to control everything from there. If you doubt this, have you ever heard someone yelling slowly? It doesn't happen.
Don't agree to compromise. Compromise seems like a good thing but it is really a way of giving someone what they want that you really don't mind them having. That isn't the same as getting something you want. It puts all of the control in their hands. It only gets worse after you agree to a compromise.
When having a meeting or discussion about issues, appear indifferent. While I don't get emotionally attached to my coworkers and don't expect to even like them, I make a point of telling my coworkers these viewpoints. This ensures a step ahead for me because they do care. I realize this may make me appear cold but I'm not. I am simply choosy about those I consider friends. Think about it, if someone was really a friend, you wouldn't need to have a discussion like this with them. Why? Real friends give you the benefit of the doubt and realize you have their best interests at heart. So, if you have to ask and require assurances, you aren't a friend of mine.
Tell the truth. This coworker I met with actually said this. "We don't have to be friends if you don't want to." My interpretation of this sentence was, "Your pathetic ass is mine." Ok, so now I sound downright nasty but do keep in mind this is the same coworker who did something completely petty and unprofessional to me and is only sorry she got caught. Key here, sorry she got caught, not sorry she did it. In my world, this type of behavior is an open invitation to my most vengeful behavior.

Side note...

Vengeful behavior must be handled carefully. Don't make it obvious. For me, vengeful behavior must be handled passively. It's not my personality to be passive in any way but at work, you have to be. Anything else makes it obvious and you will destroy your career. This isn't too difficult for me because I am surrounded by idiots. All I have to do is let their mistakes hang out. A few innocent questions to my boss, such as, "Do you know if Dummy #1 has handled that issue?" when I know they didn't works wonders. The boss now realizes and I jump in to save the day. I ending up saving the day under the guise of helping a coworker (and my boss) and dummy #1 looks like an idiot. How can anyone get mad at me? Usually I notice these things and take care of it out of genuine teamwork but when crossed, the same behavior works to my advantage. It's difficult for anyone to argue with behavior that isn't out of the ordinary for me. Perfect!

Back to the meeting...

The proof of my upper hand was affirmed throughout the meeting. My coworker started this meeting with and repeatedly said, "You're the ultimate professional." She is talking about my knowledge, my professionalism, and my work product. What she doesn't realize is how manipulated she ended up. Everything happened exactly as I planned. By now you are thinking, "psycho" but keep in mind, she started this by questioning my professionalism in some vain attempt to flatter her faltering ego. She only has herself to blame for the outcome. I used to treat her as an equal and tried to share a few of my tips to getting what you need through subtle wordplay (manipulation). Now, I won't save her ass (done many times), I won't let little things that she does (done many times) and I won't share any of my expertise (done many times). I will become a silo of information that only provides it to her when she asks (begs) for it.

The outcome of this meeting has been great for me. She is extraordinarily considerate and is honeymooning me with her kindness. Keep it up! My behavior changes? Nada!

The best part of this and a true measure of my success is that she doesn't realize she lost. It's irrelevant to me and actually works to my advantage.

If you have ever gotten something without having to ask for it or give anything up in exchange, you won. If the other person doesn't figure that out, you are at the top of your game.

Now you can see why ER is my specialty.

Be Careful

2008-08-20T09:44:00.000-07:00

Writing comments on post-its about your coworkers may seem like a good idea.

Until they see them.

Here's a New One

2008-08-14T21:02:00.000-07:00

I was at work the other day when a coworker started venting to me about another coworker. I was listening, thinking of constructive things to say, inserting supporting phases, helping to strategize, etc. when the unthinkable happened.

When referring to the problem at hand and the person causing said problem, my coworker said, "And then it's going to be 'game on bitch".

Whoa!

As an eager viewer of Big Brother, I have heard this phrase before. I actually consider the workplace to be versions of Big Brother and, on some days, Survivor. That being said, I haven't actually heard someone say this at work. My reaction? Laughter.

This particular situation has been ongoing for years but has finally gone too far. The object of "Game on, Bitch" needs to be dealt with.

After the laughter subsided, I helped my coworker strategize a bit for a couple of meetings to deal with the situation. It's all so ridiculous but the unprofessional behavior of some inevitably leads to a decision.

Kill or be killed? Of course it's not that extreme but it is a do or die situation nevertheless.

In the end, we discussed impacts on productivity, inefficiency, and role clarification.

See, game on, bitch can be productive.

One-sided?

2008-08-08T19:51:00.000-07:00

Cccritique created a blog criticizing the HR field. While I am shocked by the lack of love for HR (not), I am a bit surprised to discover a blogger who filters readers.

You see, for me to spend a considerable amount of time responding (thoughtfully, too) and see my comments deleted is a bit annoying. If that was the point, mission accomplished. My inclination is in another direction though.

I think I was making sense and that didn't support said blogger's cause. Isn't the exchange of information the point of blogging? If a blogger really wants to read his or her own thoughts, why bother having readers?

A Second Look

2008-08-08T09:11:00.001-07:00

Totally Consumed has a post on rejected candidates. It's rare to have a rejected candidate "put themselves" out there by asking for feedback. In fact, it's so rare that I remember these people.

When candidates are hired, HR is done with them (from an applicant standpoint). Of course, this is a very great thing because the process was a raving success and we can move on to the next recruitment. Unless we work closely with them as an employee, we are done knowing about their skills.

This is where rejected candidates come into play. They have to work harder for it. They are working to find out why they weren't a fit, whether we might have something else for them, etc. I get to know these people in a way. Because their continued interest is so unusual, I remember them.

There have been a few of these candidates who have gone on to be hired. Some I have actually recommended. Not for hire of course but for consideration.

Is it a big surprise that these eventual employees are often the best employees we have?

In fact, I was once one of these rejected candidates. Let that be a lesson...

Time for Clarification

2008-08-07T21:10:00.000-07:00

I saw the article below on Careerbuilder. I took a couple of minutes to count my signs and realized I am in bad shape.

The timing of this article was interesting. In fact, a few days ago I saw this article on I Hate Your Job. It made me realize I may be giving the wrong impression on my blog. In fact the quote below, "I like what I do, I just don't like where I work" says it all for me. Have a done a good job of leaving that impression? I am beginning to wonder.

Unlike those described in the article on I Hate Your Job, I know I am a solid performer. As HR professionals, we have all seen employees who believe they are the cream of the crop who in reality are the worst employees. This isn't me. In fact, I often get annoyed at myself for caring and working as hard as I do.

So, if you believe I hate doing my job, I haven't described it well enough. If you realize I am surrounded by incompetent idiots who make me wonder why I bother, I have done something right.

I keep going because I have a couple of the best coworkers anyone could ask for. What they have in common with me is a commitment to professionalism, the ability to solicit, accept, and provide (sometimes when I don't want it!) constructive feedback, and a fantastic sense of humor. They are largely responsible for my sanity and have a way of knowing when I need a pep talk.

Finally, I am waiting for the right opportunity before making a move. If I leave at the wrong time, it wouldn't be in the best interest of my career or family. Smack my egotistical head if you feel the need, but I have a solid resume so I don't need to run into another mess.

Without further ado, here is the article that has verified my need for a new job:

10 Signs It's Time to Quit

"I like what I do. I just don't like where I work." Sound familiar?

From unbearable co-workers to depressing work environments, there things that can make even the best job a living hell. Here are some signs it's time to look for a new job.

Sign No. 1: Your co-workers are annoying.

Obnoxious people can invade your work life. Let's face it, not everyone gets along perfectly. But you need to have some sort of harmonious relationship with fellow employees to get the job done. How are you supposed to get any work done when these guys keep getting in the way? They are distracting and impede productivity. Most offices have a Gossip, that one person who has the "scoop" all the time and is not afraid to share it. Misery loves company, and finds it often in the Whiner, who isn't afraid to complain and bellyache. And everyone has the Neighbor whose noisy distractions include his cellular ringtone, speakerphone and radio.

Sign No. 2: The environment is toxic.

Everyone experiences job highs and lows, but discontent could also be a sign of a chronically depressing work environment or even a company in peril. A bad work environment is reflective of the culture of an entire business. Do you work in a less-than-nurturing atmosphere? Is morale constantly low? Have you been complaining for two solid years? It could be an organizational problem that applying feng shui to your cube just won't fix.

Sign No. 3: You're mentally exhausted by the end of the day.

Stress can cause low morale, decreased productivity and apathy towards work. Plus, it can spill into your personal life and even have a negative effect on your health. Today there are fewer people who are taking on more and more work. American workers experience burnout at an alarming rate. According to CareerBuilder, 68 percent of workers feel burnout at work, and 45 percent said their workloads are too heavy. Yes, we all have to pick up some slack and "take one for the team" from time to time. But if there's no end in sight, do yourself and your health a favor and dust off your résumé.

Sign No. 4: Your boss is a nightmare.

Even though this person is your boss, it doesn't give him license to do anything he wants. If you have a lousy boss, even the best job in the world can make life a living hell. Your relationship with your supervisor plays a big role in your overall professional happiness and success. Fighting to have your boss removed or waiting for your boss to change or get fired are rarely successful tactics. If you are working for someone who is always absent, unavailable, self-absorbed or untrustworthy, it's time to look for a better supervisor and a better opportunity.

Sign No. 5: You're watching the clock... every 10 minutes.

Though you might not like to work, it's even worse when you are bored while you're there. One can only watch so many videos on YouTube or bid on unneeded things on eBay. If you aren't feeling challenged, that's a sign that you need additional responsibilities or a change roles. And be warned, if you don't have any responsibility or find yourself with nothing to do, management might be trying to phase you out and you might be in danger of losing your job.

Sign No. 6: You get no respect.

Does any of this sound familiar? Your ideas aren't taken seriously; there are no opportunities for advancement; the boss ignores you; co-workers alienate you; you're discouraged from improving skills with a course or seminar; you're passed over for a promotion -- again; or you're excluded from key projects and strategizing sessions. So why are you still giving this organization your time, energy and great ideas?

Sign No. 7: Your co-workers act like animals.

They live for themselves and only themselves. They irritate you. They offend you. They have no manners or ethics. And you work with them all. There's the Office Thief who steals your ideas. The Shirker arrives late, leaves early and disappears whenever work is near. The Buck-passer unloads her work onto everyone else and blames others for her mistakes. The Procrastinator delays things until the last possible minute, slowing you down by not having the information you need to meet your deadlines. The Interrupter stops by your cubicle 10 times a day to chat about her latest boyfriend despite your ringing telephone and pressing deadlines. And don't forget the infamous Elevator Person who rides up only one floor instead of taking the stairs.

Sign No. 8: Nobody communicates.

Although we live in a world of e-mail, cell phones, instant messages, Blackberries, WiFi and, yes, even face-to-face conversation, there can still be a complete lack of communication. Whether it's a co-worker who's not returning your voice mail or the CEO not conveying a company's goals and accomplishments, the breakdown of communication can be frustrating and detrimental to your job. It can cost you an account, make you to miss a deadline, cause you to lose a client, and even get you fired.

Sign No. 9: You're not valued.

Forty-three percent of workers do not feel appreciated, and one-fourth of workers feel that they are just a "number" within their organization. You need to realize that you deserve credit for your successes. Recognition is important, and good companies implement programs to let employees know they are valued. Is your company doing anything to reward your efforts? Do you ever receive bonuses, perks or positive feedback? If your boss has never heard of positive reinforcement verbal or otherwise, find a company that will value your talents.

Sign No. 10: You feel stifled.

What kind of quality of life do you have? Is your 40-hour week turning into a 24/7 grind? While salary may seem like the end all and be all, your quality of life determines your overall happiness. How much time you spend on the job, working conditions, supervisors and subordinates can positively and negatively impact your job outlook. If you dread the time you spent at work, it should be a clear indicator that it's time to break free. A job shouldn't stifle you creatively, mentally or physically.

Bottom line: Considering what you don't like about your current situation should give you insight into what you are seeking in future endeavors. If you know what your priorities and preferences are and actively seek them, work can be an enjoyable experience. If, however, you've answered yes to more than four of these signs, then you might want to get started on a new job search.

These Kids Today...

2008-07-30T18:54:00.000-07:00

Some call them Generation Y, I call them pompous, entitlement mongers who expect to jump over everyone else in their rise to the top.

Don't get me wrong. If you work hard and leapfrog over dead weight, more power to you. The problem I have is how these brats begin their careers with not only that expectation, but an attitude to match.

These folks are making a steady showing in the workplace but their presence also creates a new generation of problems. Recruitment and retention has to be more creative not only for the continuing labor shortage but to accommodate this new breed of babies.

Here are their main concerns:

How big is my office, does it have a window?
When and how large will my first raise be?
How long have you been in your job? (Trust me, you don't want my job and if stealing it is on your mind, I will hand it over faster than my car keys to a carjacker)
Which fruit bowl should I bring to meeting? Seriously, if anyone reading this regularly eats food in a meeting, STOP. Unless it is a working lunch, it's nasty watching someone eat, especially if they talk while eating.

How to spot one of these Gen Y folks:

They look young enough to still be riding a school bus.
They work their lives around their interests, not work or family. When I was pregnant, one of these types was hired. When she started, she asked me when I was starting my maternity leave. Apparently my large midsection didn't mesh with her idea of an ideal work environment. I now realize how seniors feel about people asking them when they are going to move into a senior community.
They act like they know everything and love to brag about all the opportunities they have gotten. My response? "Those are great opportunities when you are getting started. A perfect way to get your feet wet." Aren't I a bitch? They ask for it.
They are annoying little bundles of energy who bounce down halls proclaiming "Good Morning" at 7:00 a.m.
They love talking about how they go to the gym in the middle of the night before work.
They think they are going to rise to the top. While I admire their optimism, they have a lot to learn. Nothing replaces good old experience and they are lacking it. They remind me of those professors I had in college who really were professional students. I learned fairly quickly to take night classes so I could learn something from those with the ability to teach and do the job.
They act like they have a big secret. Of course this big secret is they believe everyone is in awe of them and without their presence, this place would be a sinking ship. While their spunk may energize an office and they are told they are doing "GREAT' in their careers, they have a long way to go. When the going gets tough, they are not at the top of the go-to list. Of course they don't see this because they are too busy eating a bowl of fruit.

I love sitting in team meetings with these fireballs. When a complex topic is raised and they are out of their league, I 'd love to put one of these children on the spot. Could I say, "Once Marcia stops eating, she can enlighten all of us."

Once in a while, one of them will "contribute to the conversation." It starts with a condescending giggle or eye roll that insinuates how easy the solution is. I love watching them spew out a oversimplified "fix" to a complex problem.

While I don't speak with the sole purpose of humiliating them, it's not difficult to have something worthwhile to contribute. After all, I am an experienced HR professional, right? A big factor in these scenarios is whether they tried to humiliate someone else to make themselves look better. It's a two for one. Teach them a lesson, solve the problem.

So, at those times, I throw out a few options (those of us in the experienced column realize there is seldom one option) and back it up with reasonable explanations.

Then I sit back, return the fruit-glazed glare from across the table, and feel a sense of accomplishment for the day.

Don't Mess with HR

2008-07-27T23:46:00.001-07:00

This might be the job for me...

It's Not a Related Duty.....

2008-07-15T19:11:00.000-07:00

Moochers. Don't you hate them? There are a couple of my coworkers with quite an annoying trait.

I already discussed my disdain for potlucks, but this is another issue entirely. Do you ever go out to lunch? Ask coworkers if they would like to join you? Do these coworkers then ask where you are going and ask you to bring something back?

Unfortunately, I have a couple of these mooching divas as coworkers.

I realize one logical conclusion could be that these coworkers simply don't want to go to lunch with me but they do this to everyone. Before you jump to conclusions and blame me for asking them, consider this.....

One of them used to go frequently so it seems reasonable she might go. The other one incessantly complains that she is never included so we ask her.

I don't mind picking something up once in a while but I am not your lunch cart. What tops this off is the twisted face I get when I say I am going somewhere they don't like. That takes some balls. So sorry to inconvenience you with my shitty lunch choice.

I don't ask anymore but while I am on the subject of annoying coworker behaviors, here is a list:

Personal friends at work who chat in offices/cubes for hours on end while others need them for a business reason. Taking this a step further, these people complain about how unfair it is for others to consider their personal friendship at work. Stop advertising it and maybe people will stop throwing it in your face.
Snappy, grumpy women who cannot be approached for fear of pissing them off. I approach anyway because I welcome the opportunity to get snapped at (actually because I am too busy to wait for the mood elevators to kick in).
Children. There is a never ending power struggle in my office between those with kids versus those who don't. Some with children use their children as excuses for particular schedules and those without don't want to have their lives impacted for someone else's kids. On the surface, it makes perfect sense but it's never that simple. Everyone has other responsibilities, however children are an easy target. At the same time, children should change your life, not your coworkers.

Cell phones. Don't leave your cell phone at your desk, with the ringer louder than a fire engine. You may want to consider the music you have as a ringer, too. No one wants to hear the Rocky theme or "Baby Got Back" at top volume at work. Inappropriate or just plain stupid, both annoy your coworkers.

People who don't take turns driving to seminars, lunches, etc. These people are first ones to ask who is driving or who can they go with, yet never offer to return the favor.

This is my quick list. Got any others?

Another Lesson

2008-07-13T18:32:00.000-07:00

I recently taught one of my coworkers not to underestimate me. Of course, in the frustrating, anonymous spirit of my blog, I can't provide all the gory details but I will try to capture the gist of it.

This particular woman is a southern spoiled brat who tries to order everyone around. I apologize to any southern belles who may read my blog but she is Scarlett O'Hara minus the charm and good looks.

Despite her attempts to appear confident, she is the most insecure person you'd ever meet. She loves to make conversation simply to dig for information and fails miserably at appearing to be subtle. I used to be guarded and keep the conversation very general but now I amuse myself with her.

For example, when she asks me if I heard about a big project on the horizon and lays it on thick about how I will probably be chosen to lead it because I am loved and adored by upper management, I egg her on. Her over the top compliments are really jealousy and a miserable attempt to flatter me into submission but she thinks it works.

She has been trying to be covert about keeping me out of a great opportunity. I made a preemptive strike with our HR Manager and got his blessing to get what I needed. Needless to say, she doesn't know how I figured out her plan AND took it a step further by getting his buy-in to include me. The look on her face was priceless.

On a side note, I will be applying for a job she tried to banter with me about a few weeks ago. I denied I was interested but now I think I will throw my hat in the ring. If I actually got it, she would have a nervous breakdown.

It's a Sick World After All

2008-06-30T02:28:00.000-07:00

Here are a few of the keywords that bring people to my blog. My thoughts follow:

pink lube (does the color matter?)

psychotic women (you came to the right place)

team building bullshit (yes it is)

preferential treatment to male employees (what's new?)

slip punishment (huh?)

my supervisor backstabs the boss (this surprises who?)

how to react to a pink slip (is there a step by step process out there?)

grow a pair of balls (no thanks)

my coworkers hate me, i havent done anything to anyone (yes you have and everyone in HR knows why)

seashell shaped placemats (not suitable for any home)

boss banging his secretary from behind (Picturing management in my company.....ewwww)

don't work solely on being liked; decide to be respected (wise move)

brothel (lol)

deliberately trying to get co-workers in trouble (the American way)

i am at a loss about my career growth (me too)

sexual harassment goaded (aren't they all)

as i learn to trust the universe, i no longer need to carry a gun (mental hospitals allow Internet access?)

my boss doesn't trust me to do my job (shocking)

cruel & unusual idiots (a blog for most of my coworkers)

sexual pink slip (I don't see a correlation but ok)

a good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.(Upper management mantra)

employee rules for blogging (don't get caught)

manager nepotism (oxymoron)

as i let go of my feelings of guilt, i am in touch with my inner sociopath. (another mental patient)

is it legal for a boss to discuss my potential firing with my co-worker (Legal and sadly expected)

is it bad karma to operate vending machines (Mental patient III)

what does seashells represent? (torture for me)

i honor my personality flaws, for without them, i would have no personality at all. (Teenager with angst)

Check it Out

2008-06-26T05:55:00.000-07:00

My name is in lights on Totally Consumed's blog.

Heaven or Hell

2008-06-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman."Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her."Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came to see her."So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her."I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her, smiled and said - "Yesterday we were recruiting you -- today you're an employee."

You Know You Work in HR When...

2008-06-19T06:04:00.001-07:00

You have your HR hat on, even when watching TV.

I was watching Criminal Minds last night. Every time I see Morgan and Garcia flirting, making inappropriate comments, etc., all I can think about is sexual harassment.

It gets worse. There are times when Hotch (the boss) can hear/see it. What happened to his duty to act?

Working Hard or Hardly Working

2008-06-18T10:01:00.000-07:00

I realize I am not the only person who has a few bad apples for coworkers. Considering all employees, if that was true, there wouldn't be a need for HR, right?

These days, the one at the top of my list is a completely incompetent, manipulative twit who barely manages to function on a daily basis.

In my experience, incompetent deadbeats who happen to have "HR" in their title are assumed to be highly functioning professionals. Many employees outside of HR believe HR employees are untouchable. At my esteemed place of employment, this is true.

At least for the bad ones...

You can set the tone for minimal expectations and get away with it. Those of us who consistently perform at a high level and continue to take on more responsibility are idiots. If my performance started to dwindle, I have no doubt it would be discussed rather quickly. The term to describe this phenomenon is professional punishment.

Taking it a step further, these employees do more (or less) than fail to perform. They actually make significant mistakes, fail to meet deadlines, and depend so much on their coworkers (me) to do their job, that an expectation has now been set.

Before you start believing I am a sucker who can't say no, keep reading.

This started because my coworker was new. One of those new people who most of my other coworkers realized wasn't suited for this job. After a couple of years, she hasn't grown into her position. Here is a general breakdown of her ineptitude:

Recruiting: She struggles to manage her recruitments and often whines to our supervisor about her workload (which is minimal) until she gets help. She is not beyond crying to get her way.

Compensation: She frequently plagiarizes the work of others. While I am not a fan of reinventing the wheel, well .......... you get the point.

Employee Relations: She often makes a situation worse because she doesn't like ER. Doesn't like it? I didn't realize we were paid to only do the things we like but what do I know?

Committees: Unless you considering being a note taker extraordinaire a skill, she doesn't contribute.

Meetings with her customers: She cannot go alone. When I am asked to go, I used to help her, tried to let her lead the meeting, but not anymore. Really, I don't sabotage her but everyone's time is valuable and it is embarrassing to watch. When she freezes up (about 60 seconds into the meeting), I deal with the issues. She doesn't seem to care about appearing to be my note taking assistant when dealing with HER customers.

EEO/AA: "I don't like to get involved in things that could get me sued." Direct quote. Wrong job field don't you think?

Special Projects: What year would you like it completed in? Can you provide her with step by step instructions? Does it include the ability to perform any type of analysis? Do you mind waiting until Hell freezes over?

Communication: If she doesn't like an employee or manager, she either gets snippy with them or avoids them like the plague. If a problem arises (obviously it does), she cries. Cries about how mean or unreasonable they are. The result? A big meeting with our boss and management in the department the mean employee/manager works in. The result of these meetings? The official answer is process improvement and a commitment to improve communication (hug hug, kiss kiss). The reality? The department loses a little more respect for HR as a group. This happens in cycles, then things calm down for a while until the next problem.

At this point, the department calls me when they need something because I am not a whining, incompetent, passive-aggressive little girl who hides behind her supervisor.

I cannot stop helping other departments entirely because they are customers. They have needs and THAT is my job. My coworker makes all of us look bad. It is not easy to accept when I work very hard to be approachable, strategic, and work in partnership with my departments.

I have addressed this with my supervisor numerous times. She doesn't follow through. Our HR Manager (Mr. Shit4Brains) knows about this but chooses not to deal with it.

Employees have been telling me for years that accountability decreases as you move up the corporate ladder. For some people (like the HR management team at my company), this is true.

Anyone else care to share their HR coworker horror stories?

Secrets

2008-06-15T23:55:00.000-07:00

The latest topic in a few HR blogs is whether to blog anonymously or with your name right out there. Of course I am anonymous because the content of my blog would get me fired or at least destroy any hope I have of ruling the HR world.

Anyway, here are a few things I do in my efforts to stay under the radar:

I wear a pair of pantyhose over my head when I blog to avoid being recognized. Do you believe that? I worry about you if you do. You might be as stupid as some of my coworkers if you were buying it.

I don't use my name. Believe it or not, people don't really call me Ms. Pink Slip. I may be called names other than my own but I can't speculate.

I don't mention my location. For all anyone knows, I could be blogging from a bunker in Montana. I actually use AOL when reading other blogs because AOL's browser shows AOL's server location, not mine. I realize this may be a little paranoid but I didn't bust my ass in graduate school to screw it up online. I laugh at such employees while handling their dismissals.

I change little details in my stories. The seashells weren't really seashells but the rest is fairly accurate. The general idea is accurate and that is what matters. I have asked a couple of my coworkers who read my blog if I captured the essence of the moment and they agreed.

I don't discuss my personal life. No one cares and I don't feel comfortable blogging about my friends and family. They also have enough stories to be the source of another ranting blog but I have to draw the line somewhere.

No one would believe I would blog about my job. While I am not a certifiable Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, I definitely have a work persona. At work, I am patient, professional, and competent. While people with those traits can and do blog, it's the lunatics who make it obvious who get in hot water. Nude photos, stories about the CEO, etc. I don't go that far. Well, unless someone wants a nude photo. A photo of me with the CEO? Nude? Anyone? I didn't think so.

I approve comments before they are published. My worst nightmare would be to log on and see, "Hey (insert my name), wait until the CEO at (insert company) sees this. " I realize the chances of this are equal to me getting struck by lightning but I have that kind of luck.

So, if I get struck by lightning and someone meaningful (i.e., possesses the ability to fire me or generally make my life a living hell) realizes this blog is mine, what will I do?

Nothing.

As any solid HR professional knows, without proof you can't do anything. Come to think of it, even with proof employees don't get fired. Blackmail? That's where the nude photos come in.

1943 Guide to Hiring Women

2008-06-12T14:29:00.001-07:00

I have had this for a quite a few years but I am interested in thoughts from my readers. Could you imagine if this was still allowed today? I have found some of the stereotypes to be true in the workplace today but that is another story.

The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the workforce during World War II.

Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5. Stress at the outset the importance of time; the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.

Potluck or Shit out of Luck?

2008-06-01T11:51:00.000-07:00

I hate potlucks. They actually stress me out.

I don't like most of my coworkers so breaking bread with them is not at the top of my list.

But, that's not the main issue.

Over time, a person (actually me) tends to notice who doesn't wash their hands in the bathroom. These "types" tend to pick their noses, scrape their teeth with their fingers, or other equally disgusting behaviors that clearly explain the germ factor in the workplace.

On a side note, I have been shocked a few times when the identity of these people has come to pass. With obvious exceptions, the coworkers I have who appear to shower and iron their clothes......the worst.

I digress.....

So, when such a person shows up at another company potluck luncheon with dip, cookies, or salad which they proudly proclaim as made with their own two hands, I tend to shudder.

Is it just me?

I go for the lunch meat or hot dishes. Yeah, I realize the horror stories of Listeria and am also quite versed in how hair and other items get introduced to hot dishes but what else can I do?

Picture this......I walk into a potluck with my own brown bag lunch, complete with a set a disposable silverware. I wish I had the guts.

All I want is for my coworkers to be hygienic. Unfortunately, there is no easy way say, "You're a pig and I can't imagine where your fingers were before they went into that salad."

It's not "politically correct."

Who is really the rude one? Me for expecting clean food or them for their failure to wash their hands after using the bathroom.

Inevitably I am one of those coworkers who appears to be a picky eater or one who doesn't like to eat a lot in front of others.

So, next time you are at one of those potlucks and hear someone asking, "Who made that?" don't assume they want the recipe or want to compliment you. I use that line to determine whether I am willing to take a chance on the food.

Don't even get me started on double-dippers.

Best "Out of Office" Automatic e-mail Replies

2008-06-01T11:24:00.000-07:00

Someone sent me these a while ago. I laughed out loud while reading most of them. I hope you enjoy:

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

I am currently away from my desk, beating my head against the wall. Your message will be replied to once I have reached a level of numbness sufficient to cloud my vision to the point I am able to formulate an appropriate response to your request.

I've run away to join a different circus.

I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Bob.'

My personal favorites are the ones about management and the circus.

Some lead...Some follow.... I laugh....

2008-05-28T10:11:00.000-07:00

I have lost most of my readers so it's hard to muster up the effort to keep this blog going but I am back again.

My HR Manager, aka Mr. Shit4Brains, is still making strides towards a lawsuit or two. My direct supervisor is still totally ineffective and most of my coworkers are still hopelessly inept.

So what's new? I now look for a new job weekly versus looking out of curiosity. It's a shame because the opportunities used to be here. Of course Mr. Shit4Brains ruined that. It amuses me listening to some HR employees who actually are intimidated by him. They haven't been around long enough to realize he has very little HR knowledge or expertise.

When are his numerous bad decisions going to catch up to him? Where is the karma?

I would prefer to be in an environment surrounded by top notch professionals. So, if that fantasy can't come true, can't I at least have the pleasure of watching them crash and burn?

I will have a few good stories about bad employees coming soon. Those will be more amusing than Mr. Shit4Brains.

Songs

2008-02-28T20:14:00.001-08:00

Here's my list of song titles to describe the work environment:

The Bitch is Back. This one applies to numerous people. I think everyone can relate.
I Touch Myself. I often hum this one when I think of employees who are prone to a taking nude photos of themselves then store said photos on their work computer.
I Say A Little Prayer for You. Actually it is for me but you get the idea.
Welcome to the Jungle. Presidential candidates choose appropriate songs to capture their campaigns, so why wouldn't my HR Manager follow suit?
I Will Survive. Helps me make it through the day.
Janie's Got a Gun. Not me but I can't say the same for other employees. Not funny huh? Actually it is.
Take this Job and Shove It. Isn't this really the dream of every employee? If I ever get the opportunity to say it, I will also tell Mr. Shit4Brains where he can shove it.....in nauseating detail.

Check out this video. It made my night.

I've Lost that Loving Feeling

2008-02-27T20:41:00.000-08:00

I am at a low point in my career. Morale tends to have peaks and valleys but this is different. This valley is full of quicksand and I am getting tired of trying to claw my way out.

Sadly, this has very little to do with my job duties.

This all stems from management or the lack of. The new HR Manager we have is literally running the place into the ground. While it may seem to the casual observer that the result will be his exit but I don't think so.

As I mentioned before, he is a tool for upper management. That being said, I don't think upper management cares that he is incompetent as long as he plays his role as their mole.

Does this shock me? Frankly no but it is demoralizing. It's very difficult to be in the trenches, trying to make HR seem valuable, with this kind of behavior going on. Of course, like sheep, everyone down the chain has jumped on this train to hell.

My boss has shown that her ethics are for sale to the highest bidder. Afterall, isn't career growth measured by new title and a higher salary? If only it were that simple.

I work in HR because I can be the middleman between employees and management. Those who don't work in HR probably don't realize how much we can do for you but it takes a lot of support from upper management to let us do that.

It would not be possible for me to work in an environment where HR was solely an advocate for management. This transformation has happened to my department. I want to believe this can't last and keep going along, fighting the good fight but how long can I last?

Forget advocacy. This has become HR playing the role of the hit man for management. It's so far beyond dirty and downright unethical that making it through the day is a struggle.

So far I have managed to stay out of the filth but it doesn't leave me many options for the things I want to do. Real things that can make a difference in the employee relations realm are not priorities for HR's management or upper management.

This brings me to my career growth. Previously, my satisfaction with my job relied heavily on the autonomy I was given.

Now, what appears to be autonomy is really misapplied accountability. Translation? "Let me treat you like a toddler on a leash yet hold you responsible for mistakes HR's management team makes in their vain attempts to tread water."

It will take a couple of suicides or workplace violence episodes to wake anyone up. Even if those things did happen, they wouldn't care. More lip service would ensue. If someone does decide to bring a gun to work, I wouldn't be surprised if they headed straight to HR. .

Thankfully most work shooters have targets. I don't think I am at the top of a hit list. Sad when that is the bright side of things, huh?.

Would you like some lube with that?

2008-02-23T23:41:00.000-08:00

The interesting thing about getting screwed over by your boss is how it happens. You don't receive a memo or email announcing the impending knife in your back. Still, it amazes me how stupid my boss can be and how cowardly she reacts when confronted.

Before I continue, let's go back to the good old days of geometry for a few givens of the workplace.

Know you will be screwed. It's not a matter of luck, it will happen. You may be able to control how bad it is and how you react, but accept that someone (almost everyone) will attempt to screw you over.
Your boss is not to be trusted. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Enough said?
Along the lines of above, don't trust your coworkers. They don't care. Many people operate under the assumption that all's fair in love and war AND work. While you don't have to perpetuate that, you need to realize others operate that way. Once in a while, you can meet someone who can be a good friend (I have a couple of those) but they are freak (like my friends) occurrences.
Realize everyone does not share your work ethic, sense of morality, or definition of friendship.
Don't take things personally. Of course that is easier said than done but you can't take work relationships seriously if you plan to survive 40 years of working. You will be mental in no time. I am not advocating hugs and kisses in the workplace, but you shouldn't waste time or energy evaluating why people don't like you or why this happened to such a great person like yourself. Nope, strategically retaliate and vow to protect yourself better in the future. Soon enough, people will learn not to screw with you.
People have a vested interest in making you look worse in an attempt to make themselves look better. Don't do this. While you may suceed a couple of times, realize you will be found out and be hated for the rest of your career. Even if you appear to be valued, it is really for being a snitch or a gossip. No one respects you.
Speaking of respect, it is true that you need to decide whether you want to be liked or respected. While you may end up being liked, at work you have to be respected first. Those who are only liked get bent over first.
Documentation might save your ass. If you don't save emails, document conversations, and follow up, you are practically dropping your pants and grabbing your ankles.

If anyone remembers anything I ever wrote, remember this.....you have to watch your back all the time at work. You will never last, nevermind be successful, if you don't. I am not talking about paranoid fantasies day in and day out. No, but you need to realize work is a big game. As I have written before, it is a chess game. You are on the board and unless you want to be pushed off, you better watch all the action and your back.

Speaking of fantasies, if I could map out my way to make a million, it would be by writing a book about being strategic at work. Of course, being an HR professional, the expectation would be that I mean strategic planning, thinking, and change. If only it were that simple.

I mean being strategic about your work persona. You need one. You can't be "you" at work. If you are the same person at work as you are at home, you will be the first one screwed. Being yourself is like leaving your front door unlocked and then crying about your house being burglarized. You can't share personal things, let people (especially your boss) know you are living paycheck to paycheck, or anything else that exposes a weakness.

But I digress.....

It may be a bit confusing after everything I wrote that my boss attempted backstab me. While I wasn't completely shocked, it does amaze me the depths that some people are willing to sink when don't have the skills or balls to do their jobs. Suffice it to say that while she wasn't deliberately trying to screw me, she did attempt to use me as an excuse to address another issue instead of dealing with it head-on.

Aside from the fact that being aware doesn't mean it can't happen, it was a combination of an act of God and karma that led to the revelation of my boss's attempt.

After some consultation with trusted advisers, I quickly struck back in a manner that let her know I knew without having a bad confrontation. In fact, I may have actually come out ahead by taking advantage of the situation to get something for me. We'll see. Regardless, I do enjoy listening to someone squirm who tried to screw me over.

Headed for Trouble

2008-02-04T20:18:00.000-08:00

No, I haven't written a book but I have found the perfect one to read.

Mr. Shit4Brains, the new HR Manager, continued his descend of self-destruction so I have to cherish the moment.

He has a huge presentation to the CEO coming up. Of course, a smart manager would utilize the resources and expertise he has at this disposal, right?

Wrong! He has made the mistake of believing his own bullshit. Add to that the bullshit those who kiss his ass heap on and he's got himself quite a pile. A pile of useless, ridiculous shit.

I LOVE IT!

Keep it up, I say. If he didn't continually make a fool out of himself, how would I make it through the day?

There are a couple of us who actually know what we are talking about and have tried to help him. He simply cannot look beyond his own ego to listen. If he would listen to the why in an explanation and try to comprehend it, he might stand a chance.

That would be too easy.

Honestly, I believe he is so used to bullshitting and getting away with it that he doesn't realize he has run out of material. Critical errors surround him like the pack of idiots he has helping him.

Management error ---Don't assume titles make a person valuable. He should realize the people in question got into their positions through BS, sexual favors, or simple luck. Trust me, expertise was not in the mix.

Oh well, I will lay my weary head down tonight relishing the fact that I have a front row seat to the fiasco coming later this week.

Too bad I won't have a camera.

Resurrected.........Again

2008-02-01T23:35:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of my blog, life at work is pissing me off. We have a new HR Manager who is nothing short of a complete ass. He knows nothing, makes poor decisions, and treats everyone like they are a toddler.

How does this happen? While the concept of having a job I am not qualified for does not appeal to me, the paycheck does. Minions can get by and know very little, but how do people get high level jobs and lack common sense?

Back to the ass.......

Aside from being a company "yes" man (ass kissing largely explains his success), he is a "we" man.

"How are WE doing on that project?" What I want to say is, "You mean ME and I haven't done shit because your projects are subject to change from moment to moment."

And change they do. Scary part is that I don't hear that the focus has changed or the whole project has been scrapped from him. Oh no, it comes through the grapevine or in passing.

Another thing he says that makes me want to rip his head off? Instead of asking, "How are you today?" he says, "And how is Ms. Pinkskip today?" Fucker. The worst part is how he says it. Huge smile on his face, all appearances a friendly greeting, yet it smacks of condescension.

Before anyone gets the wrong idea, my judgement is not based on wanting his job. No thanks! Is it wrong of me to want a competent manager? It's embarrassing to our entire department to have this so-called leader.

Common sense would lead me to believe he would utilize the expertise of his staff. You know, rip off all the good ideas and present them as his own. While he does dabble in this behavior, he truly doesn't know enough about HR to take full advantage of the opportunity to do this.

Even when something is explained to him, he thinks he knows and makes ridiculous decisions. It's getting harder to avoid an obvious reaction to these decisions. These include laughing, fainting, or vomiting.

Most people have experienced situations with an embarrassing family member, friend, or coworker. How much credibility can the HR staff maintain with Mr. Shit4Brains at the helm?

That is the worst part. Those of us with a strong work ethic who are essentially screwed by association.

I am patiently waiting for his demise. I believe he is merely a tool (in more ways than one) for upper management to use and dispose of. In the meantime, the size of his head and my disbelief increase daily.

Trying Again

2007-08-09T22:30:00.000-07:00

Does anyone still bother reading my blog? It has been so long since I posted anything new, so I would be very surprised.

Anyway, things are still busy. I am still surrounded by complete idiots who manage to find new ways to annoy me. At the same time, I continue to enjoy watching the lunancy on the sidelines while laughing with those I trust.

The latest?

We are getting a new manager. The last one had a tendency to make his staff endure ridiculous teambuilding activities. While I can now look back and laugh, they were so horrific that I considered serious illness a better alternative to my attendance.

We don't currently have a manager, but I feel fairly certain that the new one will be a source of many future rants in my blog.

On a side note, I have noticed I am not the only one who has abandoned my blog. Virtually every one I read is on hiatus.

Why Work?

2007-02-13T10:10:00.001-08:00

Why do I work?

Aside from the obvious .....money, is there really a point?

When I was in high school, I had grandiose plans for changing the world. Yep, I would put my plan into action in college and then my life would really start when I graduated.

Fast forward a a decade and reality has set in. I won't be changing the world, I won't make a million, and I won't feel a profound sense of accomplishment.

If parents and professors were honest, here is the reality they would tell kids at 18:

You probably won't like working.
You will get stuck working for and around people you despise.
You will never believe you are paid your worth.
Cheaters DO prosper.
All's fair in love and war ......... and work.
The line between having a career and a job is short.
That pain in your back isn't aging. It's a knife. Maybe several.
While you can avoid becoming an ass-kisser, you won't avoid having to be nice to assholes.

Back from the Dead

2007-01-10T10:47:00.000-08:00

Surely no one reads my blog anymore since I abandoned it. Regardless, I thought it was time to provide a quick synopis of the past couple of months and reaffirm my commitment to blogging more often.

Here is the Reader's Digest version of my life:

I was offered a new job. Great opportunity, potential for more money, etc. It may not make sense, but it wasn't the right time. Right job, wrong time, damn. I did manage to secure more money in my current job to keep me. Still a victory.
Work is killing me. Too much to do, too little help, etc. If I was paid hourly, I could retire in five years based on the hours I am keeping.
I had to suffer through another department-wide meeting. I knew it was coming since we have to savor our so-called successes of the past year. More details will follow in a future post detailing the agony of that meeting.
The holidays and extended family. At least prison only allows you one visitor at a time. Need I say more?

Is Three a Magic Number?

2006-11-07T18:57:00.000-08:00

Is it true that good (and bad) things happen in threes? The results of a previous post, My Chess Board, have finally come to fruition. As I mentioned in that entry, a coworker reaped a few of her own benefits.

Now, just as the news I was waiting for finally came through, another coworker is seeing a potential opportunity that came out of nowhere.

While I have learned to expect the unexpected (lesson from Big Brother), is it really true that things happen in threes? What do you think?

While you are pondering this concept, feel free to enjoy a little flashback from Schoolhouse Rock.

Is It Just Me?

2006-10-19T08:02:00.000-07:00

Am I the only person who has coworkers who don't work?

I actually have coworkers who don't show up for work or are known to disappear for hours at a time. They leave the lights on in their office to create an appearance of being there. They complain about being so busy yet never do their jobs.

Aren't these the people who are supposed to be fired?

I wish I had the guts to put posters around the office like this......

MISSING! BIG REWARD!

DOB: 29 again
Missing: All the time
Sex: With everyone
Hair: Bad dye job
Eyes: Never open
Missing From: Work
Last Seen: Payday

The reward doesn't need to be money. I would settle for watching these slackers being escorted out of the building.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

2006-10-10T18:40:00.000-07:00

If anyone ever takes up a collection for me, it should be for a gag.

While I can bullshit with the best of them, I also have a tendency to speak too much of the truth when tired, aggravated, or generally pissed off. Of course, this isn't a good thing most of the time.

Case in point was today. A coworker was talking about something that annoyed me. My reaction should have been "Who cares?"

That would have been too easy.

Instead, I shot off a sarcastic comment about a third party that, while evasive, was fairly cutting.

Not only do I feel like a complete ass, I also gave her something to think about with the comment.

So much for my cunning strategy.

My Chess board

2006-09-26T18:58:00.000-07:00

I know this is totally evasive and somewhat narcissistic, but let me have my moment.

Work is a chess game requiring a lot of strategy.

I finally put mine into high gear and thankfully it is paying off.

Isn't it funny how things have a way of coming together when you least expect it yet in such a way as to benefit you the most?

It feels good to be the Queen. I am also sharing this honor with a coworker. She wasn't expecting it either yet it all came together.

Checkmate

Supervisory Incompetence

2006-09-13T09:13:00.000-07:00

How do bad supervisors keep their jobs? When you mention a bad supervisor, people tend to think of those who scream, the tyrants.

What I am referring to is the majority of supervisors today. These are the supervisors who collect a bigger paycheck, have a title, and do little else. Here is a list of characteristics these so-called supervisors share:

Appear sympathetic to concerns yet don't act on them.
Love to throw their title around.
Act like they are everyone's boss.
Tend to shut the door to their office to have long personal phone conversations.
Wait for opportunities to screw employees over in the name of "supervisory responsibility."

Round them all up and fire them all! Of course this won't happen but let me dream.

On a side note, people who talk on their cell phones while driving deserve to be shot. Have a nice day!

Tagged

2006-09-08T18:10:00.000-07:00

I promise I will have a new post soon, but in the meantime, I was tagged by Middle Manager so here goes:

Three people who make me laugh:

Kenny
My coworker/partner in crime who reads this blog
Any woman with huge fake boobs

Three things I can do:

Bullshit just about anyone
Detect bullshit
Function on minimal sleep

Three things I can’t do:

Fly the space shuttle
Drive a car with a manual transmission
Kiss ass

Three things I’m doing right now:

Watching tv
Trying to kill a fly
Breathing

Three things I want to do before I die:

Travel all over the world
Skydive
Win the lottery

Three things I hate the most:

Liars
Mushrooms
Diet soda

Three things that scare me:

Spiders
Losing my family
Big Brother not being renewed one of these years

Three things I don’t understand:

Child abuse
Animal abuse
Why I am not rich

Three skills I’d like to learn:

How to play craps
How to forgive (just kidding)
How to drive a manual transmission

Three ways to describe my personality:

Determined
Humorous
Vengeful

Three things I think you should listen to:

Me
Myself
I

Things you should never listen to:

The majority of my coworkers
The majority of my family
Religious fanatics

Three favorite foods:

Pizza
Hamburgers
Cookies

Three beverages I drink regularly:

Soda
Juice
Water

Three shows I watched as a kid:

Different strokes
The Brady Bunch
Name that Tune

Loyalty?

2006-08-23T18:22:00.000-07:00

Whatever happened to loyalty and real teamwork? People throw around "teamwork" but few actually demonstrate it.

We had a little scenario at work that illustrates my point exactly. A member of our group was attacked by an outside department. Big shocker? No but what pissed me off was that this complaint was given to another member of the group who basically sold her coworker out. Oh well, it it's not about her, why bother defending another coworker. I only have on word to describe my feelings on this. BITCH!

While it was not me that was stabbed in the back, I am impacted because this tells me a lot about trust. Sadly, this stupid bitch doesn't even realize there is something wrong with this. She will find out and it won't be pretty. Coworkers have a way of making like bearable or miserable.

I wish these situations didn't happen. At the same time, I do enjoy watching vengence at it's best. Batter up!

Nasty Information

2006-08-09T18:07:00.000-07:00

This is completely off topic for me but I was so shocked I had to mention it. A friend and I were talking about the nastiest things we have found on the Internet. I am not talking about porn or beastiality here. These are things that are meant to be informative but are really more information that anyone needs to know.

Case in point, the Bristol Stool Scale. Who knew there are seven types of poop? Of course I couldn't mention this and not include the scale.

Nurses really don't earn enough money if they are expected to use the scale on their patients.

After this topic, anyone who reads my blog will be begging me to talk about my crazy workplace.

Big Brother No Stars

2006-07-28T18:59:00.000-07:00

I am a Big Brother addict. This season is an all star cast so it has been enjoyable. I was watching it the other night and realized there are employees at my company who could be on this show. Of course it would need to be called "Big Brother No Stars" but it would still be amusing.

The whole idea of plotting against people you are stuck with makes it comparable to work. We don't get to choose our coworkers, right?

Here is my list of how work is like Big Brother:

Alliances. Choosing a good one is the difference between winning at Big Brother and work. If you don't think there are alliances at work, you must be self-employed. This is the difficulty when starting a new job...figuring out who is aligned with who. While I wish they weren't necessary, I do have a few alliances. These are people I know I can depend on to brainstorm with. They know who they are and a couple read my blog.
Crappy food. The food options at my company are horrible. Basically vending machines full of fat and calories. There is a direct correlation between my job and the size of my ass. On Big Brother, some of the houseguests have to eat slop. Slop is what we have for our biannual department meetings.
Manipulative women. I used to believe women got a bad rap for being manipulative. Then I started working. Women are the worst people to work with. They are petty, underhanded, catty, and downright nasty at times. I should have chosen a male-dominated profession. Big Brother is full of manipulation but at least you can win $500,000 for your trouble. If I could make that kind of money for three months of work, I would jump at it.
Surprises. The motto of Big Brother is "Expect the Unexpected." This should be the screensaver of every computer in Corporate America. Just when you think you know what is coming, something (or someone) knocks you on your ass.
Sleeping arrangements. On Big Brother, the contestants sleep in the same room and often, the same bed. Offices are becoming rare these days so welcome to the maze called cubeland.
Competition. Teamwork is a misnomer. While you can work with a team and be a productive member of it, everything IS a competition of sorts. If you don't realize work is a chessboard you are constantly moving on, you will find yourself knocked off before you can say "Checkmate."

In closing, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Also, if you drive in the fast lane and are passed by more than one car, I hope your transmission falls out.

Resurrected

2006-07-03T21:45:00.000-07:00

Sorry for my absence. Contrary to popular belief (my email), I did not die.

Getting away (briefly) from my horrible yet amusing work stories, I saw an interesting thing today. Now it may not be interesting to anyone else, but it did impact my day.

I was getting a pedicure (exciting huh?). This was a family-run place that hasn't been open very long. I was sitting there when one of the women came over near me. A man who worked there turned around, looked at her, and winked.

I know it sounds strange, but there are ways of winking at someone that can be very different. This time, I could tell it was genuine and said a lot of things.

Watching people is a pastime of mine and I am always amazed at how much people communicate without speaking.

His wink was acknowledgement, reassurance, and love, all wrapped together. Do I know that? No, but it was obvious.

There a times in life you don't forget. For some reason, I won't forget seeing that.

Sometimes it's that simple.

See what happens when I try to relax?

Grow a Pair

2006-06-18T05:08:00.000-07:00

Why is it that those who whine seem to prosper? At my company, there is an odd phenomena that gives a neverending audience to whiners.

These are the people who find things (or people) to complain about. They manage to convince someone that they are the wronged party.

Why is this tolerated from some but not others? It is usually the boy who cried wolf who gets away with it.

I have a radar for manipulative people. Yes indeed, I can spot them from a mile away.

My theory is that these people either have great blackmail material or have simply programmed management to expect this kind of behavior from them.

Is either acceptable? The result of this tolerance is pissed off employees.

If you haven't guessed, I am one of those pissed off employees.

I don't want to drone on like a professor in a philosophy class, but what has happened to accountability? Why do we spend our lives being told we need to grow into responsible adults only to find a job and be surrounded by pseudo-adults who act like toddlers?

I am tired of it. I am tired of stereotyping that creates an expectation of unequal behavior....some are accountable, some just show up. While this is going on, both are paid the same. While I support equal pay for equal work, the incessant whining of some means very little work is being done.

Some may say a pay for performance system would fix this problem, but like any problem, there has to be acknowledgement that a problem exists. This is missing in my company.

Let's just say an employee was motivated to speak out (bitch, rant and rave, etc.) about the tolerance of this behavior. The result would be that management has an open door policy so hearing the concerns of employees comes with the territory. Furthermore, the employee who couldn't take it anymore would be seen as a troublemaker. Why would anyone stick their neck out for that?

It is obvious this would be the reaction because management is aware that they pick and choose the idiotic rantings they entertain. How do I know this? Because it continues.

In meetings to discuss these "concerns" raised by whiners, management looks slightly embarrassed to be discussing these issues. While I don't care how much time management spends listening to his crap, I do care when I have to spend my time sitting in meetings as a result of it.

Generally, I am not a specific target of whiners. I believe it is because I make it pretty clear that I will deal with it. I bite when provoked....hard! Regardless, there are times I am impacted simply because I work there. Policies are changed, allegiances are formed, and a hostile work environment ensues.

My response? Grow a pair and tell the whiners to shut up and do their real jobs. Of course this response is only shared with coworkers or my inner self. I actually have shared my response to management but of course I can't name names. I speak in broad terms related to organizational issues and they nod their heads like it all makes sense. Of course it does. Why don't you try executing it?

I'd settle for executing these types of employees but that doesn't fall into my job duties.

The problem with balls is that management tends to use them at the wrong time. Maybe I should become a consultant and offer a management class entitled "How to Use Your Balls Effectively."

Brothel or Business?

2006-06-07T17:43:00.000-07:00

There are a few women at my company who dress like whores. While the appropriateness of sexy clothing in the workplace could be debated until the end of time, this is something entirely different.

What I am referring to is women, in upper management, who must have afterhours jobs in a brothel. I would love to have an excuse to take pictures of these women to demonstrate my point but, as I have said before, I am not looking to get fired.

Picture this....

40 something women in mini-skirts who have difficulty walking because their skirts are so tight.

If they could bend over, a porno could be filmed immediately.

In some cases, add to this picture a bad boob job, 80's hair, and too much make-up.

Not pretty is it?

I need a vacation.

Translations

2006-05-25T22:48:00.000-07:00

I am tired and can't think of a good topic so here is a list of the qualities companies are looking for, what applicants list as skills, and what all of it really means.

Apply in Person: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

Career-Minded: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Casual Work Atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Duties will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

I am Adaptable: I've changed jobs a lot.

I am On the Go: I'm never at my desk.

I Take Pride in my Work: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'm Extremely Adept at all Manner of Office Organization: I've used Microsoft Office.

I'm Extremely Professional: I carry a Day-Timer.

I'm Honest, Hard-Working and Dependable: I pilfer office supplies.

I'm Personable: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

Join our Fast-Paced Company: We have no time to train you.

Must be Deadline Oriented: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Must have an Eye for Detail: We have no quality control.

My Pertinent Work Experience Includes: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

No Phone Calls Please: We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Problem-Solving Skills a Must: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Requires Team Leadership Skills: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Rude

2006-05-23T18:09:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been encountering extremely rude people. Did I miss the mass mailing for classes on this behavior? What happened to treating others as you want to be treated? Apparently that went out with VCRs.

The first example of this is holding doors open. I hold doors open for people. Lately, I am getting no response for my effort. Although I do not dress like a doorman, I am apparently confused for one.

Women are the worst at this. I would like to yank their ponytail out of their head while pulling them back out the door. I have said, "You're welcome" yet I have never gotten a response. I would like one of them to say something in response to me calling them on their rude behavior but so far I have been deprived of the confrontation.

One can only hope.

The next is my road rage. I have been diagnosed as suffering/perpetuating road rage by nearly every person who has ridden in my car. Like many other fine drivers, I have been driven to this illness by idiots on the road.

Perfect example was today. I was driving along when I realized there was a broken down bus in my lane. Would someone let me merge into next lane? Oh no. Would these idiots prefer to be in my lane? It's not like I am asking them to slam on their brakes to let me in.

I am not one of these people who drives in a lane I know has an accident, obstruction, or bus just to pass everyone. Shit happens people so why not be part of the solution versus being an asshole? All that gets you is my horn and a psychotic look when I catch up to you.

This behavior tends to scare my passengers so have a heart.

Psychotic Women

2006-05-17T20:14:00.000-07:00

What is the problem with women? Being one, it may sound odd for me to criticize other women but they tend to get on my nerves.

There is one woman in particular in upper management at my company who runs around like a chicken with her head cut off whenever she gets stressed.

Silly me thought effective managers realize they need to trust employees they delegate projects to. Instead, this woman runs around questioning everything and expects to hear all the details of projects she wasn't involved in on a daily basis. Instead of solving problems, all this does is create chaos.

It also pisses people off.

When I see this woman act like this, two thoughts come to mind. First, any shred of respect I had for her disappears immediately. Second, I'd like to smack her....hard.

Horribly inappropriate (and potentially illegal) comment ahead....

If menopausal hags can't keep it together, they should retire.

The Bitch is Back

2006-05-16T17:36:00.000-07:00

While that is the title of an Elton John song, I am referring to a woman in my office. She was working in another department for almost a year but she is back.

It was like a honeymoon when she was gone. The stress level in the office was less... I could actually feel it. So now she is back and so it the palpable stress in the office.

Here is her general MO:

This is a woman who loves to boss everyone around. It is not unusual to have to tell others what she thinks they should be doing.
She thinks she knows how to do the job of everyone in my department and isn't afraid to say so. She repeatedly questions how people do their job and chimes in frequently about things she doesn't know jack about.
She doesn't supervise any of the employees mentioned above.
She is prone to emotional outbursts of "Nobody appreciates me."
She is known throughout the company as a nasty shrew so the chances of her leaving are slim to none.
Personal hygiene is NOT on the top of her list.
Upper management knows her MO yet does nothing about it. Somebody please tell me why.

I have found myself humming "The Bitch is Back" when she walks by. I will probably end up in sensitivity training. At least she can do my job while I am gone.

Bad Karma?

2006-05-10T09:13:00.000-07:00

Driving home yesterday, I pulled a Fabio with my car.

Yes, I have committed the ultimate sin of murder.

I was driving down a two lane road. Two birds were sitting in the other lane. When the car in the other lane approached them, they flew into my lane and BAM!

I didn't see anything in my mirror but of course it sounded like one of them probably got propelled to the next city.

Thankfully I didn't have any bird remnants on my car. I still felt bad.

At least it over quickly. And the bird's friend had quite a story to tell.

I wonder if they have post-traumatic syndrome counseling for the bird community. Something to help survivors cope.

I am going to hell.

Confession Time

2006-05-09T10:16:00.000-07:00

What makes you decide what blogs to read?

The blogs I read tend to have something in common. Not the topic, but that the authors are good writers. If you look at the blogs I have listed, most of them are about very different things. Most of them are interesting writers who make me laugh or tell a story in such a way that I want to go back to see how things are progressing.

I have noticed many people tend to have links to other blogs that share themes with them while others (like me) have links to many different things.

Along those lines, what makes someone add a link to their page? I add what I read. It makes it easier for me to get to the blogs and hopefully encourages others to read them since I think they are worth reading.

I have been wondering if some people add links to their blog out of pity or mutual respect (I linked you, so you link me). I don't have that expectation but would like to know if others do.

Ever see a blog with tons of comments and wonder why people think it's so great? There is one in particular that is very popular that is ok, but I don't see the cult-following allure others see.

Confess!

"We're Gonna Make Our Dreams Come True"

2006-05-08T19:55:00.000-07:00

Would you be willing to give up the credibility and respect you may have to carry someone else?

This is a reality in many situations at work, but one pair in particular stands out.

This pair is two men who are as thick as thieves. Mutt and Jeff. Laurel and Hardy. Abbott and Costello. Barnum & Bailey. Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid.

The reality....if they were women they would resemble Laverne & Shirley. Totally inept and goofy.

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight! Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!"

In thinking about it, they actually physically resemble Lenny and Squiggy.

"On Your Mark, Get Set and Go Now"

Back to my story.

This pair has many things in common. Both are womanizers. Both are professional ass kissers. Both are all talk, no action. They are a joke in the company.

One has risen through the ranks much quicker than the other but the top guy can always be counted on to carry the lower up with him. WHY? Why would top guy destroy his reputation to carry the little guy? Especially one not worthy of such an effort.

Why do I watch Nick at Nite?

Pickles

2006-05-06T21:54:00.000-07:00

There is a guy at my company who a few of us refer to as "Pickles." He is the stereotypical lazy, ineffective employee. Pickles was given a job many years ago because he had connections to a manager. Nepotism.

He is overpaid and completely incapable of doing the job he is paid to do. Sadly, most of the company knows of him and his lack of abilities.

I was on a committee with him for a couple of years so I got to see his general ineffectiveness up close. Among of his most annoying habits is his love for Dale Carnegie. He was always quoting Dale Carnegie.

Need I say more?

If you are not familiar with Dale Carnegie, his most famous book was "How to Win Friends and Influence People." Years ago, it was common for companies to send their employees to the Dale Carnegie Course.

No matter what we were discussing during the course of the committee, Pickles found a way to throw in Dale Carnegie. "Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are."

Yeah, we get it, old Dale turns you on.

Pickles other annoying habit was continually changing his job title. The project we were working on was quite complex, so there were times we had people from outside the company attend our meetings. It never failed, Pickles changed his title and what his role was at the company. It became a running joke. What will Pickles be today?

What has become of Pickles? Nothing. He is still there, still ineffective, still overpaid. I think he realizes how incapable he is but does not realize everyone else knows, too.

Seashells

2006-04-30T23:42:00.000-07:00

My company has biannual meetings to celebrate our "successes" in the first and last part of years. Most of you are probably thinking these are great opportunities to network and relax a bit huh? Actually, these meetings are the closest thing to torture that exist.

These meetings are not optional. My calendar MUST be clear for them. Additionally, vacation is strongly discouraged for these days. Sick? Unless I am dying, I better be there. Death in the family? Produce a corpse. Get the picture?

The meetings are held in a local hotel in a banquet room. I enter the room and hope it is open seating. Odd isn't it? Like a wedding, there are times these meetings have had assigned seating. A vain attempt to integrate employees in our department when it is widely known that many employees loathe each other. Ten years of hatred is going to be fixed by a teambuilding exercise? When hell freezes over.

We start with a catered lunch but no liquor of any kind. While I secretly wish for booze, it would remove the last shred of restraint I have so it is probably a good thing.

There is typically a theme to these meetings so it is wise to notice the theme and compliment whoever was responsible for it. This goes something like this: "Great surfboards, I love the beach theme."

What I am really thinking is, "Where is the sand for this beach because I would like to bury my head in it until this torture is over."

I find my seat and proceed to twirl the drink umbrella stuck in the cup of jelly beans sitting on the sun-shaped placemat at my seat. The middle of the table has shells for all of the people at my table. This can only mean the shells mean something. Yes indeed, these meetings resemble craft hour at a nursing home. Picture seventy-five professionals stuck in a room waiting for the HR Manager to tell us how these shells represent us and the work we do.

It doesn't take long.

He takes his place at the podium and asks, "By now, I am sure all of you have noticed the shells."

Most of my coworkers force a smile and chuckle in a way that implies enthusiasm.

"Pick a shell that represents you and wait. Those shells will play an integral part in our meeting today."

I was afraid this would happen. A shell that represents me? Is he suggesting a shell that represents the shape of my body? Mood? How can a shell represent me?

Is there a shell large enough for me to crawl inside? Of course not. I decide there is no point in trying to understand his logic and pick the shell with a sharp point on it. My choice is twofold. It represents my mood and could be used to gouge my eyes out if the meeting becomes unbearable.

He talks about goals, successes, and how the CEO is happy with our progress. We make things happen, this company would flounder without HR activities, etc.

Get to the damned shells.

As he continues to talk, all I can do is stare at my shell and try to imagine what is coming.

I got a masters degree for this?

The meeting did take me back to my childhood. No, I didn't frequent beaches looking for seashells. I was thinking about that episode of the Brady Bunch when Cindy has the lisp. "Seashells, seashells, by the seashore."

He gets through the usual banter and finally mentions the shells again.

"We are going to go around the room and have each of you tell us why you picked your shell. We will learn about each other and have a lot of fun in the process. "

Are you out of your freaking mind? How is this happening? Is this a case of bad karma? What did I do to deserve this?

I catch the eye of a couple of my coworkers who have the same look of horror on their faces that I do. At the same time, there is also an unspoken understanding that we have to do this.

So we sit and wait. Coming up with an explanation for our shell choice is not difficult. As I have said before, HR professionals are in their element when a little bs is needed.

Now, if this situation wasn't bad enough, it gets worse. Some of my coworkers actually believe this is great fun. What do they do? Take this seriously and ramble on for a few minutes about their great epiphany with their shell.

We have 75 people to get through. Can I blow into my shell to amuse myself?

These meetings are scheduled for two hours but in reality they end when we are done. If we are busy doing these humiliating teambuilding exercises, we don't stop. This means watching the clock is pointless.

Batter up! It's my turn. I stand up, cradling my dagger-like shell. I am tempted to say, "My name is Ms. Pink Slip and I'm an addict" but I put on my happy face.

I picked my shell because it's durable. Like this shell, I am protective. Like this shell, there is a lot on the inside you cannot see.

I'm sound like such an idiot but I like to keep them guessing. Besides, I wasn't going to drone on about beautiful colors and ridges signifying the stages of my life like others did. Shells can be full of sand. Like so many of them are full of shit. Sand is gritty and annoying, like so many of them.

It may not seem that bad to ensure this crap twice a year but it's not that simple. You see, whatever trinket, like the shell, I get at a meeting must be strategically placed in my office. To not display these items would be comparable to not standing during the National Anthem. Every time one of these meeting items catches my eye, I am forced to relive the moment. Some of my coworkers get a good laugh from this (including those who read my blog).

I will finally admit it. I laugh, too.

Inside Joke

2006-04-28T22:04:00.000-07:00

Know-It-All

2006-04-28T20:44:00.000-07:00

"The trouble with being in a rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."

My company is not unique in having numerous know-it-alls. These are the people who deserve a swift kick to the ass on a daily basis. I have been stuck with one from another department who has annoyed me to no end. She is loud, obnoxious, abrasive, and generally unpleasant. Topping off her nasty personality is her belief that she knows HR's job better than the HR professionals responsible for HR activities.

Some may call her a know-it-all, I settled for horrific bitch and called it a day.

Mutual Admiration Society

2006-04-26T22:07:00.000-07:00

There's an odd type of behavior by some employees at my company that intrigues me. I call it the "Mutual Admiration Society." Basically, this is two or more employees who continually kiss each others' ass. This is not to be confused with typical ass kissing many employees do to the boss. It is also not the behavior of employees who are flirting. No, this is the most twisted display of mutual ego stroking I have ever seen. It is rampant so somehow I think I slept through the section on this in training.

Here is how it goes:

Moron A: How did that problem turn out?

Moron B: Thank you for asking. If it wasn't for you, I couldn't have handled it.

Moron A: Sure you could. I am glad I was here for you.

Moron B: You're always here for me.

Moron A: If only everyone knew the struggles we endure.

Moron B: At least we have each other.

See the pattern here? Not only is the passive-aggressive banter totally fake, it actually turns into a "us against the world" mentality. This happens on a daily basis with several groups of employees. In fact, my office is full of these people. People who don't know how to have relationships with coworkers any other way.

I have actually heard coworkers in my office say, "I love you" to each other. This is a professional HR environment? While I don't care if anyone has a close relationship, there is a line at work. Additionally, all of this bantering is bullshit. I cannot think of one person who is a part of a mutual admiration society who wouldn't stab the other in the back if it suited them.

This is what happens when you work in a predominately female field.

?

2006-04-25T19:15:00.000-07:00

I really need someone to tell me why people who bitch and complain get what they want. There are two different groups of people who do this. The first group bitches and complains privately to friends or through a blog, but still does their job (hint, hint). The other spends the majority of their time trying to wrap as many people as possible into their imaginary victimization. See what I mean?

It never fails, those who whine get their way. This happens with employees at various levels in the company. This leads me to believe it has nothing to do with "I'll scratch your back.." Nope, I have reached the conclusion that it is simply easier to pay these drama queens off versus telling them to shut the hell up.

If it was all about getting my way, I could accomplish the same outcome with the right plan. The problem for me is twofold. First, I am not willing to whine to get my way. I am one of those idiots who actually believes hard work pays off. I have learned that the "Payoff" is really more work and higher expectations.

Anywho, the other reason I can't do this is because, even though management caves and gives in to these bitches from hell, those bitching are left with no credibility. I am not willing to give that up to get my way. Of course I could write a book and title it, "How I Bitched My Way to Success." I have many case studies right in my office.

What I really should be doing is blaming my parents for stressing morality and values. What the hell were they thinking? They should have taught me, "Kill or Be Killed."

Update

2006-04-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

The bitchy, foot stomping coworker I mentioned yesterday still doesn't get it. Apparently she doesn't understand the concept of following the direction of her supervisor. When a supervisor recommends an employee participate in a task, would any reasonable person take that to be a choice? Well folks, apparently this idiot didn't take the hint. She is still trying to pawn it off on me. For clarification, I am NOT her supervisor. If that was the situation, I wouldn't be hinting.

While I can relate to the concept of just wanting a paycheck versus a job, I am not going to do tasks a coworker doesn't like. Bite the bullet (or take one for the team) or get the hell out.

The icing on the cake? She is the least experienced of our team. It pisses me off that she sits back and tries to stay out of potentially challenging situations. Most employees in this situation work twice as hard to prove themselves. Apparently mediocrity is acceptable to some people.

Since our team is paid to be perceptive and carry around a bullshit detector, doesn't she realize we are aware she is trying to play us? I love encountering extremely manipulative people and watching them try to work me. While I don't typically make egotistical statements, I haven't met my match yet. Besides,I use my bullshit skills for good, not evil.

Anyway, like a slow moving car on the highway, she will get pushed out of the way.....soon!

Odd Day

2006-04-20T17:24:00.000-07:00

I had a very odd day. Here's a summary :

Went to work only to have a coworker stomp her foot at me. My first thought was to laugh and of course I did. When did work become a preschool? If those are the new rules, I wish someone had told me. Like a three-year old, I would have responded with a good smack, pulled her hair out, and maybe pinched her to really make my point.
When did it become acceptable to bitch and moan about the parts of your job you don't like doing AND pretty much refuse to do them? Anyone who reads my blog would understand merely bitching and moaning might lead to a bonding experience with me but the idiot in question made a crucial mistake. She tried to pawn off the work she didn't want to do on me. Carrying on like that only gets you one thing from me .....determination to make you suffer. I'll leave the details out but I accomplished my mission. Moral of this story is not to fuck with people smarter than you.
Driving home, I witnessed a pathetic sight. On the side of the road, I see a young teenage girl sitting on her bike on the sidewalk. Standing next to her is a cop with his motorcycle parked nearby who is obviously giving her a stern talking to. Sure, she was probably doing something stupid but I found it amusing that a car passed me probably going 65 mph in a 45 zone while all this was going on. On a side note, why is that I cannot help humming the theme to CHIPS when I see a cop on a motorcycle? I have also been known to sing the Love Boat theme while on cruises but I digress.
The final straw was some idiot at a four-way stop who blew right through the sign. While I was tempted to drive up behind him and ram his ass, I didn't. Of course the police are entirely too busy lecturing helpless teens to be bothered with this.

Cruel & Unusual Punishment

2006-04-19T10:55:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to endure this at work? Many times, while I sit in meetings, I think about prisoners sitting in their cells with no responsibility. They have a TV and a cushy cot while I am sitting in a hard chair listening to some idiot rant and rave about meaningless things. During such times, I generally focus on a spot on the wall or someone's face and find my happy place. It's all I can do not to scream at the top of my lungs or lay my weary head down on the table and take a nap.

To keep this charade going, it is important to follow these steps:

Choose a seat out of the limelight, preferably away from the person leading the meeting.
Appear genuinely interested in the meeting. You can accomplish this by nodding once in a while. Bonus points for actually making a comment or asking a question.
Appear to take notes. If you really want to look good, nod your head and smile while taking those notes. No one has to know you are creating a shopping or hit list.
Perfect the art of watching the time. Again, your seat choice can be crucial here. I tend to pick a seat with a view of a clock. Looking at your watch can be difficult to go unnoticed.
Try to avoid sitting across from friends. Many times I have been caught rolling my eyes or giving a look to a friend that says, "Can you believe that idiot?"
Be careful when making suggestions. Good suggestions have a nasty way of becoming projects......for you!
If you can't take it anymore, try to work a comment like this in....."That's a great idea, since time is getting short (actually my patience), maybe we can discuss that at the next meeting."
If your attempt to end a meeting fails, don't be ashamed to leave the room for a few minutes. Sure, people might think you have bladder issues, but at this point, do you care? If someone verbalizes such a thought, feel free to sue the company for discrimination based on a health condition.

Still Kicking

2006-04-18T16:18:00.000-07:00

While I am aging, apparently it's too soon to put my foot in the grave. I didn't get a lot of answers but I also didn't get a bad speech regarding my health either. We'll see. Mysterious, huh? I am a complicated little woman.

On the upside....hmm, I know I can find one....guess not. Here is a general recap of my day:

Went to work
Got pissed off
Too many people wanted something NOW
I didn't care
I watched my coworkers suffer the same cycle
So it's not me
Its the job
I left with relief and a renewed sense that tomorrow will be a better day

Do I need to be medicated or should I jump straight to the shock therapy?

I see TomKat's baby girl was born. I feel better already.

Top Ten Employee Rules

2006-04-17T15:07:00.000-07:00

Since it is ridiculously depressing, I can't have my last entry be at the top of the page so here is another list:

Top Ten Employee Rules

1) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
2) If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
3) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
4) For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5) Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
6) Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
7) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
8) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
9) Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
10) If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

Random Thoughts

2006-04-17T14:44:00.000-07:00

I can't pick one topic to write about so here are my random thoughts.

Easter was boring. I think Easter should not fall on Sundays since they are really pre-Mondays.
Despite my previous complaining about the "Next Blog" button being useless, I recently found a couple worth reading that way.
I need a nap, a million dollars, and a vacation ..... in that order.
I am preoccupied with a health problem. I will find out tomorrow if I am falling apart due to age or if death becomes me.
Elton John's "Crocodile Rock," while annoying, seems to jolt me out of bad moods.

It's probably obvious by now, but I am in a funk. No motivation whatsoever. How does this happen?

This isn't really motivating anyone to keep reading is it?

Cow Tipping

2006-04-12T00:03:00.000-07:00

Surely anyone with a job today has heard of sacred cows. These are the untouchable people, things, or processes that should have been dealt with a long time ago. If the cow is a person, typically the constant milking turns them into spoiled brats who demand the very best.

Here is the contradiction. Everyone talks about sacred cows and how we shouldn't have them. They are discussed with scorn and resentment. At the same time, the end result is never the slaughter of the damn cow. Oh no, the cow continues to be exalted. It's a classic love/hate relationship.

Of course I do have personal experience with this. What continues to amaze me (actually piss me off) is how sacred cows tend to be the least worthy of being exalted. These people (and things) are truly the waste of most organizations.

So, if you see a sacred cow, do me a favor and tip it over. The milk went bad a long time ago.

Immigrant Rights Rallies

2006-04-11T23:25:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to bother blogging about the events yesterday, but I rarely hold anything back so here goes. Before anyone sends me any hatemail, this is America so I can say whatever I want. Additionally, not supporting this cause does not equate to me being racist. Those are two separate issues so spare the comments or nasty e-mails.

In a nutshell....it's all bullshit. If you are in this country illegally, you have NO RIGHTS. End of story.

Those in this country illegally should count themselves lucky that, for the most part, the police leave them alone and their lives must be improved for them to remain here. What's the problem?

I could take it a step further and say the rallies would have been a great opportunity for an INS sweep but that would be obnoxious wouldn't it?

Next Blog

2006-04-10T21:25:00.000-07:00

Probably everyone has hit the button in the top right corner, right? Is is just me or is that a futile effort? What I usually find is blogs selling things, blogs in languages I cannot read, or very strange topics that make me shudder at the idea that such people exist. Still, I hit the button from time to time, hoping to find a great blog.

Has anyone actually found one they continued to read? I sure as hell hope so.

Workers Creed

2006-04-10T05:37:00.000-07:00

Here is another list a reader sent me. Can you tell it's Monday?

Workers Creed

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my inner sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
My intuition makes up for my lack of good judgment.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 29th birthday.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Competition

2006-04-09T19:31:00.000-07:00

Is competition unavoidable? I do not consider myself to be competitive at all and this seems to put me in the minority. I was discussing this with a friend and she was of the opinion that everyone is competitive. According to her, you cannot survive in this country without being competitive on some level. While I was tempted to laugh, she got me thinking.

As I said, I am not competitive with others yet I do have high expectations of myself. Shocked aren't you? This friend believes I am competitive. Huh? My idea of competition is a winner and a loser, settling for nothing less than top dog, or reveling in crushing someone else. Am I wrong?

I was the kid who was happy to participate. Winning didn't matter to me. As an adult, I am not one of those people who gets obsessed with winning a board game at a party. In fact, those who are happy playing the rule-enforcer and who MUST win piss me off. For the love of God, it's a game.

I have achievements because I worked hard, not because I beat someone else. There are times that I would like to beat others but not in a competitive sense. It would be more along the lines of smacking a few people in the head who annoy me. Most of those who come to mind are coworkers.

Goading a Goat

2006-04-05T19:20:00.000-07:00

Accountability, or the lack of, has been on my mind lately. What is so difficult about taking responsibility for mistakes? Why do people find it necessary to look for the nearest scapegoat when faced with such a situation?

At my company, this type of behavior is spreading like herpes on a prostitute. While I have not been immune to attempts at tagging me the scapegoat, I have a tendency to come out fighting when these situations occur. Those who have tried this tactic on me have learned that goading me doesn't go over well.

I have an exceptional memory and do not forget those who have attempted to screw me over. In fact, this is an area I excel in when it comes to patience. I have patiently waited for opportunities for revenge on several occasions. As a bonus, it doesn't appear to anyone (except the idiot receiving my revenge) that I am being malicious. It's not too difficult to wait for a good opportunity when these type of people continually pull this kind of shit. I just sit back and laugh. Of course I share these situations with select people who also revel in sweet revenge. While that may sound a little psychotic, these are people who deserved my sweet revenge. Like a goat, I have used my horns to defend myself.

What bothers me is the people who don't fight due to their level in the company or because they don't have an aggressive bone in their body. While I am not the mother or bodyguard of these scapegoats, it pisses me off when it keeps happening. Sure, these people should defend themselves but where is the accountability for this behavior when management knows they are taking a fall they do not deserve?

Screw it. I played the lottery tonight. If I won, I will adopt a few goats from the zoo and train them to attack.

Clarence and Felix

2006-04-04T09:54:00.000-07:00

This story says it all about the difference between a manager and an employee. If you get through this and say, "I don't get it, " you are probably a manager. Before you jump out a window (or get pushed), just remember you can change your spots. That's a leopard but you get the point.

The world of work, from a frog's perspective...

Once upon a time, there lived a man named Clarence who had a pet frog named Felix. Clarence lived a modestly comfortable existence on what he earned working at Walmart; but he always dreamed of being rich.

"Felix!" he exclaimed one day, "We're going to be rich! I'm going to teach you how to fly!" Felix, of course, was terrified at the prospect. "I can't fly, you idiot! I'm a frog, not a canary!" Clarence, disappointed at the initial reaction, told Felix, "That negative attitude of yours could be a real problem. I'm sending you to class."

So Felix went to a three day class and learned about problem solving, time management and effective communication.... but nothing about flying.

On the first day of "flying lessons", Clarence could barely control his excitement (and Felix could barely control his bladder). Clarence explained that their apartment had 15 floors and each day Felix would jump out of a window starting with the first floor eventually getting to the top floor. After each jump, Felix would analyze how well he flew, isolate on the most effective flying techniques and implement the improved process for the next flight. By the time they reached the top floor, Felix would surely be able to fly.

Felix pleaded for his life, but it fell on deaf ears. "He just doesn't understand how important this is..." thought Clarence, "but I won't let naysayers get in my way." So, with that, Clarence opened the window and threw Felix out (who landed with a thud).

Next day (poised for his second flying lesson) Felix again begged not to be thrown out of the window. With that, Clarence opened his pocket guide to "Managing More Effectively" and showed Felix the part about how one must always expect resistance when implementing new programs. And with that, he threw Felix out the window. (THUD!)

On the third day (at the third floor) Felix tried a different ploy. Stalling, he asked for a delay in the "project" until better weather would make flying conditions more favorable. But Clarence was ready for him. He produced a timeline pointed to the third milestone and asked, "You don't want to slip the schedule do you?" From his training, Felix knew that not jumping today would mean that he would have to jump TWICE tomorrow. So he just said, "OK. Let's go." And out the window he went.

Now understand that Felix really was trying his best. On the fifth day he flapped his feet madly in a vain attempt to fly. On the sixth day he tied a small red cape around his neck and tried to think "Superman" thoughts. Try as he might, though, Felix couldn't fly.

By the seventh day, Felix (accepting his fate) no longer begged for mercy. He simply looked at Clarence and said, "You know you're killing me, don't you?" Clarence pointed out that Felix's performance so far had been less than exemplary, failing to meet any of the milestone goals he had set for him. With that, Felix said quietly, "Shut up and open the window". He leaped out, taking careful aim on the large jagged rock by the corner of the building. And Felix went to that great lily pad in the sky.

Clarence was extremely upset, as his project had failed to meet a single goal that he set out to accomplish. Felix had not only failed to fly, he didn't even learn how to steer his flight as he fell like a sack of cement. Nor did he improve his productivity when Clarence had told him to "Fall smarter, not harder."

The only thing left for Clarence to do was to analyze the process and try to determine where it had gone wrong. After much thought, Clarence smiled and said, "Next time...... I'm getting a smarter frog!"

Changes

2006-04-01T22:52:00.000-08:00

Taking many of my entries into consideration, it may come as a complete shock that I am not looking to get fired.

With that in mind, I decided to change the title of my blog. My preference would have been to also change the URL, but I don't want to lose any of my readers so I will keep that. I don't think there is anything overly specific in my blog, however it's also smart to think ahead, right?

Lie to me

2006-04-01T16:18:00.000-08:00

I have many pet peeves and I am not afraid to bitch about them. The latest is people who seemingly ask for advice and then ignore it or get angry. If the preference is that I simply smile and lie to your face, let me know these expectations for the start. Why anyone would expect me to lie to them is beyond me. I am not known for having a poker face so I don't even need to speak to make my feelings known.

Anyway, back to my rant. There needs to be a new word created to describe the act of asking for a lie covered in ego stroking yet presented as the truth. Oh yes, the word already exists...bullshit? How insecure can people be to actually expect someone to lie to them when they asked for an opinion?

The insult to this injury is how many people react to my honesty. While I typically demonstrate an appropriate level of tact, I do give my honest opinion. Often times, this is met with dirty looks, looks between people, uncomfortable silences, and dramatic gasps of "How could you say that?"

While many people may respond to such situations with an apology, I don't. In fact, it is not unusual for me to call others on their lack of honesty. I say what others think. Now, before anyone gets the idea that I am one of those overbearing people to avoid like a plague, keep in mind.......people are still asking my opinion so I must be doing something right.

Sexual Harassment

2006-03-29T21:57:00.000-08:00

Everyone who has a job has either conducted or attended sexual harassment training but like you, I get tired of the usual type of training.

Check out this video for an interesting perspective on the subject.

Here's another video. Equally as funny as the first yet is more instructional in nature.

Never forgetting about my South Park fans, here is one for you.

I didn't win the lottery......AGAIN so maybe this is the answer to my eternal search for an early retirement. Is it wrong to hope I might be accosted by a coworker like the people in the videos? If you saw most of my coworkers, you would tell me it isn't worth it.

On a side note, I tried to snag the videos and put them directly into my blog, but I kept getting errors that my html tags were not closed. I don't know what the hell was wrong but if anyone knows, please enlighten me.

Classic or Old?

2006-03-28T20:48:00.000-08:00

I have the feeling I am considered old. Gone are the days when I knew who the band was when a new song came on the radio. I'd even go so far as to say most of it is junk. Not like the music I like.

When I have to explain to someone that "Classic Rock" isn't 90s music, I feel old. Doesn't anyone listen to the Beatles, Van Morrison, the Eagles, Queen, Pink Floyd, or early Yes anymore? Yes, I believe they are called old people. I admit it, I like to listen to ELO, Rush, and Led Zeppelin. Does that mean I am a fossil? Apparently so.

The other day, I was talking about Jimmy Buffett. A friend asked me if he was the stock investment guru.

Me: Warren Buffett? Wrong Buffett. Come on, you know the song Margaritaville?

Miss Youngpants: I think my mom likes him.

At this point, I was tempted to do one of two things. Start singing a little Margaritaville or call her a bitch. I did both......in my head.

Hell Pays Off

2006-03-25T00:15:00.000-08:00

A search for books on dealing with coworkers from hell yielded some interesting results. Here's a list:

Coping with Difficult People: The Proven-Effective Battle Plan That Has Helped Millions Deal with the Troublemakers in Their Lives at Home and at Work
Dealing with People You Can't Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst
A Survival Guide for Working With Humans: Dealing With Whiners, Back-Stabbers, Know-It-Alls, and Other Difficult People
Jerks at Work: How to Deal With People Problems and Problem People
201 Ways to Deal With Difficult People (Quick-Tip Survival Guides)
Since Strangling Isn't An Option
Working With You is Killing Me : Freeing Yourself from Emotional Traps at Work
Tripping the Prom Queen : The Truth About Women and Rivalry
I Can't Believe She Did That! : Why Women Betray Other Women at Work
The Girl's Guide to Being a Boss (Without Being a Bitch) : Valuable Lessons, Smart Suggestions, and True Stories for Succeeding as the Chick-in-Charge

Apparently there is a market for these types of books. Since the lottery hasn't paid off, maybe I will start working on a book. I will have to split the profits from this book three ways. Two of my blog readers (the South Park fans) are also coworkers who share my bitter ways. For me to succeed (by selling books or winning the lottery) and leave them there would result in a Jimmy Hoffa ending for me. There are two of them and I have a feeling they could be very diabolical together.

Freedom

2006-03-24T21:44:00.000-08:00

I haven't said this very often, but today was a great day. I had the day off work so it was all about me. I got eleven hours of sleep so that alone impacted my mood. As I was driving to Target this afternoon, I was listening to Michael Buble on the radio singing "Feeling Good."

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And
I'm feeling good

As you can see, normal amounts of sleep result in me feeling overly optimistic and somewhat delusional.

So there I was...slowly pushing a cart through Target without a care in the world. Sadly, it made my day.

Aside from a great shopping experience, it was nice to NOT hear the following from anyone I encountered today:

Do you have a minute? This always means a minimum of twenty minutes of my time is going to be wasted. This cycle will be repeated several times per day.

I have a question. How shocking. One question? Could this be my lucky day? You actually have fifty questions and lack the ability to answer any of them alone.

I have a problem. You sure do, but I have a feeling you aren't referring to your personal issues.

Do you think...? I do but apparently you don't.

I like things to be black and white. While this place resembles a zoo and many of my coworkers act like animals, I don't see any zebras. How did I get the job of pulling off Mission Impossible...teaching someone to use judgment?

And, my personal favorite:

Why? Because I said so. To quote Cartman, "Respect my authority!" It's not that I have any authority, but stupid questions piss me off.

With that in mind, none of that exists right now. Well, until Monday......

Huh?

2006-03-21T17:52:00.000-08:00

I got an early start at work this morning. I listened to several employees attempt to justify their inappropriate behavior and general incompetence all morning. Just when I was contemplating a jump from a high building, I was told that I am indeed the wind beneath someone's wings.

One of my coworkers told me another coworker considers me to be her mentor. How did that happen? This also leads me to ask...exactly what example am I setting? Is this what celebrities complain about when they are considered a role model? If so, where is the big paycheck for my trouble?

According to the dictionary, a mentor is "A wise and trusted counselor or teacher." Now I feel the need to sit up straight and present a polished image at all times. Not likely.

Howdy-ho!

2006-03-20T17:43:00.000-08:00

This post is for a couple of friends from "real life" who are stopping by for the first time. What they have in common is a love for South Park, therefore a picture seemed appropriate. It seems nerve racking to have people who really know me reading this but somehow it got worked into a conversation. I might need to have tape placed over my mouth in the future.

Monday Humor

2006-03-20T04:14:00.000-08:00

A reader of my blog sent this to me. I have seen it before, but it is worth repeating.

Things you wish you could say at work:

1. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. I'm sorry, you must be mistaking me for someone who cares.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.

25. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

26. Do I look like a people person?

27. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

28. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

29. You!...Off my planet!

30. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

31. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

32. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

33. Allow me to introduce my selves.

34. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

35. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

36. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

37. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

38. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

39. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

40. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

41. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

42. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

43. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

44. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

45. I thought I wanted a career; turns out, I just wanted the paycheck.

Seriously

2006-03-16T22:07:00.000-08:00

In keeping with the match theme of my previous entry, this picture is a perfect example of my attitude lately.

The site I got this from appeals to my sarcastic personality. I wish I could actually hang these in my office.

I do have a couple of the "real" ones about teamwork and hard work. There have been so many days that I look at them and imagine sticking them in various orifices of those who piss me off.

If you have a few minutes, check out the videos. They are hilarious "how-to" videos about how to deal with employees.

So, what's the whole point of my ranting? Why does everything have to be so serious all the time? This is particularly difficult in HR. HR is supposed to be serious. Next to librarians, we project the most boring, anally retentive personalities known to man. In my vain attempt to disprove this myth, I am going to open my own consulting firm and plaster the walls with these demotivators. My letterhead and business cards will feature them, too.

Of course this will be after I win the lottery and set fire to my office.

Got a Match?

2006-03-15T17:32:00.000-08:00

For the past couple of weeks, I have been giving presentations regarding our leave policy. Today, I had a group of employees that resembled an angry mob. Is the concept that I am merely the messenger foreign to people? I felt like I had a "kick me" sign on my ass. Here is a general summary.

I arrive in their conference room, do the social niceties, and wait to begin. Moving through the agenda, it is now my turn. I review the changes, how it impacts them, etc. There is always one in a group but the asshole today is a perfect example of why I haven't exercised my right to obtain a concealed weapons permit.

"I don't think this is appropriate. They should just rename this place "Big Brother." Am I allowed to make any decisions for myself."

I took a deep breath and asked," What part of the policy do you have a problem with?"

The whole thing. What gives you the right?

Me? Are you referring to the person sitting here who has a million better things to do that argue with you? The person who knows your disciplinary record? Who has sat in a room and witnessed you begging your manager to keep your job after screwing up numerous times? That would be me. If I had the power to make these policies, your ass would have been gone a long time.

So, I replied, "To be accurate, this is not MY policy." This is a company policy and as an employee, you are required to comply with it. If you have an actual question I can address, by all means, please ask, otherwise we should probably move on.

So he calms down, says he knows it's not my "fault" and shuts up. While I realize there are lions that need to roar from time to time, they really need to find someone else to bitch to. While I always maintain professionalism, I won't be the sacrificial lamb for this kind of crap.

I forgot to play the lottery so I am stuck with this job until Saturday. I am planning to win the lottery and set my office on fire Monday morning.

Giving back

2006-03-14T19:31:00.000-08:00

I am not talking about giving back as in charity. What I am referring to is giving everything back I thought I wanted. Since I am a list kind of gal, here is tonight's list of what I wish to donate to the God of responsibility:

Bills

As a kid, I wanted mail. It seemed like such an honor to get mail. The reality: Most of it is junk and, unless you consider bills or solicitations for money to be an honor, is destined to be one more thing I have to do.

Job

As a kid, this was a huge sign of being an adult. The payoff for all those years in college. The reality: I am tired, uninspired, and generally sick of being perpetually behind. Yeah, take this job and shove it.

House

This is a twisted thought. Like most people, I dreamed of owning a house and making it a home. How can I be excited about the largest debt I will ever incur? It's not like someone gave me an extreme home makeover (with a maid) and handed me the title to paradise.

In retrospect, all the things about being a kid were great. I have decided I want to live at home with my parents. I want to sit on the floor and watch the Brady Bunch while eating freshly baked cookies my mom made.

Having to get up to turn the dial on the console TV and adjust the rabbit ears on the antenna would be a small price to pay for the simplicity of childhood.

Random Ramblings

2006-03-12T22:44:00.000-08:00

Here is a recap of the latest thoughts churning through my mind:

I read a few blogs from the start over the weekend.
While at a store on Friday night, the guy standing behind me in line said, "You had me at hello." My response, "You lost me at goodbye." Why do some men think it is cute to quote chick flicks? I happen to be one of those women who thinks most chick flicks are pathetic displays of ridiculously dependent women so clearly that is the wrong way to attempt to connect with me.
Why do people think it is acceptable to let their children wipe snot on their sleeves?
I wish St. Elsewhere was still on TV.
Patrick Dempsey needs a nosejob to have any chance of being attractive.
Why can't I get the links title on my blog to match the font of the other titles?
TIVO is the best thing ever made.
How many people actually read my blog?

Call me Sybil

2006-03-11T13:28:00.000-08:00

I am a walking contradiction. Wait, don't run off yet. Allow me to explain. While I have a sense of humor, I also have a serious side that doesn't know when to quit. I was surfing around today and found this list. Would anyone actually take this seriously? While reading it, I found myself responding to it. Yep, MPD is back isn't it? Instead of talking to a webpage that won't respond, I figured I would put them here.

12 Ways to Lighten Up

Whoever wrote this must live on a small island in the South Pacific and smoke some great stuff frequently.

Try these techniques until you find one that lightens you up.

1. Deliberately turn a molehill into a mountain. Make a big deal out of a little problem. "I would feel much better if these papers were stacked exactly like this! Not like that! Like this! Not this! This!"

The first paragraph of this article said these tips would result in a long life. Who would be around to enjoy it with if I follow tip #1? If I took this advice and applied it to work, security would be called within an hour and I would be sitting in a padded room by now. The reality of this is that I am usually the one telling others to calm down. Freaking out is not my problem. Thinking too much is what gets me into trouble.

2. Ask yourself, "Is getting serious about this situation really going to improve it?"

So, the answer that has been staring me in the face all this time is to talk to myself in a condescending voice?

3. Focusing on the positives. Repeat these questions until you feel lighter, "What is right about this picture?" "What else is right?" "What else?"

What if the answer Sybil gives me to these questions is "Not a fucking thing?"

4. Consider a complete, major change. Why not go back to school? Why not move to Idaho? Why not retire for a few years or start a new career?

Let me answer those one at a time:

A. School? At this point, my next option would be a doctorate and nobody needs another nut to call Dr.
B. Idaho? While I am sure Idaho has more than the potatoes I buy, I can't see myself remaining sane when surrounded my farm animals.
C. Retire? Unless this article includes a check for the few years I won't be working, that is a useless suggestion. A new career is also off the table. Why the hell would I want to start over when I have paid my dues in this one? Besides, I love my job (you knew that right?)

5. Ask yourself, "When I am on my deathbed, will I be glad I was so serious about _______?"

That's the oldest line in the book. When I am on my deathbed there better be drugs being injected to avoid me thinking about such ridiculous questions. Besides, at that point, my sixth husband, a young twentysomething stud, will be stroking my face while I wither away.

6. A challenging game is much better than no game at all. So consider losing all aspects of the problem. Examples: You feel serious about family problems. You ask yourself, "Well, what if I had no family at all?" You feel serious about your investments. You ask yourself, "What if I had no money to invest?"

That's right, during times that I actually NEED to think, I should be trying to lose all sense of focus. Brilliant!

7. The size of your problem may match the size of your game. So get a bigger game. For example, if you get uptight about paper clips being in the wrong drawer, your game size is tiny. Double your amount of responsibility. Set some huge goals. Succeed by thinking much, much bigger.

Not applicable. If I ever met someone who considered paper clips their biggest problem, I would be in jail. Yes indeed, my problems would become minor because I would then be facing a murder charge for ramming those paper clips down that person's throat.

8. Stop trying to solve the problem that is making you so serious. Certain types of problems solve themselves if you leave them alone. Your problem may be one of those.

In the workplace, I believe this falls into the "failure to to your job" category." If I actually took this advice, I would get fired. Picture this.......Monday morning comes and I sit at my desk arranging my paper clips. When my boss come by, I'll tell him, "I am just waiting for customers to solve their own problems." My paperclips and I would be out the door in about five minutes.

9. Compare what you are doing to other careers. Imagine being a septic tank drainer or an IRS agent.

Don't be hasty with the job titles. Some people would say I am a professional cleaner of shitty situations. Remember the vomit in my previous post?

10. Make everyone around you lighten up. You will soon feel more cheerful.

Alienating the few I people actually like is not part of my plan.

11. Look at bizarre solutions. What is the craziest way you could solve your problem? What solution, if it worked, would make you laugh out loud?

The craziest way I could solve my problem and laugh out loud is illegal. Enough said.

12. Act stupid for a minute. Let down your hair. Stop being so darn important for a while. Be a goof!

This one proves to me that this list should have been called "12 Easy Ways to get Fired."

After reading that list, my suspicions have been confirmed. I am sane and the rest of the world is crazy. I feel better already!

Stop the World, I Want to Get Off!

2006-03-08T03:11:00.000-08:00

After a particularly horrible day yesterday, I have decided this is my new motto. I came home and went to bed at 8:00. It has been years since I did that. All I wanted was to pull the covers over my head and stop thinking. Of course that couldn't last. My mind keeps going so now it is the middle of the night and I am awake. I read a few blogs and tried to get life off of my mind.

I am usually better at this. By "this" I mean putting things in perspective. In the grand scheme of life, why should I care about work or the little problems that my day brings that probably won't seem so big in a few days? Knowing that makes it all the more annoying. I am my biggest critic and right now I am giving myself a hard time. That really sounds like I have multiple personality disorder doesn't it?

Indulge me here, but when I get in this kind of funk, I tend to overthink. Today's epiphany is the difference between loyalty and obligation. For years, I have functioned under the pretense that I am a loyal employee. I keep the secrets, sacrifice, and plan my life around work. Is it really about loyalty? Are these decisions based on making "good career choices?" What I realized tonight is that loyalty feels good. It really is a choice. What I am experiencing is an obligation and it feels like crap.

The good news? I can't stand pessimism and self-doubt so this mood won't last long.

Stupid is as stupid does........

2006-03-06T17:08:00.000-08:00

I need to face it. I am surrounded by stupid people at work. Just when I think I've heard and seen it all, another idiot pops up. Here is today's issue...blogging. Do people realize they have to be very careful when blogging about work? Not at my company.

So a couple of idiots got together and decided to post several entries bashing the company. Too bad they forgot to avoid providing details that pointed to them. It's time for one of my tips:

TIP: Don't tell everyone and their brother how you feel about an issue, name names, tell them how you are never going to forget this "ordeal" then post in on a blog. It tends to point to you. Just for good measure, it's probably not wise to use a variation of your name either. Idiots A and B didn't follow any of this advice.

I used to think there were a lot people who were considerably more intelligent than me. This job has proven me wrong. Before you dash my fantasy, I realize I should consider the people I am around when making such an assumption but don't take this little joy away from me.

Bored

2006-03-05T11:40:00.000-08:00

Sundays are not what they used to be. Instead of feeling like the weekend, it feels like the preview to Monday. I don't like feeling that way, but I do. If I didn't have so much to do, I would take vacation time instead of facing the dreaded Monday morning. It's not that I don't like my job. I do. There is too much to be done and I am tired of feeling behind all the time.

Have you ever noticed the difference between men and women with taking time off? Women will take time off because they want to. They don't necessarily need a reason. Men need a reason. They are going somewhere, need to do something, etc. They just don't take time off to be away from work. Unfortunately, I am like a man in this sense.

Anyway, back to my boredom. I have plenty to do around the house and it is getting done but I am bored. Maybe I will take a nap....